The year in review

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. The New Years post. Gotta love it. I wasn't planning to but I realized that last year I blogged 12 times (so pathetic right?) and then I noticed that I did the same this year SO I had to blog one more time, and plus, I just read my first post from this year and I think it's about time for some follow up. I think I did it. I think there is room for improvement, but I think I started to overcome some of my fears. I let myself really care for people this year and I let other people care about me. I learned this year that I deserve to be treated really well, I realized that it's possible that someone can love me someday. I overcame some of my fears about getting involved in my ward. I was able to recognize blessings in my life that I haven't realized in the past. My testimony of the gospel has grown with a huge foundation on the Atonement. I started to become more self-reliant in my emotions. I didn't feel like i needed to go running to a friend every time something upset me. It's definitely nice to have that as an option, with the wonderful friends that I have but it's not something I felt like I had to do in order to feel better. I feel stronger then ever and I hope that keeps growing because I want to continue feeling that way year after year. A little stronger each year. I went to Minnesota, so silly, but for me a trip like that was overcoming huge fears. It wasn't the easiest trip ever. I love the friends I was with but there were definitely some struggles in readjusting to each other. But I handled it better then I ever have with only a few tears to Chris on the phone. I feel like I succeeded in my hopes for this year and I hope to build on that this year. 2007 was a really great year. One of my favorites and one with some of my biggest milestones. I'm blessed and I like where I am in my life.

I already have big ideas for 2008, I hope to keep the goals I have set for myself but if I slip up, that's okay too. I'll get back to it if I keep trying and have faith that I don't have to make these changes alone. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And for Tom, the theme-2008 I Am Legend.

*I began writing this blog on October 12th, for some reason I stopped but saved it and just now decided it was time to finish it. Parts are a little out dated, but I decided not to change it.*

Sometimes I wonder why I do this blog thing. I read my posts later and think that a person would have to be crazy to want to read about my unimportant thoughts but I always find myself coming back because I feel things that I don't know how to express or don't feel comfortable expressing verbally. It's kind of ridiculous to be so open about my feelings in such a public forum, but although it's public, it feels safe. I don't have to face the people that I know are aware it exists, and if I do they don't tell me they have read it so it's like nothing ever happened. So, here I am back in the land of blog.

I have been feeling so so blessed lately. This past weekend was General Conference and it was everything I could have hoped for. It was by far the best conference experience I have ever had, which I know has everything to do with the fact that I prepared and went into it with an open heart and a desire to improve myself and to have my questions answered. Both of which happened. I was able to go to Salt Lake to watch two of the sessions with my friend Chris and it really made a difference for me. We watched the Saturday and Sunday morning sessions in the Legacy Theater on Temple Square and I loved it. I have never cried so much during conference or felt so truly touched. I also got to spend time with one of my favorite people which is always something I'm grateful for. I've been searching so much lately for anything, to feel fulfilled in someway and this weekend gave me that. I felt emotion more deeply then I have in a long time. And I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been trying to get to know people in my ward and make friends, etc but it's been hard for me. I have made some headway but it's not like I would like it to be. So, I felt really blessed to be with a friend that gets me and that knows me so well he can "read my mind." I also went to my sisters house for lunch and the second session of Conference on Sunday which ended up being something I really needed too. I don't always feel like my brother-in-law really likes me but lately something has changed and I feel like we get along better and he isn't just humoring me all the time. Maybe he realized he is stuck with me. haha! It was just nice to hang out with my sister at her house and to feel comfortable and like I was welcome and accepted. That night I went to ward prayer and ended up talking to people which was a miracle! I usually slip out quickly before anyone notices I was even there so I don't have the awkwardness of realizing I'm not gutsy enough to talk to people and people aren't going to just come up and talk to me. If you get the heck out that saves a lot of trouble. :)

