For the past few weeks I have been feeling like I'm coming out of a haze that I have been lost in for a long time. As I shared some of the experiences leading up to this "escape" my lovely friend asked me what I was going to do to stay out of it. She asked what I could change to overcome the things that put me into the haze. I gave her a few answers but as I've thought about the question more and more I realized that I've already slipped back a little bit. I feel hopeful and ready for change so now is as good a time as any to figure it out, I'd say!
One thing that has been a great concern for me is that I feel like I'm never "in" the moment. I will be with friends or family, doing fun things and yet I'm not really there. My mind is somewhere else, usually thinking about when I can leave. Anxiety has paralyzed me for some time now and it is taking major training to not stay in that mindset. Even when I don't feel anxious I am thinking of how to leave, how to get out of something all together, or how to be invisible while I am there. I miss the desire to be with people and the ability to really connect with people. That is what makes me who I am, and that is why I feel so lost. I have met some great people in my ward. They are a group of girls who I, without a doubt, can see myself being close friends with and yet I hold back and really only care for them on a very surface level. It is so unlike me and it all has to do with avoiding "the moment".
If you want to know something about me that perhaps says a lot...or maybe very little, that something is that I.google.everything. Seriously. Everything. When I worked at PDC if anyone asked a question (about anything, not just work) I would tell them to google it and then, because I am insanely curious, I would google it too. Today I was thinking about living in the moment and I realized that I don't think I know how to anymore, so what did I do? I googled it. Yup, I typed "how to live in the moment" into google and much to my surprise I found an answer. A very thought out and organized answer on, believe it or not, wikiHow.com. Ready for this?
http://www.wikihow.com/Live-in-the-Moment
Check it out! As I read it the "how to's" seemed like they should be obvious but to me they were enlightening. I don't know what that says about me, nor do I want to. I just want to try to change my actions little by little.
I apologize if all this blog is anymore is a list of ways I am trying to figure things out but I really feel as though I have lost myself and that makes me sad. I want to find me again.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
It's been a year?!
Yeah, that's how I felt when I went back to read my first blog from this year. I can't believe I wrote that a year ago. I also can't believe how different my life is now and yet how similar...I have to say this has probably been the most eventful year of my life thus far. It has left me tired, overwhelmed, confused and really really grateful. I think it might take another year just to recover...
My year in review:
*In January, I decided to move back to Maryland.
*In March, I went to California for the first time since I was a wee little girl. While in California or driving back to UT I had a lot of firsts. Went to see my dad's grave for the first time, stayed in a $5/night hotel room in Primm, NV. Went to Vegas and walked the strip (and realized I hadn't been missing much...), oh and that was the longest roadtrip I had taken that I could remember. (I was too young to remember driving from CA to MD).
*In April I turned 26, I left my job of over 4 years, threw away or gave away most everything I had collected during my 8 years in Utah, packed up what was left, lived with Ben & Brenae for a few days, said goodbye to my family and the people that had become like family for me and drove across the country with Corinnie.
*In May I applied for over 50 jobs in MD and never even got an interview.
*By the end of May I had been offered a job in Utah that I never applied for and never even had to interview for and I decided to take it. I had 2 weeks to return to Utah. According to my Gran, I smiled for the first time in a month.
*June, I caravanned (is that a word?) across the country with my mom and Ames. One of the days I drove for 14 hours...that was a first.
*Also in June I started a new job and was officially homeless.
*Between June and July I lived with my sister, the Harlows, Ben & Brenae and then the Harlows again.
*In July, I bought a Queen size bed and felt very grown up about it.
*In July I also bought a plane ticket to Orlando to visit Rach.
*August I moved into my new apartment in Orem, and just like several people told me, it really is different than Provo and I rarely go to Provo. It's like another world.
*In August I bought a plane ticket on a Tuesday and flew home on a Wednesday to be with my entire family, who was all together for the first time in over 2 years.
*In October I went to Florida for the first time.
*In November I became an Auntie again!!
*And in December, I spent my first Christmas ever away from my mom. Until this year we've always been together on Christmas either in Utah or Maryland. It wasn't as awful as I thought but it also didn't feel like Christmas at all.
My only hope for 2010 (that I'm sharing in this very public place) is that I will somehow recover from everything that I experienced this year and that I will also remember that I know without a doubt that there is a purpose in all of it. It really wasn't a bad year it was just a very full year that left me feeling like I can do pretty much anything...oh I hope that I didn't just jinx myself by saying that.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2010 is filled with growth and happiness for each of you!
My year in review:
*In January, I decided to move back to Maryland.
