Trash kicked...

Yeah, life is kicking my trash lately. I've felt especially confused about me and about my life. I've been missing some of my friends more often then usual. My emotions are in a million different places. I got a flat tire yesterday and I definitely cried for at least half an hour before I had the guts to call and ask someone for help. I hate when things happen to my car because that is when I feel the most incapable. I have no idea how to do anything with my car and I hate HATE hate asking for car help because I feel like I have had to so often and people have got to be annoyed by now. I know I am. So as I sat in the Big O parking lot staring longingly wishing that the doors would suddenly unlock and people would be working, I thought about who I could call that wouldn't come across as annoyed or that I wouldn't feel HORRIBLE putting them out. After attempting to call my home teachers and being unable to press send after dialing their numbers I thought of Nate. I haven't seen Nate in awhile. He got married this summer and things change but I felt like I really could call Nate. And, as Nate's actions often remind me, some things never change. He came willingly and then thanked me for asking him for help. Not only did I get my tire fixed but I got to see and got a hug from one of my very best friends. I have missed my summer pals so much lately. Last summer, with their help...really just with their presence in my life, I was able to figure out a lot of stuff and understand so much of what I had been feeling for years and I think I want that again. I just want to sit around with them and feel like me again. I want to just be with the three of them. Tom is on the East Coast, Heather is in the South and Nate is close but married so we can't really hang out and I really miss it. That said, I am so grateful that Nate came to my rescue, yet again. I have always been able to count on him and always feel loved when he comes to rescue me. He is the closest thing to a big brother I have experienced and I am so blessed to have him.

The lives of many of the people I am still close to are changing drastically and I can't help but see that I'm still doing the same old stuff. I feel frozen in place and the frustration of not being able to escape is overwhelming me. I don't know how to escape. I want to quit my job and run away but there is always something holding me back. Pretty sure it all goes back to fear but I haven't been able to figure out how to get away from that yet. These thoughts are coming out like word vomit and nothing more. They're all things I can't bring myself to say out loud so here it is floating around the blog world.

Enough

Lately I have been feeling like I am not "enough". It's hard to be enough when you don't know how much "enough" is though. I've been feeling lately like no matter how much effort I put into something it ends up to be not enough. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't "enough". I'm not funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I'm just another thing that can be taken off of peoples ever overflowing "plates". What is this phrase "I have too much on my plate." I guess I can understand it but gosh it isn't the best feeling when people tell you that. Yeah, I haven't seen you in 2 months...but I have too much on my plate. Just another thing on their plate. And immediately it makes me feel like I must not be important enough to fit onto their plate. I don't ask a lot. A quick bite to eat, a trip to the temple, 15 minutes to just catch up. I just miss my friends. Sure I miss how once upon a time every night I had something to do but I don't really need that anymore. I'm okay with not having plans everyday. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am lonely and want to be with someone who loves me or that I just miss my friend and want to spend a few minutes with them. And it doesn't change the fact that repeated rejection hurts no matter who you are. Just needed to get that off my mind.

Poor Ruby

Picture this. I am sitting in line at Costco waiting to get gas. It's a Saturday morning so of course the lines are long but nothing like they usually are. I am talking to my friend about her baby shower that afternoon when I look up to see a big white truck backing up. Surely they see me, I think two seconds before they back right into me. As it is happening all I can think to do is say out loud "oh my gosh, someone is...someone just backed into my car." My dear pregnant friend, always thinking always cool headed replies with "Hang up the phone! Turn off your car!" I say bye and do both. I have never been in an accident before and this one was so weird. I wasn't even moving. My car hardly even moved. The guys bumper just went over top of my bumper and crunched my hood. Just like that, split second and poor Ruby is in line to get a face lift. We called the police, exchanged all of the important information and then went merrily on our way. Without the merrily part. From that point until today I have been all out grumpy pants and I can't shake it! My car is now at the shop awaiting her new face lift. She was said to be unsafe to drive because the hood might fly open, which I was grateful for because now I can have a rental car instead of finding rides or worrying about the hood on my car flying open as I drive down the street. My.rental.is.hot. It's definitely a Taurus. What a laugh! I thought I was done with those cars. I thought renting a car meant you get some fancy schmancy car with a sun roof, especially when you aren't the one paying for it. Apparently this here Taurus is an upgrade because the approved car from the other guys insurance wasn't available. Woo! Upgrade! Really though, I'm grateful for a vehicle and it kind of drives nice. I went for a long, somewhat pointless drive today and I sang at the top of my lungs. It was probably the lightest this weight on my shoulders has felt in awhile. I needed some alone time I guess.

