Today...

I feel really grateful. It's been kind of an up and down week but I am coming out on top. A conversation I had last week kind of sent me into a tailspin of emotion and instead of hiding in my dark place and staying there I've fought to see the good in my life. It's something I should always do but I'm weak and I don't. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm grateful and I want the world to know it!

I bet you're dying to know what I'm grateful for...

*Prayer. I have felt the power of prayer so strongly this week. I've felt answers to my prayers come and I have felt strength from the prayers of the people that know that I'm a bit of a basket case this week.

*Beautiful spring days. Although I know that spring in Utah is crazy and all over the place I can't help but be filled with happiness about the sunshine and warmth. I don't have any windows in the front office where I work but it still feels lighter.

*The sun coming up when I leave for work at 6:35am. No more dark mornings for a few months! Hurrah!

*My sister. She's great, seriously. And her kids. Being at their house makes me happier than I can express. The good chats, and those cute smiles and little snuggles from Austin & Emily warm my heart.

*Lora, Rachel & Chris. This list could go on forever if I listed all of the friends that I am grateful for but this week I am especially grateful for these 3. (As I am pretty much always...) Lora helped to keep me distracted from my brain that wouldn't stop and also let me talk talk talk and cry as much as I needed. Not to mention the weekly lunches that are seriously as good as (if not better than) therapy. Rachel, who always knows when I need to hear from her, always listens, always makes me laugh and who understands the inner workings of my brain with little or no explanation. And Chris, who listens to me cry even when he has had a bad day too, makes time to hang out even when he isn't feeling especially social (I always leave feeling happier than I did when I got there, it's kind of a talent that he has), gives me fantastic advice, knows much of what I'm feeling just because he knows me that well (kind of scary), and makes me laugh on a very regular basis (Diddly Wack Mack Mormon Daddy?).

*Random chats on google, MSN & facebook with people that I love. The chats brighten my day and help me to miss my friends less. (Hi Corinnie, Ames & Jeanne! <3) style="font-style: italic;">not grateful that I miss them so much. :)

*Have I mentioned sunshine yet?

*Plans for a belated birthday dinner with my friend Andrea tonight.

*Having plans for the weekend with friends from my ward. Can you believe it?! Elf/Christmas in April party on Friday night and a New Moon party on Saturday (don't worry we will be watching the rifftrax version...muuuch better that way. I bet I won't even fall asleep)

*Cafe Rio & American Idol with my roommate.

*My home teachers. They're fantastic! I feel like they actually care about me and aren't just coming to fulfill a duty.

*Purpley blue shirts like the one I'm wearing today.

*Being able to see all of the good in my life even when I physically ache for something different. (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have felt a physical ache because of a desire for more...it doesn't happen often but when it happened recently I was immediately able to see that my life is great right now too. Live in the moment& stop wishing for more Beth!!)

Ok I'll stop there ...I know this was probably one of those cheesy "did she really just do that?" kind of posts but...who am I trying to impress?!

Oh and here is a picture of one of my favorite little smiles.

Random thoughts...

*I listen to Pandora once in awhile and I always love when I choose a station and it is perfect. It plays tons of music that I love. One of the main reasons I love it is because it makes me feel validated. I've been teased many times when making quizzes about how well people know me that it should actually be called "How well do you know Beth today". This has made me think that perhaps I don't know myself very well or perhaps I'm not very passionate about things. So, when I chose the Ingrid Michaelson station on Pandora and a bunch of artists that I love and listen to regularly were also on that station I felt like maybe I know one thing for sure about myself. I know the kind of music I like and Pandora is the validation I need that I do, in fact, have a style of music that I enjoy the best. Whew, that was harder to explain than I expected.

*This goes along with part of the last point that I made. A few months ago my lovely former roommate Kiely came to visit. We went to The Chocolate with Laura and then I drove Kiely home afterwards. We ended up talking in the car for a long time and we discussed many deep things which is what we tend to do when we are together. One of the things I told her was that I am afraid that I don't know myself very well. I feel like I've been in a fog for years so it makes me wonder if I've missed out on a large part of the growing up process. I'm not sure if that is necessarily the case but I've started paying closer attention to the things I do and do not like. Kiely and I also decided we would share things with each other when we figured something out that we knew for sure we liked or didn't like. Here are a few of mine: I like the color red, I like green bananas, I love rice, it is very important to me that my clothes smell fresh etc. Random? Yes, but they are things that I am sure about.