To continue with my wonderful week I went to a show on Tuesday night that was originally made for a Sunday night show at the Nauvoo Temple and my Bishop set up a performance for us to see. My friend Alex was in it which was such a fun surprise for me to see her. I absolutely loved the show. It was broadway music, disney music and gospel songs. So amazing!! It's just about life and the things that happen and the people that touch your life. At the end I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I am so blessed. I cried again for the 5,000th time in 3 days. I love that Heavenly Father knows me. Through all of the loneliness and confusion that I have felt so often in my life, I always know that I don't have to do it alone. I'm really grateful for that. In an attempt to be more positive, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love knowing that I have a Savior who loves me and made it possible for me to live this life and to have choices about how I do and to have a way to repent when I make mistakes. I love knowing that this life isn't the end, that I can be with my family for eternity. There are so many reasons but in an attempt to be less wordy, I'll stop there.

2. My family. I have a different family. We have our issues but one thing I can never forget is that there is a lot of love. Whenever I get together with my extended family I can't help but smile because they're quirky, they argue but underneath it all our family is based on love and support. I've seen it and I'm grateful for it.

3. My current friends that are like my family. For most of my life I have had big groups of "good friends." I am at a point now where a lot of people are moving on and having families of their own but I have a group of people that I know will always be in my life. The amount of time I have known them spans from 14 years to 2 years. Some I have known since Young Women's, some I met at EFY some I met in my singles wards in Utah, some at work. They have all individually made a huge difference in me as a person by sharing their love and their examples. These people have been put in my life for a reason.

4. Old friends. There are a lot of people that were a huge part of my life at very important times, but for some reason we have lost track of each other or we just keep in very distant touch but I can't forget the difference they have made in my life. A lot of these people were a huge part of my life a few years ago when I was sick and they helped make my life bearable. Whether it was a home teacher that I hardly knew that came and danced in my room in the ICU or a friend that was dating my roommate and was the 3rd person to see me after I woke up in the hospital and was very scared. There were the ones that gave me blessings or the ones that got me to the hospital when I couldn't walk. We're in different places in our lives but my life was definitely changed because of them and they're very close to my heart still.

5. Music. It inspires me and I feel more deeply through music then anything else. I have no musical abilities whatsoever but I sure know how to appreciate music.

6. I am grateful that I know who I am. I know that I am of great worth because I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. That is something I repeated over and over in Young Womens but I don't think I fully grasped what that meant then. I definitely don't think I do now either, but my understanding of that phrase to be "a daughter of God" means so much more now. I am also grateful for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk from October and this quote: "The scriptures tell us that 'if any man love God, the same is known of him.' What a wonderful promise-to be known of Him. It makes the spirit soar to think that the Creator of heaven and earth could know us and love us with a pure, eternal love."

I'm grateful for a lot more, but for now this is where I will stop.

Trash kicked...

Yeah, life is kicking my trash lately. I've felt especially confused about me and about my life. I've been missing some of my friends more often then usual. My emotions are in a million different places. I got a flat tire yesterday and I definitely cried for at least half an hour before I had the guts to call and ask someone for help. I hate when things happen to my car because that is when I feel the most incapable. I have no idea how to do anything with my car and I hate HATE hate asking for car help because I feel like I have had to so often and people have got to be annoyed by now. I know I am. So as I sat in the Big O parking lot staring longingly wishing that the doors would suddenly unlock and people would be working, I thought about who I could call that wouldn't come across as annoyed or that I wouldn't feel HORRIBLE putting them out. After attempting to call my home teachers and being unable to press send after dialing their numbers I thought of Nate. I haven't seen Nate in awhile. He got married this summer and things change but I felt like I really could call Nate. And, as Nate's actions often remind me, some things never change. He came willingly and then thanked me for asking him for help. Not only did I get my tire fixed but I got to see and got a hug from one of my very best friends. I have missed my summer pals so much lately. Last summer, with their help...really just with their presence in my life, I was able to figure out a lot of stuff and understand so much of what I had been feeling for years and I think I want that again. I just want to sit around with them and feel like me again. I want to just be with the three of them. Tom is on the East Coast, Heather is in the South and Nate is close but married so we can't really hang out and I really miss it. That said, I am so grateful that Nate came to my rescue, yet again. I have always been able to count on him and always feel loved when he comes to rescue me. He is the closest thing to a big brother I have experienced and I am so blessed to have him.

