I need to be someone I'm not.

For as long as I can remember I have put everything I have into my relationships. I have always thought this was a good thing, a positive attribute. In some ways I am still all for it and don't completely plan to change but I need to get to a place where I don't feel like I'm giving so much that it hurts when I don't get a lot in return. I know it's not because I'm unimportant to these people. I took the Love Language quiz and found that my love language is quality time. This definitely did not surprise me but knowing that it actually means something explained a lot about my behavior and about why sometimes I don't feel like I matter to people as much as they matter to me. My love language is quality time so I will drive far and wide as often as necessary to be with people that are important to me, even for something little or unimportant. That explains why it hurts when others aren't willing to do the same for me. So, here is the challenge. I need to step back and decide if certain things are worth it. I've had an inner battle for years about whether or not it's good to be so sensitive. I've tried to stop being so sensitive (and as a result stopped feeling all together, I'd rather be sensitive.) and have now chosen to allow myself to be what comes naturally to me in that aspect of life, which is to be sensitive. While I think it's a blessing to be a sensitive person, it also causes heartache, often unnecessary. So I'm not trying to be less sensitive I want to try to choose when it's really worth putting a lot into people or things. There are certain friends that I call because I know if I don't we will just lose touch. But really, is that worth it? Shouldn't I do my best and then leave it up to them? You can only call a person so many times before you start to wonder if they don't call you for a reason. Do I need to drive to the "big" city 3 times a week in order to keep a good friendship with someone there? No, I really don't. Often I want to because I have a lot of fun when I do go but it's not worth it if i'm going to be upset when that friend isn't willing to do the same. In both cases it doesn't mean they don't care about me. It just means we show/feel love in different ways. This is such a mix of thoughts but it's out there. I really needed to vent. :)

Now, on a happier note, I have awesome friends. Yes, we all know that already but I had a blast last night with some of my super happy & super cool friends Brian & Daniel. We helped a friend move and at the end had a photo shoot. Here are a few of my favorites.

Daniel, such a strong guy!









See that big bookshelf? Yeah they moved it all by themselves. So tough! :)


We thugz














Posers!

Angels

Yeah, I believe in them. I'm surrounded by them right here in this amazing life I am living. This past week I have had a lot of opportunity to be reminded of it. It started last Saturday at Erika's wedding. One of my dear sweet roommates got married and my heart really was overflowing with joy for her. I have never seen Erika look more beautiful and it's because of the joy she was feeling in beginning her very own eternal family. It's a beautiful journey and she was prepared for it! I had a lot of opportunity to think about the experiences we have shared and what a blessing she has been to me and I was really overwhelmed by it. At the luncheon everyone was asked to introduce themselves and most people shared a little story about Erika or Mike after they introduced themselves. By the time it got to me I was so close to tears, thinking about all Erika has done for me and hearing the wonderful stories others told about her and about her husband, that all I said was "Erika & Lori were my roommates and we had a lot of fun together." Ugh! That doesn't even begin to explain this connection I have with them!! I know Erika and I know Erika knows me so I feel peace knowing that she knows what I really meant, but at the same time I realized I haven't really expressed to her all that she has done for me. I find that I am less likely to tell people I am extremely close to, like family and people that are like my family, how much they have done for me. I usually assume they know and I don't know that that is the best attitude to approach things like that with. Erika has taught me so much. She has been a huge strength to me in some really really difficult times and I ALWAYS knew I could count on her. I still know I can. The last few years we haven't talked as often but I don't feel like that has changed a single thing. She's still like a sister to me and I hold that very close to my heart. Erika stayed up late into the night with me when I had a very high fever and put a new cold/wet washcloth on my forehead what seemed like every 5 minutes. When you are far from home and so sick and so scared, having people in your life that are willing to do such silly little things for you is such a blessing. That is just one example but is one that shows, in a nutshell, the kind of person Erika is. Thank you for being my friend Erika and for lifting me up, teaching me and helping me to become a better person!

