Do blogs really need titles?

Wow, so it has been a long time since my last blog. I've been inspired by others lately to blog more often and after reading my old blogs I don't think it's such a bad thing to be inspired to do. I don't think I fully remembered how I was feeling 5 months ago so reading about it made me realize how much things have changed. This summer has been full of growing experiences and I see such a change in my life. I'm starting to become okay with change, and although I am the queen of fighting change maybe this is a start. I got a blessing over a year ago that mentioned that I was going to have a big change coming in my life and that the things that were going on in my life were preparing me for that change. Many times since then I have wondered, "hmm, maybe this is the big change." But never before have I felt so ready for something big and new. I realized more than ever this summer that I am loved and very blessed and that answers to prayers come in unexpected ways. I got to spend the majority of my summer with 3 people that I have been friends with for close to 10 years. The old friends are the ones you take for granted. I think I always figured that because I had known these three for so long their purpose in my life was done and we had just stayed friends because we love each other. But I realized that over and over again they have blessed my life. What they did for me was so simple but so incredible for me. I don't think H, N & T will ever know how much I needed this summer. For years I haven't been the Beth that I was always happy to be and in a way I have been searching hard for that Beth. And suddenly, I am given the chance to spend a few months with some great friends who know me, REALLY know me and in the end I figure out who "me" is. For the first time in years I felt comfortable with people. I didn't feel like I had to act a certain way or say certain things. I didn't feel like I had to be anyone but me and at first I felt almost like I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like there was this person hidden deep deep down inside of me that I knew was there but I couldn't get to. That person was too hidden by insecurities and fears but those things went away. My friends believed in me, one in particular. He has this way of just assuming the best in you. He doesn't look at someone and say, oh well this person has these weaknesses so we'll avoid this this and this so as not to make them uncomfortable. He doesn't do that. He has this innocence almost. He just figured, well of course Beth can do that, why not? He never once questioned me. At the beginning I was questioning myself enough for everyone because that is what I do. I have spent my life being careful. The only thing I have ever gone into with all of myself is relationships (family/friends) and even over the past three years that went away. I couldn't trust people enough to let them see who I am. So really careful was for me. It was easy and safe but I had to stop. I had to step out there and put my heart into things. I had to try things that I was afraid to do and to my surprise I wasn't so bad at it. All I needed was to believe in myself and lucky for me I had a perfect example of that. As the summer went on I really thought I would dread the end of summer when everything would surely end as T left to move to the "big city" and H & N got involved in new experiences but I didn't. At first I still felt empty inside and I did for awhile until I realized my 3 friends couldn't fill that emptiness. Only one person could fill that emptiness and I finally humbled myself enough to turn to Him and ask for help. Having that emptiness filled made the summer even better. I didn't dread the end of the summer when T would move and H & N would have new things happening that wouldn't include me (at least not as regularly as the summer did). Sure the end of the summer was hard. I was sad to see T leave. I was sad to think I wouldn't see H & N 3 or more times a week. I shed a few tears but they were more tears of gratitude then anything else. I felt at peace because I truly believe I learned a lesson this summer that I have needed to learn for a long time. Our summer o' fun has been over for 2 and a half months now and sure I miss my friends, who wouldn't? But I feel a joy I have never felt in my life. My friends helped me to heal and helped me to see the parts of my life that were lacking. I have a lot of growing to do. I have things coming in my life that I am so excited for and want to be really ready for and I have things I am confused about, and things I need to figure out and they are things I can't (and won't have to) figure out alone. So, you big things that are coming, bring it. I'm ready. I might stumble. I might fall. But I'll get back up and keep going because I can. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but if you do, first of all you're incredible. Second, I am going to work my hardest to not let the underlying message of all of my blogs be "Beth hates change and is trying to avoid it." I'm going to go more with the, this is my life, i'm learning, i'm living and i'm attempting to make a difference along the way, mindset. Oh and every once in awhile I might have a gratitude list goin. On the days that I need it at least.

I am grateful for:

-Beautiful music that touches my heart
-Friends that uplift and strengthen me
-The courage to open up my heart a little to people I haven't really let in yet
-Halloween costumes that make people weeze because they are laughing so hard
-My Baltimore hoodie

This is life..what am I waiting for?!

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks the future feels so hard and I wanna go back." -Sara Groves

Alright so I think I should just rename this blog "Beth is trying to be okay with change" call it good and stop writing blogs...but really what fun would that be for me?

