Who is this person?

Do you ever have hours, days, weeks, months etc where you are some person that you don't even know? That's me lately. I have been SUCH a brat to people I really really care about lately and I need to stop. It makes me ache inside after it happens. The worst part is that in the moment I don't realize how awful I'm being until right after I do or say something and then the aching starts. I don't get where it's coming from but I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyone have any suggestions? I think I really need to figure out where some of these feelings of frustration and sadness come from that are the starting off point for all of the awfulness. Bleh, I hate feeling this way.

I'm so addicted

To Gilmore Girls. Seriously. I know I know, we already know this but it's kind of getting to be the way it used to be. I went through a phase where I didn't care so much about Gilmore Girls anymore, mostly because I hated that Luke & Lorelai weren't together but now that the show has been over for a year I am coming to terms with things and really loving it again! My aunt sent me the 7th season because it is a "necessity" (I totally agree with that by the way) and I watched it in a week. Much better the second time but it left me wanting more! So I started at the beginning again, sort of. Season 2 to be exact. (My friend is borrowing Season 1 otherwise I woulda gone all the way.) So I definitely haven't finished Season 2 in a week but every free moment I have I just have to watch! I have seen it all the way through several times but I don't have it completely memorized yet so I must continue! Anyway, I noticed yesterday that I am getting back to the old days of things in my life reminding me of Gilmore Girls and dang it I'm not living with a Gilmore Girls addict at the moment so most of the time I sound silly when I try to tell my roommate about the connection. Yesterday I actually called Kiely so that I could share the moment with SOMEONE that would understand! She understood and she swooned right along with me.

I think I have an addiction to some TV Shows in general. I love being able to get lost in the fake/insane lives of made up people. I think I'm having a quarter life crisis and so I'm living vicariously or something. I'm okay with that though because it sure is fun! This blog has no point whatsoever but I was thinking about my addiction all day & isn't that what blogs are for? Yeaaah!!!

The long awaited BLOG!!

So I learned recently that people check my blog! Oh my heavens I had no idea! What a boring little blog this has been lately. I always get so sad when I look at my friends blogs and they haven't updated in a day or two. Here I am 3 months later...Lame-O. I guess there just hasn't been that much to say lately. My life is going along as normal. Changes are coming and that will be an adventure! I get to move two times in three months. This for the girl that stays in one place for years on end because she hates moving. Yikes, I'm struggling. I have so much JUNK! I need someone to come in my room and just throw everything away. Okay, not everything. There are a few things I probably should keep but really, yeah lets throw everything away. Really though I'm ready for a change. I feel like I'm in yet another rut & I am ready for a new start. I've been thinking a lot this past week about life and how quickly things can change. A friend from my EFY years passed away unexpectedly last week & although I hadn't seen him in years I still feel quite a bit of sadness when I think about it. My heart aches for his family & close friends. As I thought about it I began to think of where my life is right now and I decided I want to do better. My home teachers talked to us today about living in the moment and that we need to be prepared for what is going to come in our lives. We really never know. Life has unexpected twists & turns. I want to live life to the fullest. I need to tell the people I love that I love them more often. I need to make choices to better myself a little everyday. I need to find the good in all situations & I need to laugh more. I was with some friends on Saturday night and we laughed until we cried! I hadn't done that in forever and it felt so good. I'm ready to start over.

On a completely different note, Boston is so soon!!! About a month and a half until I get my vacation and I can't wait! I'm turning 25 this week and I think this trip is part of my quarter life crisis & I can't wait!! I'm so excited to see my old roommate and very dear friend Corinnie & to explore Boston with her! I'm excited that Tom is going to come to Boston while I am there so we can spend some time together and I'm excited to go to Baltimore afterwards to see my family & a few friends too. Laur just moved back to Maryland and I can't wait to go on our traditional trip to the DC Temple but to actually go inside this time. I'm hoping upon hope that my friend Rach who is moving to Florida next month will come up to Baltimore for the weekend while I am there also. It will be a full trip but one I'm sure I'll never forget. I really can't wait! Okay enough of that! And because everyone loves pictures below is a picture of Amy Lora Karalee & I at Disney on Ice (princess style!!!)