*In March, I went to California for the first time since I was a wee little girl. While in California or driving back to UT I had a lot of firsts. Went to see my dad's grave for the first time, stayed in a $5/night hotel room in Primm, NV. Went to Vegas and walked the strip (and realized I hadn't been missing much...), oh and that was the longest roadtrip I had taken that I could remember. (I was too young to remember driving from CA to MD).
*In April I turned 26, I left my job of over 4 years, threw away or gave away most everything I had collected during my 8 years in Utah, packed up what was left, lived with Ben & Brenae for a few days, said goodbye to my family and the people that had become like family for me and drove across the country with Corinnie.
*In May I applied for over 50 jobs in MD and never even got an interview.
*By the end of May I had been offered a job in Utah that I never applied for and never even had to interview for and I decided to take it. I had 2 weeks to return to Utah. According to my Gran, I smiled for the first time in a month.
*June, I caravanned (is that a word?) across the country with my mom and Ames. One of the days I drove for 14 hours...that was a first.
*Also in June I started a new job and was officially homeless.
*Between June and July I lived with my sister, the Harlows, Ben & Brenae and then the Harlows again.
*In July, I bought a Queen size bed and felt very grown up about it.
*In July I also bought a plane ticket to Orlando to visit Rach.
*August I moved into my new apartment in Orem, and just like several people told me, it really is different than Provo and I rarely go to Provo. It's like another world.
*In August I bought a plane ticket on a Tuesday and flew home on a Wednesday to be with my entire family, who was all together for the first time in over 2 years.
*In October I went to Florida for the first time.
*In November I became an Auntie again!!
*And in December, I spent my first Christmas ever away from my mom. Until this year we've always been together on Christmas either in Utah or Maryland. It wasn't as awful as I thought but it also didn't feel like Christmas at all.
My only hope for 2010 (that I'm sharing in this very public place) is that I will somehow recover from everything that I experienced this year and that I will also remember that I know without a doubt that there is a purpose in all of it. It really wasn't a bad year it was just a very full year that left me feeling like I can do pretty much anything...oh I hope that I didn't just jinx myself by saying that.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2010 is filled with growth and happiness for each of you!
Monday, December 07, 2009
Ask and ye shall receive...
It's no real secret that I have felt quite distant from almost everything and everyone lately. I have been going through one of those phases where I just don't feel anything. Now and then I have felt a good strong connection with people but mostly there was nothing. I'm working on things and feeling better about life but still haven't completely figured out the whole feeling thing.
In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.
After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)
I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.
After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)
When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!
In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.
After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)
I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.
After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)
When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
"I'm grateful for Macaroni and Cheese."
I have so much to be grateful for. I have a great family and amazing friends. I am a member of a church that makes me feel full and whole. I have a Savior who knows what I'm feeling and a Father in Heaven who knows me completely and loves me and shows me that by giving me so much. It has become so easy for me to forget all of the good things in my life as I have spent much of my time dwelling on the negative things. It is unlike me and has left me feeling like a different person. I'm aware of it though and I'm working on it. I was told recently that I've been running on empty. I gave everything that I had and hadn't been filled up in return. I learned that I was looking for that feeling of fullness in the wrong places. I was reminded that, although I have little energy to put into doing things for others, it needs to happen because for me helping people makes me happy. People in general make me happy and my avoidance of people has made me very very unhappy. And so I have embraced the mindset of "If it seems too hard, do it because it will only get harder if you don't".
I love this video you should watch it. What are you grateful for?
I'm grateful...
*to be an auntie because when nothing in this world can make me happy those two little people fill my heart with joy, simply by existing.
*for a family that loves me even if I don't deserve it.
*for a friendship that makes me feel whole and connected and accepted in moments when I can barely feel anything at all.
*for rekindled friendships and long lasting friendships.
*my new little "group" of friends at church and also for visiting teaching because if it weren't for that I'm pretty sure these friendships wouldn't have happened.
*when I walk outside early in the morning and all I can hear is the sound of cars on the freeway.
*for rice, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread, and FlipSides crackers (brilliant invention).
*that my roommate leaves her hairdryer out everyday. I feel it gives me permission to use it and that makes me happy because mine sucks.
*covergirl foundation.
*the words of prophets.
*jeans.
*difficult times in life that make me a stronger, better and more empathetic person.
*that I was raised with SO much love in my life. It taught me not to hold back when I love people.
*Gilmore Girls episodes that bring me comfort and familiarity when all I need is 45 minutes of nothingness.
There is much more but those are a few things. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas (I'll cover that now in case my lack of desire to blog continues.)
I love this video you should watch it. What are you grateful for?
I'm grateful...
*to be an auntie because when nothing in this world can make me happy those two little people fill my heart with joy, simply by existing.
*for a family that loves me even if I don't deserve it.
