Trying to be okay with it...

So...everything is changing. It really is. I know over and over on this silly little blog that no one reads I have talked about my friends and holding on to them and not giving up on friendships just because things change but it's getting harder and harder. I seriously feel like my life is in a tailspin and I have absolutely no control over what happens at all. Probably because I don't...but I don't know how to get out of it. I have pretty much ruined one friendship, possibly to the point of no return for all i know, with a person that has meant a great deal to me for several years all because I can't express myself well enough to say what I am really feeling so it comes out as a jumbled mess of nothing that ends in no more communication between us for who knows how long. And now I see myself doing it again, but with my best friend this time. Ya know, it was bound to happen, Ames was bound to find a good guy to date, and although it's just the beginnings I am still so afraid. I look ahead 1 year and if it is the same as it is now, but without amy then I will have no one, and that scares me so much. It scares me that it's gotten to this point, and it scares me that it matters so much to me. And it scares me that I can't open up to people anymore. It scares me that I don't let people in anymore. All I want is to be okay with the way things are changing. And I want to be strong enough that I can face this world on my own for as long as I need to. And yet at the same time I am so afraid that my Saturday nights have become grocery shopping night..and that I can have 50 people show up at a birthday party for me but then have no one I feel I can talk to or call to hang out with the next day. For a person who has always had a group of friends around this is a new and difficult phase. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned, and I sure hope I learn it. Maybe this is a time when I need to be alone so I can figure things out, or maybe I have slowly pushed everyone that is important to me out of my life. For the first time in my life I am realizing that I am afraid to be alone, probably because, for the first time in my life, I am feeling what it's like to be alone.