The year in review

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. The New Years post. Gotta love it. I wasn't planning to but I realized that last year I blogged 12 times (so pathetic right?) and then I noticed that I did the same this year SO I had to blog one more time, and plus, I just read my first post from this year and I think it's about time for some follow up. I think I did it. I think there is room for improvement, but I think I started to overcome some of my fears. I let myself really care for people this year and I let other people care about me. I learned this year that I deserve to be treated really well, I realized that it's possible that someone can love me someday. I overcame some of my fears about getting involved in my ward. I was able to recognize blessings in my life that I haven't realized in the past. My testimony of the gospel has grown with a huge foundation on the Atonement. I started to become more self-reliant in my emotions. I didn't feel like i needed to go running to a friend every time something upset me. It's definitely nice to have that as an option, with the wonderful friends that I have but it's not something I felt like I had to do in order to feel better. I feel stronger then ever and I hope that keeps growing because I want to continue feeling that way year after year. A little stronger each year. I went to Minnesota, so silly, but for me a trip like that was overcoming huge fears. It wasn't the easiest trip ever. I love the friends I was with but there were definitely some struggles in readjusting to each other. But I handled it better then I ever have with only a few tears to Chris on the phone. I feel like I succeeded in my hopes for this year and I hope to build on that this year. 2007 was a really great year. One of my favorites and one with some of my biggest milestones. I'm blessed and I like where I am in my life.

I already have big ideas for 2008, I hope to keep the goals I have set for myself but if I slip up, that's okay too. I'll get back to it if I keep trying and have faith that I don't have to make these changes alone. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And for Tom, the theme-2008 I Am Legend.

*I began writing this blog on October 12th, for some reason I stopped but saved it and just now decided it was time to finish it. Parts are a little out dated, but I decided not to change it.*

Sometimes I wonder why I do this blog thing. I read my posts later and think that a person would have to be crazy to want to read about my unimportant thoughts but I always find myself coming back because I feel things that I don't know how to express or don't feel comfortable expressing verbally. It's kind of ridiculous to be so open about my feelings in such a public forum, but although it's public, it feels safe. I don't have to face the people that I know are aware it exists, and if I do they don't tell me they have read it so it's like nothing ever happened. So, here I am back in the land of blog.

I have been feeling so so blessed lately. This past weekend was General Conference and it was everything I could have hoped for. It was by far the best conference experience I have ever had, which I know has everything to do with the fact that I prepared and went into it with an open heart and a desire to improve myself and to have my questions answered. Both of which happened. I was able to go to Salt Lake to watch two of the sessions with my friend Chris and it really made a difference for me. We watched the Saturday and Sunday morning sessions in the Legacy Theater on Temple Square and I loved it. I have never cried so much during conference or felt so truly touched. I also got to spend time with one of my favorite people which is always something I'm grateful for. I've been searching so much lately for anything, to feel fulfilled in someway and this weekend gave me that. I felt emotion more deeply then I have in a long time. And I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been trying to get to know people in my ward and make friends, etc but it's been hard for me. I have made some headway but it's not like I would like it to be. So, I felt really blessed to be with a friend that gets me and that knows me so well he can "read my mind." I also went to my sisters house for lunch and the second session of Conference on Sunday which ended up being something I really needed too. I don't always feel like my brother-in-law really likes me but lately something has changed and I feel like we get along better and he isn't just humoring me all the time. Maybe he realized he is stuck with me. haha! It was just nice to hang out with my sister at her house and to feel comfortable and like I was welcome and accepted. That night I went to ward prayer and ended up talking to people which was a miracle! I usually slip out quickly before anyone notices I was even there so I don't have the awkwardness of realizing I'm not gutsy enough to talk to people and people aren't going to just come up and talk to me. If you get the heck out that saves a lot of trouble. :)

To continue with my wonderful week I went to a show on Tuesday night that was originally made for a Sunday night show at the Nauvoo Temple and my Bishop set up a performance for us to see. My friend Alex was in it which was such a fun surprise for me to see her. I absolutely loved the show. It was broadway music, disney music and gospel songs. So amazing!! It's just about life and the things that happen and the people that touch your life. At the end I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I am so blessed. I cried again for the 5,000th time in 3 days. I love that Heavenly Father knows me. Through all of the loneliness and confusion that I have felt so often in my life, I always know that I don't have to do it alone. I'm really grateful for that. In an attempt to be more positive, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love knowing that I have a Savior who loves me and made it possible for me to live this life and to have choices about how I do and to have a way to repent when I make mistakes. I love knowing that this life isn't the end, that I can be with my family for eternity. There are so many reasons but in an attempt to be less wordy, I'll stop there.

2. My family. I have a different family. We have our issues but one thing I can never forget is that there is a lot of love. Whenever I get together with my extended family I can't help but smile because they're quirky, they argue but underneath it all our family is based on love and support. I've seen it and I'm grateful for it.