*We all have pet peeves, want to hear some of mine? I knew it. Gum chompers/snappers/poppers. I can't stand it. I think it's obnoxious and completely unnecessary. I'm sorry if you are one of them, don't worry I won't tell you if you are. I'm pretty good at ignoring it most of the time. Another is when someone asks me a question and then very clearly doesn't listen to the answer. I'm not talking about "What's up?" (which is another pet peeve) but something that very clearly is looking for a response. I hate when I'm half way through the answer and realize the person isn't listening. The best part is when you stop dead in the middle of the answer and never finish and they don't notice. I won't be offended if they don't ask the question so please don't do me any favors! (I only complain about this here because I know that the person that does this the most won't be reading this.)

*Another thing that I have been wanting to blog about for a long time is respect, specifically respect from guys. I have been thinking about this for months but it isn't enough alone so it is perfect for a random thoughts post. I have to say that in my life I have been surrounded by the most respectful guys. I've had some opportunities to watch guys that I am not friends with and see their actions and it has made me so grateful for the respect that I have received. Not only in the way I am spoken to but in the way I am treated. I know for a fact that if I was ever carrying a lot of stuff (or even a little) and one of my pals saw me they would help me carry it or at least open a door for me. I know that they would never speak of inappropriate things in my presence, not because they don't think I can handle it but because they respect me. I also know that they are that way with all women because they respect them and for that I am grateful. I'm grateful that my first experience (on a regular basis) with disrespectful guys is as an outsider watching it happen. I'm glad that I know that I can demand respect because there are people that will give it. That isn't the most complete thought but there it is!

*My elbow hurts. It has been hurting ever since my car accident but seriously, how did I hurt my elbow?! It wasn't that hard of an impact and the only thing I can think is that I held tight to the steering wheel and locked my arms when I was trying to stop when the girl hit me but I really don't see how my elbow could be hurting from it. I can still bend it but there are times when it hurts pretty bad (mostly when I'm sleeping). I'm sure it will go away, all of the other aches and pains I had have slowly gotten better. But c'mon, that's just random right?

Thanks for reading friends. I hadn't blogged in so long but I kept thinking of random things I wanted to express and this was the best way I could think to do it. :)

I bought a car!

Isn't she cute?! I never thought I would own a white car but I love it.

This car has so many fancy little things, including built in bluetooth! I called my family immediately after buying the car and I'm already sold on the coolness of not having to hold a cell phone.

After a very long week or so I just bought a car! I didn't realize how difficult it would be to decide. I was so afraid that I would make the wrong choice but after I drove this lovely car on Thursday and then again on Friday and didn't feel like throwing up (for the first time in a week) I knew she was the one. It's a she. No name yet but I am taking suggestions! So far Pearl & Blossom are on the list (Thank you Sassy and Gran!).

I have been an emotional wreck this week because of this car junk. I like things to be planned and I like to know what is going to happen and this has been a week of what ifs. SO, to the incredible people in my life. THANK YOU! Thank you Allison, Ben, Chris and Sarah for car shopping with me. Thank you to Ben for not getting annoyed with me for my constant questions. Thank you to Carrie and Brian for the car suggestions (I bought the Versa because of Brian!) Thank you especially to Sarah, Chris, Sassy and my Mom for dealing with random phone calls at all hours asking for advice, crying or just plain whining. (And thank you for answering even though you knew that was what you would be dealing with) Oh and my boss has been amazing as well. She helped me understand insurance stuff, interest rates and made decisions for me when I didn't feel like it. (She's the one that decided that I would just let them total my car and not sell it to a guy at work. I'm so glad I did.)

Oh, and Carmax is awesome.

I feel like blogging. And I think about it a lot. But nothing ever comes of it. Either the thoughts are too personal or too boring or too incomplete. So I just don't write.

What is on my mind right now? Shoes. My favorite shoes have so many holes in the bottom that when I stepped in the grass yesterday I felt dirt go into them and had to take them off to empty the dirt out. I'm kind of pathetic. I know I should stop wearing them but I love them and we all know how hard it is for me to find shoes that fit AND that I love. Someone want to submit my patheticness to "What Not To Wear" So that they can buy me lots of expensive things?

I know you're all dying to see the shoes. The shoes that have stolen my heart. So I'll share, because I'm kind like that.

I Like:

Tasha by Walking Cradles

Oh and don't forget about these. I want them in black and bronze because metallics are considered neutral (Guess who learned that on What Not To Wear).

I Like:

Dyan by Fitzwell

So, there you go. One thing that is on my mind that I actually feel like I want to share in a public place.

My birthday happens to be in a month and 2 days. I accept gifts (such as darling red shoes in size 13). (Ok if you know me at all you know that I don't actually mean that. I struggle when people give me gifts. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I won't show enough gratitude even when I really like the gift. I feel like I will never be able to repay them. And yet I sure love giving gifts. I'm such a hypocrite.)