This week I also had the opportunity to spend time with a few of the other girls from my life at Raintree. Those girls are always going to be in my life. I know that for a fact. They truly are like sisters to me and bring me such peace and such joy when I am with them or talking to them. Rach is moving away and so we had one last get together before she left and it was exactly what I needed. We have such an incredible connection and I'm always blown away at the fact that no matter how much changes we can come together and lift each other up and leave feeling stronger. That's how I felt on Wednesday after talking with those wonderful girls for a few hours. We were sad that Lori and Erika couldn't be there but they were there in our hearts for sure. To you beautiful girls, thank you for teaching me, loving me and helping me in my journey to figure out who "Beth" is.

I'm going to miss Rach so much. I always love being with her and knowing I can be completely me with her. Thank goodness for Facebook ;) Oh, and phones too. And airplanes.

Rach took me to a wonderfully peaceful & beautiful place that she likes to go to when she wants to think or just be away from the world and I look forward to using that place as a new place of refuge. Rach understands my heart and understands the need to get away. She gets me and I'm so blessed to have a "soul sister" like her. So my wonderful friends, I love you! Thank you for being in my life, I know these are friendships that will never fade.

This post is probably a little cheesy to most of you but, it's something that has been on my mind a lot this week and I feel it's important to put into print. I'm truly blessed and what good are such blessings if we don't show gratitude for them?

Who is this person?

Do you ever have hours, days, weeks, months etc where you are some person that you don't even know? That's me lately. I have been SUCH a brat to people I really really care about lately and I need to stop. It makes me ache inside after it happens. The worst part is that in the moment I don't realize how awful I'm being until right after I do or say something and then the aching starts. I don't get where it's coming from but I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyone have any suggestions? I think I really need to figure out where some of these feelings of frustration and sadness come from that are the starting off point for all of the awfulness. Bleh, I hate feeling this way.

I'm so addicted

To Gilmore Girls. Seriously. I know I know, we already know this but it's kind of getting to be the way it used to be. I went through a phase where I didn't care so much about Gilmore Girls anymore, mostly because I hated that Luke & Lorelai weren't together but now that the show has been over for a year I am coming to terms with things and really loving it again! My aunt sent me the 7th season because it is a "necessity" (I totally agree with that by the way) and I watched it in a week. Much better the second time but it left me wanting more! So I started at the beginning again, sort of. Season 2 to be exact. (My friend is borrowing Season 1 otherwise I woulda gone all the way.) So I definitely haven't finished Season 2 in a week but every free moment I have I just have to watch! I have seen it all the way through several times but I don't have it completely memorized yet so I must continue! Anyway, I noticed yesterday that I am getting back to the old days of things in my life reminding me of Gilmore Girls and dang it I'm not living with a Gilmore Girls addict at the moment so most of the time I sound silly when I try to tell my roommate about the connection. Yesterday I actually called Kiely so that I could share the moment with SOMEONE that would understand! She understood and she swooned right along with me.

I think I have an addiction to some TV Shows in general. I love being able to get lost in the fake/insane lives of made up people. I think I'm having a quarter life crisis and so I'm living vicariously or something. I'm okay with that though because it sure is fun! This blog has no point whatsoever but I was thinking about my addiction all day & isn't that what blogs are for? Yeaaah!!!

The long awaited BLOG!!

So I learned recently that people check my blog! Oh my heavens I had no idea! What a boring little blog this has been lately. I always get so sad when I look at my friends blogs and they haven't updated in a day or two. Here I am 3 months later...Lame-O. I guess there just hasn't been that much to say lately. My life is going along as normal. Changes are coming and that will be an adventure! I get to move two times in three months. This for the girl that stays in one place for years on end because she hates moving. Yikes, I'm struggling. I have so much JUNK! I need someone to come in my room and just throw everything away. Okay, not everything. There are a few things I probably should keep but really, yeah lets throw everything away. Really though I'm ready for a change. I feel like I'm in yet another rut & I am ready for a new start. I've been thinking a lot this past week about life and how quickly things can change. A friend from my EFY years passed away unexpectedly last week & although I hadn't seen him in years I still feel quite a bit of sadness when I think about it. My heart aches for his family & close friends. As I thought about it I began to think of where my life is right now and I decided I want to do better. My home teachers talked to us today about living in the moment and that we need to be prepared for what is going to come in our lives. We really never know. Life has unexpected twists & turns. I want to live life to the fullest. I need to tell the people I love that I love them more often. I need to make choices to better myself a little everyday. I need to find the good in all situations & I need to laugh more. I was with some friends on Saturday night and we laughed until we cried! I hadn't done that in forever and it felt so good. I'm ready to start over.

