One week...

In one week my mom will be HERE! I really can't wait. I mean really really. I've been sooo homesick and I have had some moments of lonliness of sorts and it's so nice to have mom around. I just can't wait. That's all there is to it. It's been a pretty good week. There have been some work issues that I am struggling with but I am trying to be strong and ignore it. The boss gets back Thursday and then I won't have to worry about it anymore I'll just have to get myself to fight the temptation to run it over in my mind which will in turn make me feel unappreciated over and over and I really don't want to get into that. Soo, I'll work on that.

Sunday was a really good day. Mostly. On Saturday the girl that was teaching Relief Society on Sunday called and asked if I would share with the sisters a trial I have had that I relied on the Lord to get through. Lets be honest here. I totally freeaaaked. Hellooo anxiety attack. I told her I would let her know and then I hung up the phone and cried. Then I told myself that she asked me for a reason and I needed to do it. I don't know why but I knew I needed to so I called and told her I would do it. Sunday started morning right when I woke up the anxiety started and didn't go away until about 20 minutes after I shared my experience in Relief Society. I was praying like crazy to know what to say. The thing that kept coming to my mind was the last thing I wanted to share, I didn't want to feel so exposed. For a girl that has worked VERY hard the past 3 years to be as unexposed as possible, getting up and telling a group of gorgeous, spiritual girls that seem (seem) to have it all together, that I struggle with depression was the last thing I wanted to do but I was supposed to so I did. I don't know what I said when I got up there but for the first time in years when I sat down I wasn't beating myself up for sounding stupid. Although I was shaking so much that people were probably beginning to wonder what my deal was I felt like I expressed myself clearly and the spirit was there, for me at least. I cried for a long time after I sat down but it wasn't so much a bad cry. All of RS was really amazing and the spirit was very strong and I did feel a closeness to the sisters that I hadn't felt before. It's hard to be in a ward with so many people that, at first glance, it seems I have nothing in common with but I have learned well over the years that the first glance means nothing. So ya know I'm working on that. Anyway the rest of Sunday was good too. I went and visited HB for her birthday and chatted with her for a little while which is always fun. We planned with Nate to go to dinner Monday night so I had something to look forward to. :-)

Work on Monday was one of those days where you just want to cry a whole bunch but you don't and then things get better. I just kept thinking about being with my summer friends minus T and I felt like I could make it. I did, no worries. It was so fun to be with N & H. We went to dinner at P.F Chang's (We asked what the P & F stand for the girl only knew that it was their names so we decided it must be Paul & Frank...Chang.) The person that brought our food out messed up and brought the wrong food but they put it on our table so they couldn't give it to the rightful owners, therefore it became ours FOR FREE. Heck yes two free entree's!! We were so excited and ate a whole bunch. Try the Mongolian Beef it's delicious (especially when it's free, otherwise it costs $15 and I dont' know how worth it that is...although it is pretty tasty...) We took what was left of our food to N's girlfriend and were able to spend a few hours talking with her. It was the first real conversation we've been able to have with her and hey, if N ends up marrying this cute girl we want to know her! :-) She's wonderful and I'm excited for N to be with someone that he loves so much and that loves him too.

The birthday celebrations continued today but for roommate A this time. We got pizza from CPK (heh heh) and had cake and ice cream and watched Cars...well, they're currently watching it still I am going to bed early tonight though because I didn't get to bed til 1 last night and I felt sooo sick all day and ended up leaving work early.

Anyway, that is life as of now. I am trying to get back in the habit of the goals I set for myself awhile ago. Hopefully I will do it. I really noticed a difference in myself when I was doing those things and I want to feel that way again. Until next time...

Tuesday already! Yay! I have an admission...I listened to Harry Potter (the 1st book) on CD at work yesterday and today and I loved it...DANG IT! Seriously, I have been fighting this for years but pure boredom overcame my stubborness and I listened to it. I am so ashamed, but really excited too. I can totally see why everyone loves it. How embarrassing. Pride is bad, don't give in! My awesome old roomie is going to let me borrow the rest of her cds so I can feed this new addiction. What a pal. :-) I'm really awake today, I went to bed at 9 last night and slept until 7. Lucky me!!

