One blog will not be enough.

I went to Boston. That's right, it happened. Even better, it was everything I hoped for and I never want to go back to Utah. Okay, I sure would miss some amazing people if I never went back to Utah but as of right now, I never want to go back to Utah. Monday is coming too quickly. I'm in Maryland right now visiting my family which is proving to be as wonderful as I hoped as well.

I won't go into the details of my trip today but I will say that I feel so blessed. Although we got lost often we had absolutely no problems (except when I sat in wet paint in my favorite clothes...there was no sign on the bench) and Corinnie and I had a great time catching up and picking up right where we left off as roommates 5 years ago. She is one of my favorite people and I love that we got to travel together. I'll say it now, traveling with an old roommate or a roommate is probably the best choice a person could make (except maybe a spouse of course). We know each others quirks, know when to leave things alone and know that when we're lost for two hours and we both stop talking it's not because we're mad at each other but insanely frustrated by the situation. I saw everything I wanted to see, did everything I wanted to do and fell crazy in love with the city of Boston. Just like I thought I would. Someday when I'm insanely rich I will live in Beacon Hill, or Bunker Hill I'm not picky. I'll post a few pictures (I took almost 300...) in this blog and in the blogs to come there will be many more.

Also, thanks to all of you wonderful people that responded to my "Curious" blog. It's nice to know that people read my babble so I think I'll keep on keepin' on. Onto the pictures!

The only way I know to describe my favorite parts of Boston is "quaint"
Bunker Hill monument. The sky is my favorite part. Rin and I with our dumb faces at Hahvahd (Harvard for you non Bostonians)

Necco Wafers!! Did you know those are made in Boston? One of my new favorite places, Botanical Gardens across the street from Boston Common.

I need to be someone I'm not.

For as long as I can remember I have put everything I have into my relationships. I have always thought this was a good thing, a positive attribute. In some ways I am still all for it and don't completely plan to change but I need to get to a place where I don't feel like I'm giving so much that it hurts when I don't get a lot in return. I know it's not because I'm unimportant to these people. I took the Love Language quiz and found that my love language is quality time. This definitely did not surprise me but knowing that it actually means something explained a lot about my behavior and about why sometimes I don't feel like I matter to people as much as they matter to me. My love language is quality time so I will drive far and wide as often as necessary to be with people that are important to me, even for something little or unimportant. That explains why it hurts when others aren't willing to do the same for me. So, here is the challenge. I need to step back and decide if certain things are worth it. I've had an inner battle for years about whether or not it's good to be so sensitive. I've tried to stop being so sensitive (and as a result stopped feeling all together, I'd rather be sensitive.) and have now chosen to allow myself to be what comes naturally to me in that aspect of life, which is to be sensitive. While I think it's a blessing to be a sensitive person, it also causes heartache, often unnecessary. So I'm not trying to be less sensitive I want to try to choose when it's really worth putting a lot into people or things. There are certain friends that I call because I know if I don't we will just lose touch. But really, is that worth it? Shouldn't I do my best and then leave it up to them? You can only call a person so many times before you start to wonder if they don't call you for a reason. Do I need to drive to the "big" city 3 times a week in order to keep a good friendship with someone there? No, I really don't. Often I want to because I have a lot of fun when I do go but it's not worth it if i'm going to be upset when that friend isn't willing to do the same. In both cases it doesn't mean they don't care about me. It just means we show/feel love in different ways. This is such a mix of thoughts but it's out there. I really needed to vent. :)

Now, on a happier note, I have awesome friends. Yes, we all know that already but I had a blast last night with some of my super happy & super cool friends Brian & Daniel. We helped a friend move and at the end had a photo shoot. Here are a few of my favorites.

Daniel, such a strong guy!









See that big bookshelf? Yeah they moved it all by themselves. So tough! :)


We thugz














Posers!