On a completely different note, Boston is so soon!!! About a month and a half until I get my vacation and I can't wait! I'm turning 25 this week and I think this trip is part of my quarter life crisis & I can't wait!! I'm so excited to see my old roommate and very dear friend Corinnie & to explore Boston with her! I'm excited that Tom is going to come to Boston while I am there so we can spend some time together and I'm excited to go to Baltimore afterwards to see my family & a few friends too. Laur just moved back to Maryland and I can't wait to go on our traditional trip to the DC Temple but to actually go inside this time. I'm hoping upon hope that my friend Rach who is moving to Florida next month will come up to Baltimore for the weekend while I am there also. It will be a full trip but one I'm sure I'll never forget. I really can't wait! Okay enough of that! And because everyone loves pictures below is a picture of Amy Lora Karalee & I at Disney on Ice (princess style!!!)

The year in review

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. The New Years post. Gotta love it. I wasn't planning to but I realized that last year I blogged 12 times (so pathetic right?) and then I noticed that I did the same this year SO I had to blog one more time, and plus, I just read my first post from this year and I think it's about time for some follow up. I think I did it. I think there is room for improvement, but I think I started to overcome some of my fears. I let myself really care for people this year and I let other people care about me. I learned this year that I deserve to be treated really well, I realized that it's possible that someone can love me someday. I overcame some of my fears about getting involved in my ward. I was able to recognize blessings in my life that I haven't realized in the past. My testimony of the gospel has grown with a huge foundation on the Atonement. I started to become more self-reliant in my emotions. I didn't feel like i needed to go running to a friend every time something upset me. It's definitely nice to have that as an option, with the wonderful friends that I have but it's not something I felt like I had to do in order to feel better. I feel stronger then ever and I hope that keeps growing because I want to continue feeling that way year after year. A little stronger each year. I went to Minnesota, so silly, but for me a trip like that was overcoming huge fears. It wasn't the easiest trip ever. I love the friends I was with but there were definitely some struggles in readjusting to each other. But I handled it better then I ever have with only a few tears to Chris on the phone. I feel like I succeeded in my hopes for this year and I hope to build on that this year. 2007 was a really great year. One of my favorites and one with some of my biggest milestones. I'm blessed and I like where I am in my life.

I already have big ideas for 2008, I hope to keep the goals I have set for myself but if I slip up, that's okay too. I'll get back to it if I keep trying and have faith that I don't have to make these changes alone. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And for Tom, the theme-2008 I Am Legend.

*I began writing this blog on October 12th, for some reason I stopped but saved it and just now decided it was time to finish it. Parts are a little out dated, but I decided not to change it.*

Sometimes I wonder why I do this blog thing. I read my posts later and think that a person would have to be crazy to want to read about my unimportant thoughts but I always find myself coming back because I feel things that I don't know how to express or don't feel comfortable expressing verbally. It's kind of ridiculous to be so open about my feelings in such a public forum, but although it's public, it feels safe. I don't have to face the people that I know are aware it exists, and if I do they don't tell me they have read it so it's like nothing ever happened. So, here I am back in the land of blog.