So for quite awhile I have been trying to be okay with having a smaller group of friends and not having some kind of social activity to do every night or weekend, and I have questioned quite a bit why it had to be this way. I felt like after those things were gone I had nothing else. For all I know my years at Raintree with my amazing friends will quite possibly be the "best" of my "college" years but what is happening now isn't so bad either. I'm learning how to be okay with being alone. I am learning to rely on a more permanent source for strength. I am learning more about myself. If I still had my big group of friends that I hung out with everyday I would probably be too busy being one of the group to figure out what I need in my life and what I want out of life. So, here it is. Those times were great and I learned a ton and had some great experiences and some pretty crappy ones. It's easy to look back and only see the good but there was bad too, and I grew from it. I have realized that those were great times and they helped shape me to be who I am currently and what is happening now will shape me more. Just because that time is over doesn't mean its gone and it meant nothing. I have a lot of incredible people in my life that have touched my life in a way no one else could and even though we don't see each other everyday or even every month we are still there for each other. I think I have realized that a lifelong friend isn't exactly the kind of friend you see everyday, it's the kind that you care about and care about you enough to keep putting forth effort. (You would think having a friend like Joanie who I have never lived in the same place as and is still my best friend would have made me realize this sooner...) Today was amazing and being with a whole bunch of old friends was incredible. I got to spend the afternoon with my old UT pals and the late afternoon/evening with my old Baltimore friends. I felt today like we are all really moving forward...people are married or getting married, buying houses, graduating from college, getting real jobs thousands of miles away, possibly going on missions....etc etc etc. And I felt okay about it. Sure I feel a little sad when I think about Tom leaving at the end of the summer to move to NY or thinking of another friend possibly going on a mission. But at the same time I feel so proud of them. And I am glad they are finding these amazing things in their lives and moving forward. And I'm glad we have had such great experiences together and that we have time to have a few more and even after we are all separated again we've proved the strength of our friendship and it will last. So the point is, the past was amazing, the future is scary, but right now is happening. Life is happening whether I believe it or not...I need to stop waiting for something to happen to mark the beginning of life and just make the most of each day. This is life so I'm going to live it.

Trying to be okay with it...

So...everything is changing. It really is. I know over and over on this silly little blog that no one reads I have talked about my friends and holding on to them and not giving up on friendships just because things change but it's getting harder and harder. I seriously feel like my life is in a tailspin and I have absolutely no control over what happens at all. Probably because I don't...but I don't know how to get out of it. I have pretty much ruined one friendship, possibly to the point of no return for all i know, with a person that has meant a great deal to me for several years all because I can't express myself well enough to say what I am really feeling so it comes out as a jumbled mess of nothing that ends in no more communication between us for who knows how long. And now I see myself doing it again, but with my best friend this time. Ya know, it was bound to happen, Ames was bound to find a good guy to date, and although it's just the beginnings I am still so afraid. I look ahead 1 year and if it is the same as it is now, but without amy then I will have no one, and that scares me so much. It scares me that it's gotten to this point, and it scares me that it matters so much to me. And it scares me that I can't open up to people anymore. It scares me that I don't let people in anymore. All I want is to be okay with the way things are changing. And I want to be strong enough that I can face this world on my own for as long as I need to. And yet at the same time I am so afraid that my Saturday nights have become grocery shopping night..and that I can have 50 people show up at a birthday party for me but then have no one I feel I can talk to or call to hang out with the next day. For a person who has always had a group of friends around this is a new and difficult phase. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned, and I sure hope I learn it. Maybe this is a time when I need to be alone so I can figure things out, or maybe I have slowly pushed everyone that is important to me out of my life. For the first time in my life I am realizing that I am afraid to be alone, probably because, for the first time in my life, I am feeling what it's like to be alone.

Maryland....*sigh*

"Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher."