My sister said something awhile ago that has been on my mind ever since. We were talking about her current waves of moods because of pregnancy and how she is so grateful for her husband because he is so patient with her. At one point in the conversation she said something along the lines of "It's nice to have someone that has to listen to what you say and that has to care." And I think somewhere in the conversation we discussed that not only does he have to but he wants to. It made me want that. And the last few days, I really wanted it. I had to deal with all of the crappy insurance stuff and make a lot of phone calls that made me uncomfortable and on top of that I had to deal with one of the most stressful weeks at work I have ever had and all I wanted was to come home to someone that would really hear what I said. Someone that really cared about what I was feeling and someone that could make all those dang insurance phone calls for me. I'm not picky, I would take a mom or an eternal marriage :). I didn't have either of those but there is someone. Someone that is always there, and He may not be able to make my phone calls for me but He'll hear what I am saying. And that brings me peace and strength to keep going. What more could a girl ask for. Okay, so maybe a hug. Yeah...a hug.

Here is poor Ruby.




And a cute pregnant Crackers.

Random

So it has been awhile. So much has been going on lately that I don't really feel like updating but I will say that I love summer. The weather isn't my favorite but I am even getting to the point where I don't even mind that. But my favorite part of summer is that for some reason it brings people together. Maybe because it's BBQ season or because people are less busy with school and such, but whatever the reason, I love it. Since the summer started I have seen my old Raintree pals several times which I always love. I'm curious what it will be like in 10 years if we are still in touch. I bet we'll sit around and tell the same stories we tell now. We have a few favorites that are told over and over but then every now and then little gems...memory gems if you will, come and it's beautiful. I loved sitting in Jays backyard last weekend at the annual birthday bash. It felt comfortable and right. I have also seen a lot of my Baltimore girls recently which is something I can never get enough of. We had a girls night last night and it was everything I needed. I have felt a little off this week, nothing is really wrong I just don't feel like me, but last night I felt SO me. We ate at Applebees, watched and cried over an episode of Oprah and then looked at scrapbooks from the old days when life was easy. (*sigh*) We decided we were just going to rewind and go back to that time. I think we should. I know for a fact that even though our lives are changing and Heatherfer is taking a big step away and getting married and moving to Texas we will all stay close. Years from now we'll get together and our kids will be best friends (they have no choice...) and they'll call all of my friends Aunt so and so and they won't realize until they are 12 that those women actually aren't their aunts (thats how it happened for me). I'm sad to see Heather go but I am so happy for the things that are happening in her life, and I am even happier because as much as I hate change I am handling it quite well, which in the past usually meant I was in denial but whatev, bring it on! Enough of that babble. :)

Recently I made the decision that if I get a small thought or feeling that I should do something, and it is a good something I am going to do it. I have thought about this in the past but always chickened out in the end because calling someone out of the blue just because you thought of them can sometimes be awkward, but it can also be a good thing. I thought of the many times a friend has called or texted or emailed me and said exactly what I needed to hear, or even just the fact that they called was what I needed and so I'm going to try it. I've had a few failed attempts this week but it's kind of fun, and it is a good way to get out of my shell and talk to people I usually wouldn't or contact old friends that I don't talk to as often as I should. It'll be a fun experiment I think.

One last thing, I experienced a tender mercy today. I hesitate to use that phrase because I feel like it has been somewhat...hmmm, can I say this without sounding horrible. I'm just going to say it, I think it has been overused in the last few years. I think tender mercies are amazing things, but until I heard Elder Bednars talk I hadn't really thought about using that phrase to explain things (yes I know it is in the scriptures and maybe I have heard it but, you get what I'm saying.) Anyway, I don't use that phrase often but a cute little thing happened today that I would consider a tender mercy and since I'm trying to be a more grateful person here it is! As I said before, I have been kind of off this week. I'm trying to figure out why but still not sure. Today at work I was feeling especially weird and I had just expressed this to my co-worker. As I was saying it I opened my fantastic 100 calorie pack and pulled out a cookie, which happened to be two cookies stuck together in the shape of a heart. I held it up and my co-worker said "Oh look! You are loved!" That ridiculous little cookie made.my.day. I took a picture of it and set it as the wallpaper on my cell phone. Silly little things like that seem pretty meaningless but today it made me smile and that is all I needed. And so you can all smile with me, here is the picture! Have a fabulous day!