R called me today and asked if I want to go to Disney on Ice this weekend. SO there! I'm really excited. Mostly to hang with R but Disney on Ice should be fun too.

Okay, so just a quick jump back to Sunday. Sunday was incredible. Fast and Testimony meeting was amazing, Sunday School also amazing and Relief Society...well pretty much just blew me away. I am amazed more and more at the faith of the sisters in my RS. I have SO much I can learn from them and I love being there. The lesson was given by the RS Secretary and she chose my favorite talk from all of conference for the basis of her lesson. She used the first talk from the RS General meeting. It's amazing, I don't care if you are a girl or not you should read this talk. All of them really, but that one really touched me. As I wrote about once before, they had a video of sisters sharing their testimonies on how they feel the love of the Lord in their lives at the conference session. That question was posed to us in RS and wow, I was so touched by the answers the sisters gave. Every one of them should have been in that video. That lesson was one that I wished more then ever that anxiety wouldn't hold me back so much. There were things I just wanted to share but fear overcame that desire. I hate that. One time I even raised my hand but after not being the first chosen (which is SO okay by the way) I chickened out and thought my answer wouldn't be as good so I didn't answer. I did read a quote because I just needed to do something. Just thinking about that lesson right now fills my heart so much. Relief Society is awesome. I love that we have a place to go that feels so safe, I truly feel that sisterhood that everyone always talks about. Amazing.

We invited some people over for pie on Sunday night and unfortunately everyone was busy but AF from the ward did come and I was so glad. She is such a cool person and I don't really know her very well but I have a feeling we have some things in common. This girl KNOWS geneology. I wish I did, maybe someday I'll ask her to teach me. She taught a class in church last year but I have taken that class soo many times and I never really get it and I just felt like I would end up being frustrated just like every other time so I didn't go. I think I'm more of a one on one kind of student. Anyway, she came and had some pie and then stayed for ward prayer. It was fun to talk with her a bit more. Ward prayer was interesting as always, especially with the help of my roommates electric shock game. Not quite sure why people like to be hurt but they kept playing. It was really funny. :-) I ended up staying up way too late and hanging out with my roommates, ALL OF THEM, which is something we haven't done in forever. It wasn't completely interactive but it was nice.

I miss having social experiences and I keep feeling like the effort I am putting forth never works out. I'm keeping a positive attitude about it and convincing myself that it isn't personal, because I really don't think it is. People are busy, that is where it ends. It is certainly a weird change from 223 land where we didn't even have to work for it, we had it so much that it sometimes got old. Now I have to work for it and it is hard. We don't have a ton of people that we can invite over but I'm trying. I invited N over for pie and he said he would come after work but ended up having to stay late and couldn't coem because he had to be somewhere at 10. I was so sad! I miss him and never get to talk to him anymore. He is going to meet his girlfriends family next week which will be one of the last steps needed before they get engaged. I am so excited for him but I do miss him. We have been friends since we were 13 or 14 and he has always been a strength to me. He took me to my prom and put up with me being a brat to him afterwards. He is the only person I wrote to regularly on his mission. He is like my brother and after spending so much time together this summer I just miss him. That's all. Don't read into that people for the love don't be like that. I just miss him. The end. That is all.

I'm out.

Waited til the end and still have no title

I really hate putting titles on these here blog posts...Maybe I will do that last.

