I'm wordy...

Wow, so after getting Josh's comment on my last post I realized that I sure talked a lot. (And I know Josh wasn't telling me I was wordy or anything like that I just realized that I was.) So here is a less wordy post. I went bowling last Friday. I wanted to see if I really am good at bowling all of a sudden or if the last time I went was just a fluke. Well, I bowled and so did some other very talented bowlers (such as Chris and Amy and her boyfriend) and I won! Holy COW! I won. And I broke 100...119 to be exact. So I plan to use "Pins" as my name everytime I bowl from now on because it's working for me. Here is a picture of my winning score. I'm "P". Amy was a close second (Big Rosie if you will...) It was such a fun night!

My Sisters belly has a heartbeat...and some other random stuff.

Sooo. My sister is preggers. Yeah, I've known for awhile but it has been kind of a sensitive topic after her miscarriage so it has just been family information for the last few months. But alas, she went to the doctor and got to hear the baby heartbeat. How tender is that?! I'm going to be an Auntie! Auntie Bess...that's me. I'm really so excited. My sister is going to be such a great mom and I am going to be SUCH a great Aunt! heh heh. So now we're allowed to start picking up baby clothes and not just looking from afar while pretending that we aren't looking and we're allowed to talk plans because it is no longer a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage and we all feel a little safer. My sister is so strong and she made it through her miscarriage so well and sometimes I think she dealt better then I did...what's new really. Anyway that is the big huge superbly SO GOOD news. My sister is pregnant.

Now everything else. I had an incredible President's Day weekend. Friday night the roommates and adopted roomie Laura went to the big city for a night away from our suffocating town. We stayed in a fancy shmancy hotel and ate lots of food and stayed up all night. My friend Chris came and joined us and ended up getting a room at the hotel so he got to hang out with us all night and it was so fun. He's one of us now. It's official. He survived a girls night a long tiring girls night and we're proud. I felt so refreshed (and with only 3 hours of sleep!) and never wanted to leave. It's kind of funny that I wasn't even gone 24 hours and I wasn't even an hour from home and yet it was so nice. The weather was beautiful we got to walk in the city to go to dinner (which I love doing...I LOVE walking in cities.) and we ran all around the hotel all night had elevator races and didn't even get kicked out. Even though we were threatened when a joke was made about having a pillow fight with feather pillows. Did you know they'll charge you an extra $150 if you do that? Yeah, they told us...even though we weren't going to follow through it was good information to have..ya know just in case the sparkling cider got to us. Anyway it was really fun and I think it was kind of a healing trip in a way. Roommate Amy and I are on the mend. We were best friends for a long time before we...how do you say..."broke up" I guess. And then I was really hurt and had to take some time but lately things have changed for me and that has helped our friendship immensely. On the drive home we ended up talking and we really talked. We discussed what happened and what has happened since we kind of gave up on the friendship. It was a really good talk and things felt so much better afterwards. I still have a few things holding me back but that is me having walls. I never used to have walls now I have tons of walls. Life will do that to ya I guess. Anyway, we fixed things and it's really good. I also feel like things changed with my friendship with Chris. He's one of those friends I have always known would be there but we didn't talk a ton. I think I tend to take him for granted and I'm not proud of that but it's something I am working on. We've been friends for a few years now with a short break in the middle while he was on his mish and I was failing as a friend and not writing him letters. But he found me when he got home (helps that I hadn't moved...see people no change for me) and we have been best friends since then. This kid has the biggest heart of anyone I know. A lot of times caring about people so much is looked at as a negative thing (boy do I know!) but I think it is a huge gift and I'm really grateful to have someone like that in my life. I always know he's there and I am eternally grateful for that. After our so fun girls night we've been "Gchatting" and it's refreshing. Gchat...bringing friends together. I tell ya. Anyway I just know that I'm really blessed to have him as a friend. He gets me and lately that's kind of rare. Anyway, the rest of the weekend wasn't very eventful. Church was especially inspiring on Sunday and I left wanting to be better. I have made it a point to try a little harder spiritually this week. I really put a lot of heart into my scripture study and prayers and after a really inspiring RS lesson on Sunday I set some other goals that I have kept also. It has resulted in a really good week and a lot of clarity in my mind. I've been kind of going back and forth with a decision I am trying to make lately and this week has brought me to a new realization. I have a tendency to make a decision and then think about it so much that I talk myself out of it. One thing I want so badly this year is to stop being so careful and to stop holding myself back out of fear. So as I have thought about a discussion I had with my Bishop before Christmas and have gone back and forth on where to go with this decision I finally came to a conclusion this week. I'm not perfect but it's going to be a long time before I can be. I am trying and my life is in a place now that it hasn't been in a long time. I have felt really truly strong for almost a year now and that is new to me and I know it has happened for a reason. So, I'm going to do it. "it" isn't something I want to post publicly but the person I am becoming is something I want to put into words so I'm probably doing this more for myself then anything.