I have been feeling so so blessed lately. This past weekend was General Conference and it was everything I could have hoped for. It was by far the best conference experience I have ever had, which I know has everything to do with the fact that I prepared and went into it with an open heart and a desire to improve myself and to have my questions answered. Both of which happened. I was able to go to Salt Lake to watch two of the sessions with my friend Chris and it really made a difference for me. We watched the Saturday and Sunday morning sessions in the Legacy Theater on Temple Square and I loved it. I have never cried so much during conference or felt so truly touched. I also got to spend time with one of my favorite people which is always something I'm grateful for. I've been searching so much lately for anything, to feel fulfilled in someway and this weekend gave me that. I felt emotion more deeply then I have in a long time. And I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been trying to get to know people in my ward and make friends, etc but it's been hard for me. I have made some headway but it's not like I would like it to be. So, I felt really blessed to be with a friend that gets me and that knows me so well he can "read my mind." I also went to my sisters house for lunch and the second session of Conference on Sunday which ended up being something I really needed too. I don't always feel like my brother-in-law really likes me but lately something has changed and I feel like we get along better and he isn't just humoring me all the time. Maybe he realized he is stuck with me. haha! It was just nice to hang out with my sister at her house and to feel comfortable and like I was welcome and accepted. That night I went to ward prayer and ended up talking to people which was a miracle! I usually slip out quickly before anyone notices I was even there so I don't have the awkwardness of realizing I'm not gutsy enough to talk to people and people aren't going to just come up and talk to me. If you get the heck out that saves a lot of trouble. :)

To continue with my wonderful week I went to a show on Tuesday night that was originally made for a Sunday night show at the Nauvoo Temple and my Bishop set up a performance for us to see. My friend Alex was in it which was such a fun surprise for me to see her. I absolutely loved the show. It was broadway music, disney music and gospel songs. So amazing!! It's just about life and the things that happen and the people that touch your life. At the end I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I am so blessed. I cried again for the 5,000th time in 3 days. I love that Heavenly Father knows me. Through all of the loneliness and confusion that I have felt so often in my life, I always know that I don't have to do it alone. I'm really grateful for that. In an attempt to be more positive, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love knowing that I have a Savior who loves me and made it possible for me to live this life and to have choices about how I do and to have a way to repent when I make mistakes. I love knowing that this life isn't the end, that I can be with my family for eternity. There are so many reasons but in an attempt to be less wordy, I'll stop there.

2. My family. I have a different family. We have our issues but one thing I can never forget is that there is a lot of love. Whenever I get together with my extended family I can't help but smile because they're quirky, they argue but underneath it all our family is based on love and support. I've seen it and I'm grateful for it.

3. My current friends that are like my family. For most of my life I have had big groups of "good friends." I am at a point now where a lot of people are moving on and having families of their own but I have a group of people that I know will always be in my life. The amount of time I have known them spans from 14 years to 2 years. Some I have known since Young Women's, some I met at EFY some I met in my singles wards in Utah, some at work. They have all individually made a huge difference in me as a person by sharing their love and their examples. These people have been put in my life for a reason.

4. Old friends. There are a lot of people that were a huge part of my life at very important times, but for some reason we have lost track of each other or we just keep in very distant touch but I can't forget the difference they have made in my life. A lot of these people were a huge part of my life a few years ago when I was sick and they helped make my life bearable. Whether it was a home teacher that I hardly knew that came and danced in my room in the ICU or a friend that was dating my roommate and was the 3rd person to see me after I woke up in the hospital and was very scared. There were the ones that gave me blessings or the ones that got me to the hospital when I couldn't walk. We're in different places in our lives but my life was definitely changed because of them and they're very close to my heart still.

5. Music. It inspires me and I feel more deeply through music then anything else. I have no musical abilities whatsoever but I sure know how to appreciate music.

6. I am grateful that I know who I am. I know that I am of great worth because I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. That is something I repeated over and over in Young Womens but I don't think I fully grasped what that meant then. I definitely don't think I do now either, but my understanding of that phrase to be "a daughter of God" means so much more now. I am also grateful for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk from October and this quote: "The scriptures tell us that 'if any man love God, the same is known of him.' What a wonderful promise-to be known of Him. It makes the spirit soar to think that the Creator of heaven and earth could know us and love us with a pure, eternal love."

I'm grateful for a lot more, but for now this is where I will stop.