I was so dang productive today. AL and I left the house this morning while it was still MORNING (before noon...not much before but still, showered dressed and gone by noon on a Saturday is incredible!) We shopped til we dropped and didn't really buy anything frivolous unless you count snowman candle holders that cost $4, but I don't think those count at all. While we were out I got a text informing me that another friend is engaged. JK deserves it more then anyone I can think of and I am SO thrilled for him but I have to say I was surprised, which was probably evident in my response which went something like "um, what? really?" Soon followed by a friendly congratulatory text. I guess I figured it would happen soon but J and I haven't talked in awhile so I hadn't heard any of the latest details. I'm thrilled for him and wish for him all of the happiness in the world because he deserves it. Getting that text made me a little sad, I will just say it straight out. I'm happy, SO happy for him but it's always a little sad when a guy friend is getting married because things change. When your girlfriends get married you can totally stay friends, it is expected but when guy friends get married it's different. I have one guy friend who got married and is still completely normal with me and I am insanely grateful, but it isn't common and I don't expect it. I think I just realized that the more and more my friends go off and get married the less friends I'll have...hey that's not okay!! :-) I remember one night JK saying to those of us in the car that we are the kind of friends that last. Someday we're all going to be married and have kids and we'll still be like, oh yeah my friend J or my friend R and our kids can be friends too. Friends that last, sitting on rocking chairs on their front porches talking about the "good old days"...that sounds good to me.

Speaking of the good old days I ran into a friend from the "good old days" today. I'm tellin ya, my week to see old friends. I saw her at the one place you run into someone you know EVERY time you go there...Walmart. It was so fun to see her and catch up. It had been a few years I think since we have talked and I loved it. She was in the old ward back in its prime. When the whole ward was BF'sF (haha!) and we hung out together all the time. Tightest bond I have ever had with such a huge number of people and it lasts. To this day I see people from that time and my heart is warmed because of what we all shared. We may not have known everyone on a deep personal level but everyone felt welcome and loved and a part of something. Some of my best friends came from that time in my life and I will hold on to them forever. Anyway, it was so refreshing talking to my friend because as we talked she brought up the good old days and everything she said hit so close to home and I just had to thank her because sometimes I think that it was so good I had to have made it up. But it was real, she said so. :-)

I bought stuff to make pumpkin pie tomorrow and although I am excited about it I am a little nostalgic because the years that T was living out here we made pie from scratch right out of a real pumpkin and yes I assume I could do that too but really, lets be honest, that is a lot of work and it is SO less fun when you aren't doing it with your besties. So I bought the canned stuff. *Shhh don't tell* We're hoping to have some friends over to eat those there pies tomorrow after the fireside so hey we might just be social for a few minutes. Miracle of miracles.

I need to find a new place to live. In these parts you have to sign up early to get the good stuff but I am at a total loss. I don't even know where to begin. This will be the first time I'm moving alone I have always known someone but this is just me this time. Scary, but good for me. Now although my social life would be worse then it is now, I would love to have my own place. I just need to find someone to pay for it. heh heh. That would be the dream but it won't happen for awhile I'm sure. Maybe just one other roommate would be good. Maybe I should just move to Boston to my two bedroom wood floor apartment with a fireplace that I have decided is so "Boston" and sooo what I am looking for. Good old apartments.com Helping lost 20 somethings find a home one dingy rundown apartment at a time. *sigh* Welp, I am off to watch a movie that has come highly recommended by T. A Prairie Home Companion. I love the soundtrack I'm sure I will love the movie. I'll let you know...whoever you are...