I think I have posted about this before, but my friend Tom has a habit (and by habit I mean more then once but not everytime we see each other, he's not a freak.) of telling me after some time apart, that I have grown up. I always love hearing it, as I'm sure most people would, we like progress and to hear that someone you are close to sees that progress feels good. The times he said that I never really felt like I had changed or grown up that much but right now, wow right now I feel like I have grown up. I think everyone has that moment when you realize that you are a grown up sooo what am I waiting for? I had it and I went with it. It has made me think about my job a lot because ya know, grown ups work...I work...I'm a grown up...but am I doing what I want to do forever? No. no no no no no no no. That is something I know for sure. I want to do something that will touch lives and as much as they try to convince me (and they have) editing the yellow pages does not touch lives. I had to get out of that mindset though. I work with some incredible people. We're like a little family and those people have changed me and I think we have all grown to really care for each other. I think that having a job where I feel appreciated and that I feel like I am remotely good at isn't such a bad job to have. My newest project at work is to write a training manual. Let's be honest...have I ever thought I knew how to do something well enough to write a training manual on it? Big big no. But here I am. They trust me and believe that I do my job well enough that writing that manual is something I am capable of. I always thought that this job would be the kind of thing that held me back. Once you learn how to do the job there isn't much progress you can make but I have seen myself grow so much over the last two years. So, for now I am going to stick with it. I don't mind getting up in the morning to go to work and that right there is a sign. So there we have it. My life still isn't easy, but it feels do-able and knowing I'm not in it alone is making all the difference. Yeah, wow I'm pretty blessed.

PS I still make fun of people that say So Good...but I also still say it once in awhile. Call me a hypocrite, see if I care.

Oh and here is my favorite picture from the weekend.

So good & holding on.

I mock people for saying "so good" in response to a number of different questions. "How are you?" "So good." "How was the movie?" "So good!" "How do I look?" "So good!" etc...there are many different situations and most of the time it's because of the way it was said but I officially am not allowed to mock anymore...because I said it. And meant it. Don't worry after I said it I thought in my head "soo good, soooooo good...so good." As I always say in response to someone saying "so good." But I said it. My Rach asked me how my day was and I said "so good" It was just a normal day got up early went to work etc. But I felt happy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but I was happy and I thought that was worth sharing. It's still new to me, this constant feeling of peace even when things aren't all that peaceful around me so I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's real I guess. Anyway, enough of the so good talk.

Today was a fantastic day. I think everyone has a person or a few people that they feel they can be themselves around no matter what. I know I do and I was reminded of that today because I spent time with a large number of those people today. Crackers birthday was yesterday so for her birthday celebration a bunch of the girls from the good old days went to Ihop for breakfast. There were only a few of us but it was so fun. I loved sitting back and watching everyone interact and I loved seeing how comfortable we are with each other. We just fit. When we were leaving I think we all felt a little sad for it to end. It's not often that you are with a group of people that you can just sit back and breathe with. Or you can just watch or listen and still feel involved. So as we stood in the lobby of Ihop and hugged and said our goodbyes we all agreed to do it again and I really hope we will. I have kept in touch with all of them individually but all of us being together at once is rare but wonderful. Each of those girls has really been a huge part of my life and making me who I am and I think I will always hold onto them.