So, I got to spend time with some of my favorite people today several different groups of favorite people, but the one that i made me the happiest was being with my Maryland girls. There is just something about being with people that have known you forever and who know you SO well...they have known me in my awkward phases, in my happiest times, in my saddest times, at my brattiest (how do you spell that) moments and at my best (once or twice). At one point we were all each other had, we are best friends and we know everything about each other. We saw each other today because we went to Laura's bridal shower. Jen has already gotten married and Laura is getting married in May. We all have very seperate lives and have all changed tons since our awkward days of young womens where girls camp inside jokes ruled our lives. But when we get together it's the greatest feeling! I left today with the greatest feeling of complete joy. We have all moved on but when we get together nothing has changed. And we don't just live in the past. We update on each others lives now and we truly care about each other and love to be together. We can talk for hours, and we do. Sure, we spend some of that time reminiscing about the old times, we tell the same jokes everytime, so much that friends that aren't from Maryland now know those jokes too...Feed the Children, Hot...dog...spice ruff ruff, CHOCOLATE, you have CURVES...etc...etc etc....Maybe it's because we shared some of our most defining years, or maybe we are just lucky to have the closest group of young women spanning from the 19 year olds "the beehives", to the 21 year olds "the mean mia maids (who aren't mean anymore)", and on up to the 23-24 year old Laurels and it has caused us to have life long friends. In high school the only friends I did have were my church friends and I liked it that way. We knew we would be together on weekends, even if we were watching the same stupid movie to the point that I still can't watch it to this day, or playing the same old games or telling the same old stories. Our mom's always mocked us because we would run to each other and hug whenever we saw each other, even if it had only been since seminary that morning. But that is what made the moment so special when I went back home after my first, and hardest semester away from home and when I walked into the church Laura was there and when we saw each other we screamed and then we hugged and then we sobbed and all of the people that were around just stood back and smiled because it was a reunion everyone was happy to see. Point is...life changes, and people change, but moments don't change. The small moments that have changed who you are don't change. They are what make you...you... I know we'll always get back together and we'll always pick up right where we left off. And I know we will always know that we have each other...Those girls are a part of me and that's something that will never change. I am grateful to always be blessed with incredible friends that touch my life and help me to become better. Maybe this is all just a crazy jumble of nothing...but I bet if my Bmore girls were to read it they would just nod and say...yeah...i totally know what she means. Laura will always be the most sarcastic with a lot of love right there with it, Beth C will always be the funniest with a great big heart, Brooke will always be the one that got teased the most and wears the most pink and always willing to bring the girls together, Em D will always be the quiet yet hilarious one, Em K will always be the one that started out shy and suddenly came out of her shell to become the sweetest funniest girl you'll ever meet, Jen will always be the boy crazy, psycho crazy flirt that we all adore, Heather will always be the one with the dry sense of humor and the oldest, so the wisest, Andrea always the sweet one that you get to know and find out she's kind of a tease, Alex the seemingly quiet sweet one that is right up there on the sarcasm front with Laur, and me..well I think I have been told I have always been the protective one and the motherly one. So, my bmore girls, I love you and I will always cherish the experiences we have shared and I will always hold you closest to my heart because you are the ones that taught me what it was like to be a friend and what it was like to have a friend.

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis

I had no idea, but apparently I am a minority. I had a conversation with my roommate last night that left me utterly disheartened and completely shocked to be perfectly honest with you. I don't know that I completely believe it so if any of you in the world of blog read this and have thoughts do share because I need other outlooks on this one.

Here goes, we were talking about how she and this guy, who is one of my close friends, broke up and about the issues that lead to them making this decision to break up. (They couldn't talk to each other.) She asked me how I became such good friends with him and I just told her that I did the same thing I do with a lot of my friendships. I open myself up to them and then hold on for dear life. Now if you're my friend...and you're reading this...and you hate that I hold on for dear life...I'm not going to apologize because it's something that makes me who I am and as I found out last night who I am may just be kind of unique. Am I making any sense? Here, I'll explain:

My roommate hasn't had a lot of close friendships in her life that's not me judging her, that is her own words. She told me she didn't understand how I could make friends with people and then with some of them end up with really good strong relationships and then keep them. She also didn't understand how one gets into a deep discussion. I told her that you just have to open up. You have to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings about something and then just trust that the person you are sharing those feelings with won't use them against you. I also mentioned that even though there have been people that took those thoughts and feelings that I shared and then ended up hurting me or just plain ripping my heart to pieces as they casually walked away...I don't regret those friendships, sure I wonder if I should have done something differently, but I didn't...so I should be grateful for the experience and for the things I learned from them. Sure, I'm not as willing to open up my heart to friends (new and old) as I once was and that is because I have been hurt but maybe not opening up my heart and letting them in isn't such a bad thing. I told her that so many times people have just either flat out told me, Beth once people are out of my line of vision they just aren't my friends anymore, I don't feel like it's worth it to put forth the effort. Or they have been one of my very closest friends, and then they move away and suddenly they have to be told to call me for me to hear from them at all..and yet I still hold on. I still care about these people. And that is when my roommate told me that she has never known anyone like me. (And I don't think she meant it in a good way.) She told me that she thinks most people are the type to make a friend and drop them 10 minutes later when they aren't convenient anymore. So is it really that odd that I make friends and have these people that are so so close to my heart and I am not willing to let go? And for those of you that are thinking this it, no, I don't think I am living in the past. I think I am holding onto something/someone that is dear to me and that has touched my life and why should I have to say goodbye to them right away? In time we may grow apart but that's not going to stop me from caring in the beginning. Ya know, friends are one of the most important things to me. (not the most important...one of the most important.) And I am not willing to just give up that easily and just not care because it may not work the way I planned, or just stop calling them because they moved out of my apartment complex/ward/state. Why let go if you don't have to? So is it true? Am I a minority? Am I the only one who makes friends and then holds on to them for dear life?