I Like Fridays

I went and had girls night with MH and her daughter, who we will call baby girl. I had soo much fun! My drive to up there was quite frightening but I made it safely. There were SO many accidents on the freeway tonight a 30 minute drive took me an hour and twenty minutes tonight. It was crazy! M took me to Cracker Barrel for my first ever experience. It was so fun! I love the atmosphere of that place, not to mention all the carbs. mu haha! I had hashbrown things that tasted like bagels to me. M swears i'm crazy but that is nothing new. I love the store at Cracker Barrel AND when M told the lady at the register it was my first CB experience she gave me a treat. Now I have a map so I can find a CB in all of my travels. :-) How kind! Oh yeah, and big laugh of the night...hostess asked if we needed silverware for the baby. Uhhh...2 months old, obviously too young to be eating anything off of silverware...good times good times. Baby girl was so good which made it so M and I could talk which I always love. I love being with her, when we lived together we had our disagreements but after awhile we just sort of clicked and now she is one of my favorite people to be with. She's absolutely hilarious and easy to talk to and I always have a blast being with her. Not to mention baby girl is the cutest thing in the whole world and they do say holding a baby once a week will make it so you're always happy. I don't know how true that is but gosh I sure do love playing with her! M and I sang to some loud rap-type music while getting white hot chocolate from starbucks which, with the rap makes it a very M type adventure! Oh and if you have never tried white hot chocoloate you should. Best stuff in the world, I promise. YUM! We went and saw Paco at work and then headed home. I had such a good time and they have such a cute family. M and Paco are so in love and they love baby girl so much. They're amazing parents and I admire them for that!

This has been my week for talking to people I haven't talked to in awhile, mostly a month or more and it's been fun. I love having people I can talk to once or twice a month and still be close. Seeing each other is even better. Crackers and I feel the need to fit in a million things everytime we talk or see each other. We live 5 mins away from each other but for some reason we don't talk very often and have this need to shove it all into what ends up being very long (and enjoyable) conversations. I got to have one of those with her today and it made me happy. :-) The weekend is here again which means I am going to try to be productive. I'm going to attempt spring cleaning. It's the fall though so I'm not completely sure how well it will work but I have a feeling it will be better. In the spring I just want to be outside all the time because the weather is so perfect and although I love the Fall the temptation is probably less so perhaps it will happen. If not, oh well. Maybe next week.

Happy things:

Holding babys
Visiting with old friends
The temple
flip flops
having a place to write my thoughts even if no one reads them but me

It was almost a terrible horrible no good very bad day...

Today was weird, I'll be honest. It isn't quite over yet so maybe it will continue to be weird but who knows! I had a moment today where I realized that the way I was acting was ridiculous and embarrassing and I couldn't believe I was being such a child. I have those moments once in awhile but I usually justify it but today I realized I hated the way I felt. I felt horrible for being a brat and so I did something about it. I couldn't believe what a difference it made. What happened was so small and unimportant and quite possibly would have been forgotten by tomorrow but I didn't want to feel crappy and I really wanted to apologize so I did. I kept telling myself, oh you're at work, boss lady treats you like that all the time you don't have to apologize to her for treating her like that, you don't do things like that at work just at home. But I couldn't get it out of my mind so I emailed boss lady and apologized. Usually when boss lady gets mad she stays mad for the rest of the day but the email softened my heart and hers. So, I guess no matter how hard it is to humble myself it's usually a pretty good idea. So what I thought was the beginnings of a terrible horrible no good very bad day became just a normal day.

My job is the type of job that if you don't have music or SOMETHING going on you'll most likely go crazy. I get to the point sometimes where I am sick to death of my music. After listening to the Prairie Home Companion soundtrack about 7 times in a row today I decided it was about time I find something else to listen to. (I hadn't listened to that cd in forever so I wasn't sick of it yet like I am with the rest of my music) I decided to listen to the Relief Society session of conference which I have listened to 3 times already at work but I absolutely love it and I am so grateful I can listen to it while I'm doing my mindless work. Feeling uplifted and filled with the spirit at work is something rare but amazing! When I went to the conference center for the session and every time I have listened to it since there has been one part that jumps out at me every time. It is a part that you wouldn't expect. Or at least I wouldn't. Relief Society is amazing and even in conference they make it a little more special and this year they had a video of sisters sharing their testimonies about how they feel the love of the Lord in their lives. It touches me every time but there is one sister in particular that every time I hear it I have to rewind and listen to it again and so I do. Finally today I wrote down what she said. Her comment is so simple but I think it is the way she says it that touches me. She is filled with faith and love for th Lord and she has a light, even just listening to her I can tell how close she is to the Savior. Anyway, this is what she says:

"Obstacles do come but if I have trust and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and do what I need to do to keep the commandments, whatever happens is the will of the Lord and I will obey."