The lives of many of the people I am still close to are changing drastically and I can't help but see that I'm still doing the same old stuff. I feel frozen in place and the frustration of not being able to escape is overwhelming me. I don't know how to escape. I want to quit my job and run away but there is always something holding me back. Pretty sure it all goes back to fear but I haven't been able to figure out how to get away from that yet. These thoughts are coming out like word vomit and nothing more. They're all things I can't bring myself to say out loud so here it is floating around the blog world.

Enough

Lately I have been feeling like I am not "enough". It's hard to be enough when you don't know how much "enough" is though. I've been feeling lately like no matter how much effort I put into something it ends up to be not enough. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't "enough". I'm not funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I'm just another thing that can be taken off of peoples ever overflowing "plates". What is this phrase "I have too much on my plate." I guess I can understand it but gosh it isn't the best feeling when people tell you that. Yeah, I haven't seen you in 2 months...but I have too much on my plate. Just another thing on their plate. And immediately it makes me feel like I must not be important enough to fit onto their plate. I don't ask a lot. A quick bite to eat, a trip to the temple, 15 minutes to just catch up. I just miss my friends. Sure I miss how once upon a time every night I had something to do but I don't really need that anymore. I'm okay with not having plans everyday. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am lonely and want to be with someone who loves me or that I just miss my friend and want to spend a few minutes with them. And it doesn't change the fact that repeated rejection hurts no matter who you are. Just needed to get that off my mind.

Poor Ruby

Picture this. I am sitting in line at Costco waiting to get gas. It's a Saturday morning so of course the lines are long but nothing like they usually are. I am talking to my friend about her baby shower that afternoon when I look up to see a big white truck backing up. Surely they see me, I think two seconds before they back right into me. As it is happening all I can think to do is say out loud "oh my gosh, someone is...someone just backed into my car." My dear pregnant friend, always thinking always cool headed replies with "Hang up the phone! Turn off your car!" I say bye and do both. I have never been in an accident before and this one was so weird. I wasn't even moving. My car hardly even moved. The guys bumper just went over top of my bumper and crunched my hood. Just like that, split second and poor Ruby is in line to get a face lift. We called the police, exchanged all of the important information and then went merrily on our way. Without the merrily part. From that point until today I have been all out grumpy pants and I can't shake it! My car is now at the shop awaiting her new face lift. She was said to be unsafe to drive because the hood might fly open, which I was grateful for because now I can have a rental car instead of finding rides or worrying about the hood on my car flying open as I drive down the street. My.rental.is.hot. It's definitely a Taurus. What a laugh! I thought I was done with those cars. I thought renting a car meant you get some fancy schmancy car with a sun roof, especially when you aren't the one paying for it. Apparently this here Taurus is an upgrade because the approved car from the other guys insurance wasn't available. Woo! Upgrade! Really though, I'm grateful for a vehicle and it kind of drives nice. I went for a long, somewhat pointless drive today and I sang at the top of my lungs. It was probably the lightest this weight on my shoulders has felt in awhile. I needed some alone time I guess.

My sister said something awhile ago that has been on my mind ever since. We were talking about her current waves of moods because of pregnancy and how she is so grateful for her husband because he is so patient with her. At one point in the conversation she said something along the lines of "It's nice to have someone that has to listen to what you say and that has to care." And I think somewhere in the conversation we discussed that not only does he have to but he wants to. It made me want that. And the last few days, I really wanted it. I had to deal with all of the crappy insurance stuff and make a lot of phone calls that made me uncomfortable and on top of that I had to deal with one of the most stressful weeks at work I have ever had and all I wanted was to come home to someone that would really hear what I said. Someone that really cared about what I was feeling and someone that could make all those dang insurance phone calls for me. I'm not picky, I would take a mom or an eternal marriage :). I didn't have either of those but there is someone. Someone that is always there, and He may not be able to make my phone calls for me but He'll hear what I am saying. And that brings me peace and strength to keep going. What more could a girl ask for. Okay, so maybe a hug. Yeah...a hug.