Angels

Yeah, I believe in them. I'm surrounded by them right here in this amazing life I am living. This past week I have had a lot of opportunity to be reminded of it. It started last Saturday at Erika's wedding. One of my dear sweet roommates got married and my heart really was overflowing with joy for her. I have never seen Erika look more beautiful and it's because of the joy she was feeling in beginning her very own eternal family. It's a beautiful journey and she was prepared for it! I had a lot of opportunity to think about the experiences we have shared and what a blessing she has been to me and I was really overwhelmed by it. At the luncheon everyone was asked to introduce themselves and most people shared a little story about Erika or Mike after they introduced themselves. By the time it got to me I was so close to tears, thinking about all Erika has done for me and hearing the wonderful stories others told about her and about her husband, that all I said was "Erika & Lori were my roommates and we had a lot of fun together." Ugh! That doesn't even begin to explain this connection I have with them!! I know Erika and I know Erika knows me so I feel peace knowing that she knows what I really meant, but at the same time I realized I haven't really expressed to her all that she has done for me. I find that I am less likely to tell people I am extremely close to, like family and people that are like my family, how much they have done for me. I usually assume they know and I don't know that that is the best attitude to approach things like that with. Erika has taught me so much. She has been a huge strength to me in some really really difficult times and I ALWAYS knew I could count on her. I still know I can. The last few years we haven't talked as often but I don't feel like that has changed a single thing. She's still like a sister to me and I hold that very close to my heart. Erika stayed up late into the night with me when I had a very high fever and put a new cold/wet washcloth on my forehead what seemed like every 5 minutes. When you are far from home and so sick and so scared, having people in your life that are willing to do such silly little things for you is such a blessing. That is just one example but is one that shows, in a nutshell, the kind of person Erika is. Thank you for being my friend Erika and for lifting me up, teaching me and helping me to become a better person!

This week I also had the opportunity to spend time with a few of the other girls from my life at Raintree. Those girls are always going to be in my life. I know that for a fact. They truly are like sisters to me and bring me such peace and such joy when I am with them or talking to them. Rach is moving away and so we had one last get together before she left and it was exactly what I needed. We have such an incredible connection and I'm always blown away at the fact that no matter how much changes we can come together and lift each other up and leave feeling stronger. That's how I felt on Wednesday after talking with those wonderful girls for a few hours. We were sad that Lori and Erika couldn't be there but they were there in our hearts for sure. To you beautiful girls, thank you for teaching me, loving me and helping me in my journey to figure out who "Beth" is.

I'm going to miss Rach so much. I always love being with her and knowing I can be completely me with her. Thank goodness for Facebook ;) Oh, and phones too. And airplanes.

Rach took me to a wonderfully peaceful & beautiful place that she likes to go to when she wants to think or just be away from the world and I look forward to using that place as a new place of refuge. Rach understands my heart and understands the need to get away. She gets me and I'm so blessed to have a "soul sister" like her. So my wonderful friends, I love you! Thank you for being in my life, I know these are friendships that will never fade.

This post is probably a little cheesy to most of you but, it's something that has been on my mind a lot this week and I feel it's important to put into print. I'm truly blessed and what good are such blessings if we don't show gratitude for them?

A random smattering. I love the word "smattering"

I love the moments when I am reminded that I am not all alone in this life. My prayers don't go off into space somewhere and float around until luck comes around and my prayer is fulfilled or luck doesn't come around and it isn't. Days like today remind me of that. I'm not even really sure why I felt like this today but all day today I just felt a little bit sad inside. I can't even think of a reason I just felt a little sad and all day I had this almost physical ache for a hug. I've never felt this before so maybe I'm weird and the physical ache was in actuality just my muscles hurting from the intense weight lifting I did yesterday but I kind of think those pains were seperate. Anyway, I didn't really give much thought to it because although I am a very huggy person I haven't had a lot of hugging in my life the last few years and it's something I am used to. I still have certain friends that I am still really huggy with but they are usually the ones I don't see very often (like my Bmore girls.) So I just kind of figured this feeling would pass and all would be well but those feelings did not go unnoticed. Tonight we had a Relief Society Celebration dinner and out of the blue while our Bishop was speaking my friend leaned over and hugged me. At first I was uncomfortable, to no fault of hers, just because as I said hugging has been less common in my life of late. But then I had this spark in my mind that said "You needed a hug, there it was." And I felt better. It was a little thing but something I needed. Anyway, that was just a random thought I wanted to share.