How amazing is that? Everytime I hear that I just think about it and realize, not only do I need to have faith but I need to do my part. I need to work to keep the commandments and maybe it is the end that touches me the most because it is so hard to remember and so hard to do. Whatever happens is the will of the Lord and I will obey. Wow, that womans faith amazes me. I want to be like that. Anyway, that was a little out of nowhere but I couldn't ignore the way it made me feel.

After work I went and bought the conference issue of the Ensign and I am so excited to read and study it. I'm excited to feel the things I felt during conference again and ponder on them more. I'm about to have a girls night with LH and AV. I'm excited about it because it's the first time we've hung out without the hubby since L got married. Although we love her hubby to death I think it will be fun. It's also the first time to hang out since L got back to Utah that A and I are on better terms then we have been in months. Things are still hard for me because I do feel hurt but things change, often they are less dramatic when they change but hey things happen how they have to I guess. Anyway, it should be fun. If nothing else we're having a Gilmore Girls marathon and really who can complain about that. Hmm, maybe I'll try to go see RT tonight...it's been a month. Okay I'm out.

Do blogs really need titles?

Wow, so it has been a long time since my last blog. I've been inspired by others lately to blog more often and after reading my old blogs I don't think it's such a bad thing to be inspired to do. I don't think I fully remembered how I was feeling 5 months ago so reading about it made me realize how much things have changed. This summer has been full of growing experiences and I see such a change in my life. I'm starting to become okay with change, and although I am the queen of fighting change maybe this is a start. I got a blessing over a year ago that mentioned that I was going to have a big change coming in my life and that the things that were going on in my life were preparing me for that change. Many times since then I have wondered, "hmm, maybe this is the big change." But never before have I felt so ready for something big and new. I realized more than ever this summer that I am loved and very blessed and that answers to prayers come in unexpected ways. I got to spend the majority of my summer with 3 people that I have been friends with for close to 10 years. The old friends are the ones you take for granted. I think I always figured that because I had known these three for so long their purpose in my life was done and we had just stayed friends because we love each other. But I realized that over and over again they have blessed my life. What they did for me was so simple but so incredible for me. I don't think H, N & T will ever know how much I needed this summer. For years I haven't been the Beth that I was always happy to be and in a way I have been searching hard for that Beth. And suddenly, I am given the chance to spend a few months with some great friends who know me, REALLY know me and in the end I figure out who "me" is. For the first time in years I felt comfortable with people. I didn't feel like I had to act a certain way or say certain things. I didn't feel like I had to be anyone but me and at first I felt almost like I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like there was this person hidden deep deep down inside of me that I knew was there but I couldn't get to. That person was too hidden by insecurities and fears but those things went away. My friends believed in me, one in particular. He has this way of just assuming the best in you. He doesn't look at someone and say, oh well this person has these weaknesses so we'll avoid this this and this so as not to make them uncomfortable. He doesn't do that. He has this innocence almost. He just figured, well of course Beth can do that, why not? He never once questioned me. At the beginning I was questioning myself enough for everyone because that is what I do. I have spent my life being careful. The only thing I have ever gone into with all of myself is relationships (family/friends) and even over the past three years that went away. I couldn't trust people enough to let them see who I am. So really careful was for me. It was easy and safe but I had to stop. I had to step out there and put my heart into things. I had to try things that I was afraid to do and to my surprise I wasn't so bad at it. All I needed was to believe in myself and lucky for me I had a perfect example of that. As the summer went on I really thought I would dread the end of summer when everything would surely end as T left to move to the "big city" and H & N got involved in new experiences but I didn't. At first I still felt empty inside and I did for awhile until I realized my 3 friends couldn't fill that emptiness. Only one person could fill that emptiness and I finally humbled myself enough to turn to Him and ask for help. Having that emptiness filled made the summer even better. I didn't dread the end of the summer when T would move and H & N would have new things happening that wouldn't include me (at least not as regularly as the summer did). Sure the end of the summer was hard. I was sad to see T leave. I was sad to think I wouldn't see H & N 3 or more times a week. I shed a few tears but they were more tears of gratitude then anything else. I felt at peace because I truly believe I learned a lesson this summer that I have needed to learn for a long time. Our summer o' fun has been over for 2 and a half months now and sure I miss my friends, who wouldn't? But I feel a joy I have never felt in my life. My friends helped me to heal and helped me to see the parts of my life that were lacking. I have a lot of growing to do. I have things coming in my life that I am so excited for and want to be really ready for and I have things I am confused about, and things I need to figure out and they are things I can't (and won't have to) figure out alone. So, you big things that are coming, bring it. I'm ready. I might stumble. I might fall. But I'll get back up and keep going because I can. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but if you do, first of all you're incredible. Second, I am going to work my hardest to not let the underlying message of all of my blogs be "Beth hates change and is trying to avoid it." I'm going to go more with the, this is my life, i'm learning, i'm living and i'm attempting to make a difference along the way, mindset. Oh and every once in awhile I might have a gratitude list goin. On the days that I need it at least.