Reunion

I'm going to keep this one short because for once in my life I'm not going to try to explain something to death. I'm just going to say what Lori said tonight as we walked into the Mansfields house and I'm going to post pictures. Done and Done.

"It feels like coming home."

A random smattering. I love the word "smattering"

I love the moments when I am reminded that I am not all alone in this life. My prayers don't go off into space somewhere and float around until luck comes around and my prayer is fulfilled or luck doesn't come around and it isn't. Days like today remind me of that. I'm not even really sure why I felt like this today but all day today I just felt a little bit sad inside. I can't even think of a reason I just felt a little sad and all day I had this almost physical ache for a hug. I've never felt this before so maybe I'm weird and the physical ache was in actuality just my muscles hurting from the intense weight lifting I did yesterday but I kind of think those pains were seperate. Anyway, I didn't really give much thought to it because although I am a very huggy person I haven't had a lot of hugging in my life the last few years and it's something I am used to. I still have certain friends that I am still really huggy with but they are usually the ones I don't see very often (like my Bmore girls.) So I just kind of figured this feeling would pass and all would be well but those feelings did not go unnoticed. Tonight we had a Relief Society Celebration dinner and out of the blue while our Bishop was speaking my friend leaned over and hugged me. At first I was uncomfortable, to no fault of hers, just because as I said hugging has been less common in my life of late. But then I had this spark in my mind that said "You needed a hug, there it was." And I felt better. It was a little thing but something I needed. Anyway, that was just a random thought I wanted to share.

Nate is getting married. I have come to terms with the fact that our friendship will never be the same and although I am sad I am also happy for him. Really happy for him. He is so happy and that really is what I want for my friends. Nate and I have been through a lot together. He took me to my Senior Prom and treated me like a princess while I treated him like a toad and then proceeded to ignore him for 3 months. We shared in the BSE (Best Summer Ever) last summer and the presence of Nate, along with Tom and Heather helped me to figure life out a little more and helped me to figure out the things that I needed to change. He is always a huge support to me and in some situations when something upset me I just wanted to talk to Nate. He is like a big brother and he will listen and give thoughts here and there if appropriate. So, for years I have joked with Nate that I wanted to be his Best Man when he gets married. This joke increased after I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory is her grandfathers best man and she walks into the room dressed in a tuxedo and says "Best man in the house!" Yeah that pretty much wrapped it up for me, I have to be a best man...minus the tuxedo though. When Nate called the other night I jokingly mentioned that I want to be his Best Man and he said okay. haha!! He also said he was going to ask Tom and probably Chris also. I then told him I was going to plan the best bachelor party ever. Ah being a best man is so cool! Anyway, he is getting married in Minnesota which initially made me think that I just wouldn't be able to be there but then I remembered that this year I want to get out there and leave my comfort zone and have new experiences. For most people going to Minneapolis for a wedding isn't a big deal but for me, it's huge. First of all I'll be flying there alone which I have done before but I was always going somewhere that I was familiar with or I was going to be met by someone I knew. The plan is that I will meet Tom (and hopefully Chris and Jenn...) in Minnesota and then we'll hang out and do the wedding stuff then explore for a day after the wedding then I'll fly home. This trip is going to be a new experience for me on many levels. One being that it will be my first time going on an adventure like this one without a family member, with a group of friends in a place we aren't familiar with and because I will (99% sure) be able to attend the temple marriage of one of my friends which is something I have not had the chance to do up to this point. All these new things! Wow! So maybe Minnesota isn't exotic or that far away, and maybe meeting a bunch of friends there and going for a wedding isn't the most adventurous of trips but for me it's huge. I'm not letting fear rule me on this one. Fear of the unknown or any other fear that I will come up with i'm sure. Nate is important to me and being there for his wedding is very important to me. And plus, being able to meet half way (ish) between New York and Utah to hang out with one of my closest friends also doesn't sound like such a bad deal. It would be so amazing if Jenn and Chris came too. Pretty much it would be perfect...I might even forget that we're there for Nate's wedding. ;-) I'm sure more updates will come about this because for a girl like me, this is HUGE. Yay!

Fresh air smells like cow.