*for a friendship that makes me feel whole and connected and accepted in moments when I can barely feel anything at all.
*for rekindled friendships and long lasting friendships.
*my new little "group" of friends at church and also for visiting teaching because if it weren't for that I'm pretty sure these friendships wouldn't have happened.
*when I walk outside early in the morning and all I can hear is the sound of cars on the freeway.
*for rice, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread, and FlipSides crackers (brilliant invention).
*that my roommate leaves her hairdryer out everyday. I feel it gives me permission to use it and that makes me happy because mine sucks.
*covergirl foundation.
*the words of prophets.
*jeans.
*difficult times in life that make me a stronger, better and more empathetic person.
*that I was raised with SO much love in my life. It taught me not to hold back when I love people.
*Gilmore Girls episodes that bring me comfort and familiarity when all I need is 45 minutes of nothingness.
There is much more but those are a few things. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas (I'll cover that now in case my lack of desire to blog continues.)
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Baby Shower!
Okay, this post is mostly for Carrie! Pictures from Lora's baby shower! Keep in mind that I ran out of time so there weren't any ballons or many decorations in the living room...but it worked. :)
It was a lot of fun and great to be with some wonderful friends celebrating our dear friend Lora! Enjoy!
The decorations & food
And the people!
It was a lot of fun and great to be with some wonderful friends celebrating our dear friend Lora! Enjoy!
The decorations & food
And the people!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Pity Party, Table for one.
I just had a pity party. An all out, feel sorry for myself, lay on my bed and cry while listening to a playlist full of sad songs, pity party. I even posted a facebook status that gave my 385 friends too much information about my emotional state (and then quickly deleted it). And sometimes I think that's okay. I had a hard week. I'm tired all the time, whether I get enough sleep or not. I spend almost every minute that I'm not at work alone and after awhile that gets to a person. I spent yesterday eating toast and sleeping because I felt sick.
I keep a smile on my face most of the time but sometimes everything falls apart and luckily when that happened for me I was in a position that I could stop everything and feel sorry for myself.
It's okay to break down sometimes. It's okay to cry and throw a little pity party once in awhile, just as long as you get back up and return to normal life when you're done.
Now, please excuse me, I'm going to go back to normal life now.
Image: Carolita Johnson
Saturday, September 05, 2009
I have this friend...
Her name is Joan and she is incredibly talented. She's one of my dear EFY friends that I talked about in my last blog. She is one of my favorite people and I hope that someday this crazy life will give us the chance to live close by each other. (If you keep offering to let me live in your basement/spare room etc I might just show up someday...be careful. ;)
So back to Joan being incredibly talented. I have some buttons on the side of my blog that I wanted to bring to your attention. The first one is BitsyCreations. That is Joans business. She can pretty much do anything where creativity is concerned. Check it out! If I ever figure out how to block out the address and names on Lora's baby shower announcement I will post it here for you all to see. We told her what Lora wanted and in no time at all we had an email with the perfect invitation. Really, check it out. She does graphic design (need a new blog header?), Christmas cards (order them early so her life doesn't get insane!), baby announcements, wedding annoucements, birthday invitations...and the list goes on. www.bitsycreations.com
She is also doing a new blog with a friend called Gifted Giveaways. There is a button on the right for that too. You should check it out and become a follower! You can win stuff from really talented people!
I've always thought Joan was amazing but after working with her and seeing the invitations and baby announcement that she designed for Lora I realized I really needed to tell you guys about her and make you aware of the buttons. (Because if you're like me, you always ignore them...comes with ignoring advertisements on facebook I think.)
I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I need to go get to work on cleaning before the shower!
So back to Joan being incredibly talented. I have some buttons on the side of my blog that I wanted to bring to your attention. The first one is BitsyCreations. That is Joans business. She can pretty much do anything where creativity is concerned. Check it out! If I ever figure out how to block out the address and names on Lora's baby shower announcement I will post it here for you all to see. We told her what Lora wanted and in no time at all we had an email with the perfect invitation. Really, check it out. She does graphic design (need a new blog header?), Christmas cards (order them early so her life doesn't get insane!), baby announcements, wedding annoucements, birthday invitations...and the list goes on. www.bitsycreations.com
She is also doing a new blog with a friend called Gifted Giveaways. There is a button on the right for that too. You should check it out and become a follower! You can win stuff from really talented people!
I've always thought Joan was amazing but after working with her and seeing the invitations and baby announcement that she designed for Lora I realized I really needed to tell you guys about her and make you aware of the buttons. (Because if you're like me, you always ignore them...comes with ignoring advertisements on facebook I think.)
I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I need to go get to work on cleaning before the shower!
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