I am grateful for:

-Beautiful music that touches my heart
-Friends that uplift and strengthen me
-The courage to open up my heart a little to people I haven't really let in yet
-Halloween costumes that make people weeze because they are laughing so hard
-My Baltimore hoodie

This is life..what am I waiting for?!

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks the future feels so hard and I wanna go back." -Sara Groves

Alright so I think I should just rename this blog "Beth is trying to be okay with change" call it good and stop writing blogs...but really what fun would that be for me?

So for quite awhile I have been trying to be okay with having a smaller group of friends and not having some kind of social activity to do every night or weekend, and I have questioned quite a bit why it had to be this way. I felt like after those things were gone I had nothing else. For all I know my years at Raintree with my amazing friends will quite possibly be the "best" of my "college" years but what is happening now isn't so bad either. I'm learning how to be okay with being alone. I am learning to rely on a more permanent source for strength. I am learning more about myself. If I still had my big group of friends that I hung out with everyday I would probably be too busy being one of the group to figure out what I need in my life and what I want out of life. So, here it is. Those times were great and I learned a ton and had some great experiences and some pretty crappy ones. It's easy to look back and only see the good but there was bad too, and I grew from it. I have realized that those were great times and they helped shape me to be who I am currently and what is happening now will shape me more. Just because that time is over doesn't mean its gone and it meant nothing. I have a lot of incredible people in my life that have touched my life in a way no one else could and even though we don't see each other everyday or even every month we are still there for each other. I think I have realized that a lifelong friend isn't exactly the kind of friend you see everyday, it's the kind that you care about and care about you enough to keep putting forth effort. (You would think having a friend like Joanie who I have never lived in the same place as and is still my best friend would have made me realize this sooner...) Today was amazing and being with a whole bunch of old friends was incredible. I got to spend the afternoon with my old UT pals and the late afternoon/evening with my old Baltimore friends. I felt today like we are all really moving forward...people are married or getting married, buying houses, graduating from college, getting real jobs thousands of miles away, possibly going on missions....etc etc etc. And I felt okay about it. Sure I feel a little sad when I think about Tom leaving at the end of the summer to move to NY or thinking of another friend possibly going on a mission. But at the same time I feel so proud of them. And I am glad they are finding these amazing things in their lives and moving forward. And I'm glad we have had such great experiences together and that we have time to have a few more and even after we are all separated again we've proved the strength of our friendship and it will last. So the point is, the past was amazing, the future is scary, but right now is happening. Life is happening whether I believe it or not...I need to stop waiting for something to happen to mark the beginning of life and just make the most of each day. This is life so I'm going to live it.