Here is poor Ruby.




And a cute pregnant Crackers.

Random

So it has been awhile. So much has been going on lately that I don't really feel like updating but I will say that I love summer. The weather isn't my favorite but I am even getting to the point where I don't even mind that. But my favorite part of summer is that for some reason it brings people together. Maybe because it's BBQ season or because people are less busy with school and such, but whatever the reason, I love it. Since the summer started I have seen my old Raintree pals several times which I always love. I'm curious what it will be like in 10 years if we are still in touch. I bet we'll sit around and tell the same stories we tell now. We have a few favorites that are told over and over but then every now and then little gems...memory gems if you will, come and it's beautiful. I loved sitting in Jays backyard last weekend at the annual birthday bash. It felt comfortable and right. I have also seen a lot of my Baltimore girls recently which is something I can never get enough of. We had a girls night last night and it was everything I needed. I have felt a little off this week, nothing is really wrong I just don't feel like me, but last night I felt SO me. We ate at Applebees, watched and cried over an episode of Oprah and then looked at scrapbooks from the old days when life was easy. (*sigh*) We decided we were just going to rewind and go back to that time. I think we should. I know for a fact that even though our lives are changing and Heatherfer is taking a big step away and getting married and moving to Texas we will all stay close. Years from now we'll get together and our kids will be best friends (they have no choice...) and they'll call all of my friends Aunt so and so and they won't realize until they are 12 that those women actually aren't their aunts (thats how it happened for me). I'm sad to see Heather go but I am so happy for the things that are happening in her life, and I am even happier because as much as I hate change I am handling it quite well, which in the past usually meant I was in denial but whatev, bring it on! Enough of that babble. :)

Recently I made the decision that if I get a small thought or feeling that I should do something, and it is a good something I am going to do it. I have thought about this in the past but always chickened out in the end because calling someone out of the blue just because you thought of them can sometimes be awkward, but it can also be a good thing. I thought of the many times a friend has called or texted or emailed me and said exactly what I needed to hear, or even just the fact that they called was what I needed and so I'm going to try it. I've had a few failed attempts this week but it's kind of fun, and it is a good way to get out of my shell and talk to people I usually wouldn't or contact old friends that I don't talk to as often as I should. It'll be a fun experiment I think.

One last thing, I experienced a tender mercy today. I hesitate to use that phrase because I feel like it has been somewhat...hmmm, can I say this without sounding horrible. I'm just going to say it, I think it has been overused in the last few years. I think tender mercies are amazing things, but until I heard Elder Bednars talk I hadn't really thought about using that phrase to explain things (yes I know it is in the scriptures and maybe I have heard it but, you get what I'm saying.) Anyway, I don't use that phrase often but a cute little thing happened today that I would consider a tender mercy and since I'm trying to be a more grateful person here it is! As I said before, I have been kind of off this week. I'm trying to figure out why but still not sure. Today at work I was feeling especially weird and I had just expressed this to my co-worker. As I was saying it I opened my fantastic 100 calorie pack and pulled out a cookie, which happened to be two cookies stuck together in the shape of a heart. I held it up and my co-worker said "Oh look! You are loved!" That ridiculous little cookie made.my.day. I took a picture of it and set it as the wallpaper on my cell phone. Silly little things like that seem pretty meaningless but today it made me smile and that is all I needed. And so you can all smile with me, here is the picture! Have a fabulous day!

Reunion

I'm going to keep this one short because for once in my life I'm not going to try to explain something to death. I'm just going to say what Lori said tonight as we walked into the Mansfields house and I'm going to post pictures. Done and Done.

"It feels like coming home."