And to my dear friends, sorry if you wish I would let go but you're gonna have to do something horrible and rip my heart to pieces before I will let go (and it still might take me 2 years to fully let go inside) I am grateful for the blessing of friends and I don't want to take that for granted because maybe, just maybe, I won't be so blessed in the future if I'm not grateful. I love my friends and although I may experience heartache as they grow away from me, I still have those small moments, the random phone call or text message that comes and gives me a hint that it is worth hanging on just a little longer. There you have it...my philosophy on friendship....not very philisophical.

*note* i apologize for the run on sentences and poor grammar it's late and I am rushing and don't care enough to go back and fix it...so...deal. :-)

"Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you." -T A Barron

I matter...

Little old Beth Lynn in her little house and her little life in Utah matters.

I know what you're thinking. Um, hi, you're just now realizing it?

Yes...yes I am. A simple somewhat silly conversation with a good friend that involved relationships turned into something that I desperately needed. No he didn't profess his love to me...(thank goodness, he's like my brother!) he taught me a special lesson though.

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking. I worry because people don't say the things to me that I want them to say or sometimes even need them to say because they're being oblivious (i'm not judging..i've done it) I learned a lesson tonight that I have had to learn over and over again in my life and probably will have to learn again as ridiculous as that is.

I matter to my Heavenly Father. He has a plan for me that maybe I don't necessarily see happening how I thought it would. When other people let me down because they don't put forth as much as I put into them, or because they don't have just the right words that I need to hear. My Father in Heaven is there and He does hear me and He knows better then I do what I need. I have to be living worthily of His blessings.

Two of the things I am grateful for today:

A friend who was in tune enough with the spirit to be the mouth that could speak the words I needed to hear because I wasn't listening closely enough to hear it on my own.

And that the great wall that has slowly built up around my heart broke down enough today so that I could feel the pierce of what was said and the truthfulness of it.

That's a big jumble of thoughts right there but if nothing else...they make sense to me.

Moment of insecurity...?

So maybe this is just the expected insecurities that we all feel at some point but I can't help but feel like throughout my life I have put so much of my heart into caring about my friends and I wonder if I am crazy? I always thought, for some reason that I meant as much to these people as they have meant to me but now I am beginning to wonder. I sometimes wonder if I imagined those close relationships. Maybe I am just different, which I suppose isn't a horrible thing, but I wonder if the way people see me is really far off from how I see me. I am beginning to think its true...Am I that confused about who I am? Am I crazy? Did those relationships end because I really thought they were so much more then they were? It's the only explanation I can think of because had they just ended and we all moved on it would be one thing, but they always ALWAYS move on first...they take a few steps away...and say they're going to keep coming around, and they do for awhile and then they disappear all together. Or maybe to everyone else it just isn't a big deal...maybe its normal for people to come and go and I should just cut those ties and give it up. Everyone else does. Why does that have to be so hard for me? Everyone at work always says "wow beth, you have so many friends!" Do I or do I live in the past like a pro? Perhaps my perspective is skewed, perhaps I am just feeling insecure...but what if all of these things I am so afraid of are true? What if I push people away. I want to be one person so badly...and I try to be but something happens...like someone tells me I am always "the victim" joking or not...I felt the truth in the comment...or being told that I'm not nice...several times in a matter of hours...again, joking or not the truth was there and it scares me...I am afraid of how little I know about myself...and of how closed I have become...this is the most open I have been in awhile...Do I keep it all inside because I really don't think I have anyone I feel I can express these things to and have them take me seriously or is it because something else...ever had one of those moments when you don't know what to trust...I'm there...
I sound crazy...