Nate is getting married. I have come to terms with the fact that our friendship will never be the same and although I am sad I am also happy for him. Really happy for him. He is so happy and that really is what I want for my friends. Nate and I have been through a lot together. He took me to my Senior Prom and treated me like a princess while I treated him like a toad and then proceeded to ignore him for 3 months. We shared in the BSE (Best Summer Ever) last summer and the presence of Nate, along with Tom and Heather helped me to figure life out a little more and helped me to figure out the things that I needed to change. He is always a huge support to me and in some situations when something upset me I just wanted to talk to Nate. He is like a big brother and he will listen and give thoughts here and there if appropriate. So, for years I have joked with Nate that I wanted to be his Best Man when he gets married. This joke increased after I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory is her grandfathers best man and she walks into the room dressed in a tuxedo and says "Best man in the house!" Yeah that pretty much wrapped it up for me, I have to be a best man...minus the tuxedo though. When Nate called the other night I jokingly mentioned that I want to be his Best Man and he said okay. haha!! He also said he was going to ask Tom and probably Chris also. I then told him I was going to plan the best bachelor party ever. Ah being a best man is so cool! Anyway, he is getting married in Minnesota which initially made me think that I just wouldn't be able to be there but then I remembered that this year I want to get out there and leave my comfort zone and have new experiences. For most people going to Minneapolis for a wedding isn't a big deal but for me, it's huge. First of all I'll be flying there alone which I have done before but I was always going somewhere that I was familiar with or I was going to be met by someone I knew. The plan is that I will meet Tom (and hopefully Chris and Jenn...) in Minnesota and then we'll hang out and do the wedding stuff then explore for a day after the wedding then I'll fly home. This trip is going to be a new experience for me on many levels. One being that it will be my first time going on an adventure like this one without a family member, with a group of friends in a place we aren't familiar with and because I will (99% sure) be able to attend the temple marriage of one of my friends which is something I have not had the chance to do up to this point. All these new things! Wow! So maybe Minnesota isn't exotic or that far away, and maybe meeting a bunch of friends there and going for a wedding isn't the most adventurous of trips but for me it's huge. I'm not letting fear rule me on this one. Fear of the unknown or any other fear that I will come up with i'm sure. Nate is important to me and being there for his wedding is very important to me. And plus, being able to meet half way (ish) between New York and Utah to hang out with one of my closest friends also doesn't sound like such a bad deal. It would be so amazing if Jenn and Chris came too. Pretty much it would be perfect...I might even forget that we're there for Nate's wedding. ;-) I'm sure more updates will come about this because for a girl like me, this is HUGE. Yay!

So good & holding on.

I mock people for saying "so good" in response to a number of different questions. "How are you?" "So good." "How was the movie?" "So good!" "How do I look?" "So good!" etc...there are many different situations and most of the time it's because of the way it was said but I officially am not allowed to mock anymore...because I said it. And meant it. Don't worry after I said it I thought in my head "soo good, soooooo good...so good." As I always say in response to someone saying "so good." But I said it. My Rach asked me how my day was and I said "so good" It was just a normal day got up early went to work etc. But I felt happy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but I was happy and I thought that was worth sharing. It's still new to me, this constant feeling of peace even when things aren't all that peaceful around me so I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's real I guess. Anyway, enough of the so good talk.

Today was a fantastic day. I think everyone has a person or a few people that they feel they can be themselves around no matter what. I know I do and I was reminded of that today because I spent time with a large number of those people today. Crackers birthday was yesterday so for her birthday celebration a bunch of the girls from the good old days went to Ihop for breakfast. There were only a few of us but it was so fun. I loved sitting back and watching everyone interact and I loved seeing how comfortable we are with each other. We just fit. When we were leaving I think we all felt a little sad for it to end. It's not often that you are with a group of people that you can just sit back and breathe with. Or you can just watch or listen and still feel involved. So as we stood in the lobby of Ihop and hugged and said our goodbyes we all agreed to do it again and I really hope we will. I have kept in touch with all of them individually but all of us being together at once is rare but wonderful. Each of those girls has really been a huge part of my life and making me who I am and I think I will always hold onto them.

After the wonderful breakfast I went to meet Heatherfer and her boyfriend so we could go to the salty city to see our friend Tom. He's visiting for the weekend and we were able to spend a bit of time together. We have been friends since teenagehood and after spending so much time together this past summer we are all really close and comfortable with each other. We went bowling and I totally kicked trash. I rarely break 40 when I bowl but I got a 92 today. Now that's impressive...gosh I'm amazing. :) It was really fun to be together and to again just feel so comfortable. I think we (or at least I) am constantly assessing situations and pondering how it is different from the last time I was with those people or in that situation and I found myself doing that again today. By the end of last summer I felt pretty comfortable I had gotten past the thoughts of "oh they are just spending time with me because we grew up together and they have to" and the feelings of inadequacy and had moved on to comfort but today I felt like me. I felt like Beth and well, as I have said four thousand times before that is different. It's little times like this that I hold onto as a little bit of hope for myself. I see myself growing and changing and I see that it is good. I came home tonight feeling fulfilled. Nothing spectacular happened today but I am learning that not everyday or moment or even every year needs to be spectacular. It's all just a part of making me me. Whatev, that all makes sense in my head and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this here psycho babble so I'm not going to try to fix it. A few pictures from my day:


The girls















Bowling For Life & Pins (our bowling names for the day)