Out of the haze

For the past few weeks I have been feeling like I'm coming out of a haze that I have been lost in for a long time. As I shared some of the experiences leading up to this "escape" my lovely friend asked me what I was going to do to stay out of it. She asked what I could change to overcome the things that put me into the haze. I gave her a few answers but as I've thought about the question more and more I realized that I've already slipped back a little bit. I feel hopeful and ready for change so now is as good a time as any to figure it out, I'd say!

One thing that has been a great concern for me is that I feel like I'm never "in" the moment. I will be with friends or family, doing fun things and yet I'm not really there. My mind is somewhere else, usually thinking about when I can leave. Anxiety has paralyzed me for some time now and it is taking major training to not stay in that mindset. Even when I don't feel anxious I am thinking of how to leave, how to get out of something all together, or how to be invisible while I am there. I miss the desire to be with people and the ability to really connect with people. That is what makes me who I am, and that is why I feel so lost. I have met some great people in my ward. They are a group of girls who I, without a doubt, can see myself being close friends with and yet I hold back and really only care for them on a very surface level. It is so unlike me and it all has to do with avoiding "the moment".

If you want to know something about me that perhaps says a lot...or maybe very little, that something is that I.google.everything. Seriously. Everything. When I worked at PDC if anyone asked a question (about anything, not just work) I would tell them to google it and then, because I am insanely curious, I would google it too. Today I was thinking about living in the moment and I realized that I don't think I know how to anymore, so what did I do? I googled it. Yup, I typed "how to live in the moment" into google and much to my surprise I found an answer. A very thought out and organized answer on, believe it or not, wikiHow.com. Ready for this?

http://www.wikihow.com/Live-in-the-Moment

Check it out! As I read it the "how to's" seemed like they should be obvious but to me they were enlightening. I don't know what that says about me, nor do I want to. I just want to try to change my actions little by little.

I apologize if all this blog is anymore is a list of ways I am trying to figure things out but I really feel as though I have lost myself and that makes me sad. I want to find me again.

It's been a year?!

Yeah, that's how I felt when I went back to read my first blog from this year. I can't believe I wrote that a year ago. I also can't believe how different my life is now and yet how similar...I have to say this has probably been the most eventful year of my life thus far. It has left me tired, overwhelmed, confused and really really grateful. I think it might take another year just to recover...

My year in review:

*In January, I decided to move back to Maryland.
*In March, I went to California for the first time since I was a wee little girl. While in California or driving back to UT I had a lot of firsts. Went to see my dad's grave for the first time, stayed in a $5/night hotel room in Primm, NV. Went to Vegas and walked the strip (and realized I hadn't been missing much...), oh and that was the longest roadtrip I had taken that I could remember. (I was too young to remember driving from CA to MD).
*In April I turned 26, I left my job of over 4 years, threw away or gave away most everything I had collected during my 8 years in Utah, packed up what was left, lived with Ben & Brenae for a few days, said goodbye to my family and the people that had become like family for me and drove across the country with Corinnie.
*In May I applied for over 50 jobs in MD and never even got an interview.
*By the end of May I had been offered a job in Utah that I never applied for and never even had to interview for and I decided to take it. I had 2 weeks to return to Utah. According to my Gran, I smiled for the first time in a month.
*June, I caravanned (is that a word?) across the country with my mom and Ames. One of the days I drove for 14 hours...that was a first.
*Also in June I started a new job and was officially homeless.
*Between June and July I lived with my sister, the Harlows, Ben & Brenae and then the Harlows again.
*In July, I bought a Queen size bed and felt very grown up about it.
*In July I also bought a plane ticket to Orlando to visit Rach.
*August I moved into my new apartment in Orem, and just like several people told me, it really is different than Provo and I rarely go to Provo. It's like another world.
*In August I bought a plane ticket on a Tuesday and flew home on a Wednesday to be with my entire family, who was all together for the first time in over 2 years.
*In October I went to Florida for the first time.
*In November I became an Auntie again!!
*And in December, I spent my first Christmas ever away from my mom. Until this year we've always been together on Christmas either in Utah or Maryland. It wasn't as awful as I thought but it also didn't feel like Christmas at all.

My only hope for 2010 (that I'm sharing in this very public place) is that I will somehow recover from everything that I experienced this year and that I will also remember that I know without a doubt that there is a purpose in all of it. It really wasn't a bad year it was just a very full year that left me feeling like I can do pretty much anything...oh I hope that I didn't just jinx myself by saying that.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2010 is filled with growth and happiness for each of you!

Ask and ye shall receive...

It's no real secret that I have felt quite distant from almost everything and everyone lately. I have been going through one of those phases where I just don't feel anything. Now and then I have felt a good strong connection with people but mostly there was nothing. I'm working on things and feeling better about life but still haven't completely figured out the whole feeling thing.

In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.

After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)

I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.

After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)

When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.



I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!