I got AWAY this weekend. It was so nice. Chris, Allison and I ran away to Logan this weekend. It was fantastic and I desperately needed it. Chris and Al are the two people I feel the closest to right now and are two people that I feel like I can really be myself around and I needed that this weekend. I had kind of a rough week. In my life (and many others) it is a proven fact that when you are trying to do something good with your life things come your way that are attempts to hold you back. It's when you push through and come out on top that you learn and grow. I should know, I usually don't push through. :) I did this time, don't worry. I'm pretty sure every inadequacy I have came to the surface in my mind this week and it was rough. I spent a lot of time in my room reading The Holy Temple (I needed to finish it by tomorrow and I did! yay!) which gave me less time around people which in turn gave me more time to think. Don't think people. Seriously. Anyway, the point is I needed to get away and we did. We stayed in a motel that we lovingly called "grandma's motel" or something along those lines. It had a duck border...and pictures of ducks (and geese...duck duck duck duck...geese!! heh...I'm HILARIOUS) And the bathroom...wow the bathroom had pink tile and lots of it. The beds were hard as rocks but I ended up sleeping really well anyway. I woke up early to read some more and when I opened the bathroom window after my shower I got a big whiff of "fresh air" if you're Chris...or cow if you're me. I'm never living in a place where the smell of fresh air is in actuality fresh air that smells like cow. I prefer smoggy polluted city air. Just don't take a deep breath when a bus drives by and you'll most likely on some occasions be just fine. :) Now THAT is fresh air. Anyway we didn't do anything exceptional. We did go shopping and dear sweet Chris didn't even hate us for it. We watched a fantastic movie on the Disney channel about double dutch. I love movies like that! And pretty much that was the extent of our time in Logan. But we were away from home and we were together which I'm pretty sure was the point. I had a really great time. This afternoon after we said goodbye to Chris, Allison and I went to see Darcie, my old Mia Maids advisor. Ever since I met Darcie she has been one of those people I just fit with. If I remember correctly we were instantly friends and have stayed that way ever since. We figured out today that I am the age she was when she was my Mia Maids advisor. She had 3 kids...but we won't talk about how I'm behind in that aspect. :) We were able to spend about 2 and a half hours together and I just loved it. I adore her entire family. The kids are so good and I love them so much. They're like my family. I've always wanted to be like Darcie but after today that just increased even more. She is incredibly in tune. She has always known when something was up in my life and when I would hold back. She always knows the exact questions to ask to get you to spill everything (so I usually just end up spilling everything before she asks the questions) and she always has wise advice. Not to mention she is hilarious. I talked to her about the big step I'm about to take and she knew exactly what to say for me. She was so supportive and without saying much she said a ton and I had this feeling of peace when I left that I have been searching for all week. I just love how well she knows me and that she has known me for so long and that we can still be so close. I want to be just like her.

Tonight I went to Kiely's concert and listened to the Singers do their very own special rendition of some Beatles songs. It was fantastic. Afterwards we all went to Ihop because..hi..where else do you go on a Saturday night at 10. While we were at Ihop one of my friends called me a doormat. I will be honest, it hurt. That's something I have worked really hard on especially after another friend told me the same thing a few years ago. After my initial hurt and annoyance at the insensitivity of the statement I got over it because I realized that I know that I'm not. There is a huge difference between being a nice person and being walked all over and I am going for being a nice person. I have a long way to go before I am the person I want to be but at least I know that I am making progress. And I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think and so I'm done with it. It's over.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Not only am I meeting with my bishop again (which is the huge part) BUT it's the big 100 minute "Summit of the Sexes" dating talk. Gee golly I can't wait. I am in a place right now where I am okay that I'm not dating. Nobody freak, I haven't decided that I don't want to get married or anything like that but I am just okay with my life the way it is right now. If I was asked on a date I wouldn't turn them down but I'm not bitter that I'm not being asked out. The dating lesson will definitely be interesting. I am curious to see how much of it really applies to me because these things are usually aimed at the people that actually go on dates so Amy and I have planned to sit in the back and color and text sarcastic messages to each other. Maybe I will learn something. I'm not closing it off completely but I'm also not getting my hopes up. After telling Darcie about it she asked what they wanted to come of it and then suggested that they put names in a hat and everybody draw one and then everyone would have a date. Don't worry she wasn't serious. I know everyone is holding their breath in anticipation. I'll update you don't worry. But now it is time for bed.