3. My current friends that are like my family. For most of my life I have had big groups of "good friends." I am at a point now where a lot of people are moving on and having families of their own but I have a group of people that I know will always be in my life. The amount of time I have known them spans from 14 years to 2 years. Some I have known since Young Women's, some I met at EFY some I met in my singles wards in Utah, some at work. They have all individually made a huge difference in me as a person by sharing their love and their examples. These people have been put in my life for a reason.

4. Old friends. There are a lot of people that were a huge part of my life at very important times, but for some reason we have lost track of each other or we just keep in very distant touch but I can't forget the difference they have made in my life. A lot of these people were a huge part of my life a few years ago when I was sick and they helped make my life bearable. Whether it was a home teacher that I hardly knew that came and danced in my room in the ICU or a friend that was dating my roommate and was the 3rd person to see me after I woke up in the hospital and was very scared. There were the ones that gave me blessings or the ones that got me to the hospital when I couldn't walk. We're in different places in our lives but my life was definitely changed because of them and they're very close to my heart still.

5. Music. It inspires me and I feel more deeply through music then anything else. I have no musical abilities whatsoever but I sure know how to appreciate music.

6. I am grateful that I know who I am. I know that I am of great worth because I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. That is something I repeated over and over in Young Womens but I don't think I fully grasped what that meant then. I definitely don't think I do now either, but my understanding of that phrase to be "a daughter of God" means so much more now. I am also grateful for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk from October and this quote: "The scriptures tell us that 'if any man love God, the same is known of him.' What a wonderful promise-to be known of Him. It makes the spirit soar to think that the Creator of heaven and earth could know us and love us with a pure, eternal love."

I'm grateful for a lot more, but for now this is where I will stop.

Trash kicked...

Yeah, life is kicking my trash lately. I've felt especially confused about me and about my life. I've been missing some of my friends more often then usual. My emotions are in a million different places. I got a flat tire yesterday and I definitely cried for at least half an hour before I had the guts to call and ask someone for help. I hate when things happen to my car because that is when I feel the most incapable. I have no idea how to do anything with my car and I hate HATE hate asking for car help because I feel like I have had to so often and people have got to be annoyed by now. I know I am. So as I sat in the Big O parking lot staring longingly wishing that the doors would suddenly unlock and people would be working, I thought about who I could call that wouldn't come across as annoyed or that I wouldn't feel HORRIBLE putting them out. After attempting to call my home teachers and being unable to press send after dialing their numbers I thought of Nate. I haven't seen Nate in awhile. He got married this summer and things change but I felt like I really could call Nate. And, as Nate's actions often remind me, some things never change. He came willingly and then thanked me for asking him for help. Not only did I get my tire fixed but I got to see and got a hug from one of my very best friends. I have missed my summer pals so much lately. Last summer, with their help...really just with their presence in my life, I was able to figure out a lot of stuff and understand so much of what I had been feeling for years and I think I want that again. I just want to sit around with them and feel like me again. I want to just be with the three of them. Tom is on the East Coast, Heather is in the South and Nate is close but married so we can't really hang out and I really miss it. That said, I am so grateful that Nate came to my rescue, yet again. I have always been able to count on him and always feel loved when he comes to rescue me. He is the closest thing to a big brother I have experienced and I am so blessed to have him.

The lives of many of the people I am still close to are changing drastically and I can't help but see that I'm still doing the same old stuff. I feel frozen in place and the frustration of not being able to escape is overwhelming me. I don't know how to escape. I want to quit my job and run away but there is always something holding me back. Pretty sure it all goes back to fear but I haven't been able to figure out how to get away from that yet. These thoughts are coming out like word vomit and nothing more. They're all things I can't bring myself to say out loud so here it is floating around the blog world.

Enough

Lately I have been feeling like I am not "enough". It's hard to be enough when you don't know how much "enough" is though. I've been feeling lately like no matter how much effort I put into something it ends up to be not enough. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't "enough". I'm not funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I'm just another thing that can be taken off of peoples ever overflowing "plates". What is this phrase "I have too much on my plate." I guess I can understand it but gosh it isn't the best feeling when people tell you that. Yeah, I haven't seen you in 2 months...but I have too much on my plate. Just another thing on their plate. And immediately it makes me feel like I must not be important enough to fit onto their plate. I don't ask a lot. A quick bite to eat, a trip to the temple, 15 minutes to just catch up. I just miss my friends. Sure I miss how once upon a time every night I had something to do but I don't really need that anymore. I'm okay with not having plans everyday. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am lonely and want to be with someone who loves me or that I just miss my friend and want to spend a few minutes with them. And it doesn't change the fact that repeated rejection hurts no matter who you are. Just needed to get that off my mind.