After the wonderful breakfast I went to meet Heatherfer and her boyfriend so we could go to the salty city to see our friend Tom. He's visiting for the weekend and we were able to spend a bit of time together. We have been friends since teenagehood and after spending so much time together this past summer we are all really close and comfortable with each other. We went bowling and I totally kicked trash. I rarely break 40 when I bowl but I got a 92 today. Now that's impressive...gosh I'm amazing. :) It was really fun to be together and to again just feel so comfortable. I think we (or at least I) am constantly assessing situations and pondering how it is different from the last time I was with those people or in that situation and I found myself doing that again today. By the end of last summer I felt pretty comfortable I had gotten past the thoughts of "oh they are just spending time with me because we grew up together and they have to" and the feelings of inadequacy and had moved on to comfort but today I felt like me. I felt like Beth and well, as I have said four thousand times before that is different. It's little times like this that I hold onto as a little bit of hope for myself. I see myself growing and changing and I see that it is good. I came home tonight feeling fulfilled. Nothing spectacular happened today but I am learning that not everyday or moment or even every year needs to be spectacular. It's all just a part of making me me. Whatev, that all makes sense in my head and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this here psycho babble so I'm not going to try to fix it. A few pictures from my day:


The girls















Bowling For Life & Pins (our bowling names for the day)

Home Sweet Home :-)

I went home. I LOVE Baltimore. Or maybe the east coast in general, but especially Baltimore. I can honestly say that without a doubt this was my best Christmas ever. Sure it was accompanied by some anxiety but this is me we're talking about. I have anxiety about everything, nothing and all the stuff in between. The only thing I would change about my Christmas break is the length and really I can't even complain about that. I was able to stay for over a week and with my job that is a miracle. The holidays fell JUST right so I just got really lucky I guess! I really don't want to go into the individual details of each day on my trip so maybe I'll just do an overview.

Family: I spent so much time with them. More then ever in the past which may explain why it was such a wonderful visit. I spent a lot of time with my cousins who are truly the most amazing 14 & 12 year old that I know. Especially the 14 year old. He's just a good kid. He can be a punk but he has the sweetest heart and I adore him. He wanted to do something with me on the Friday before I left and I told him I couldn't because I would be in NC visiting my best friend and he said "Why, I'm right here" Yeah almost cancelled my trip right then and there. Not really, but you get it. Oh and he picked out one of my Christmas presents all by himself and I love it. It is seriously my favorite present (next to the pink iPod but really that isn't even comparable) He and his dad went shopping for scarves for my sis and I and when they were leaving my Uncle said they should get one for my aunt also. My cousin said they should give the one they picked for me to his mom and then picked up another one and said they should get that one for me because I like things that sparkle! haha! That made me laugh really hard but I love it. It has really pretty blue and greyish stripes with gold thread through it...that description didn't do it justice but in one of the pictures I plan to post below you can see it if you really care. I got to spend a lot of time with my aunt and my mom and my grandma. All good things. I really love my Gran. We didn't always get along but now we're just pals. I get her more and I think she gets me too. I haven't cried when I left Maryland in years but when I said bye to my cousins and Gran I seriously had to work not to cry. Oh and we finally took a family photo. Everyone is in it except my cousin and his wife. Our family isn't that big but you would think it was by the fact that we haven't had a family photo since I was an infant.

Friends: I was able to see a few friends that I really wanted to see and I liked it that way. I liked that I didn't feel like I was rushing around trying to see people. It just kind of worked out. I spent time with my Bmore friends that live in Utah now. I always think that is kind of silly to be with them there when I can be with them here but it is different there. We grew up together so when I see them I usually see their families too and it's always so fun. T had a dessert birthday thing which was nice because I was able to see a few people that I wanted to see but knew I probably wouldn't get to otherwise. I had a good long talk with A.S. which is rare these days but really good. We used to be really close and things have changed but we just connect really well everytime we are together. We talked about a lot of things that I didn't even realize I was feeling. One thing about Wafe (A.S.) and I is that even though our lives are different in most ways in a few basic ways we really connect. We are kind of dealing with similar things right now and it makes each step a little easier to know you aren't alone in your feelings. A good friend reminded me not to let being in Utah make me feel old and I think it was a reminder I needed. I don't feel too old but being here can definitely get you to feel that. What?! I'm 23 almost 24 and not married?! For the love I'm a freak! Yeah...like that. I went to North Carolina and saw my best friend since I was 14 and her husband their DAUGHTER. She is almost two and perfect. Sweetest kid you'll ever meet. She called me Bess. Did you cry a little bit when you read that? I did. It was so good to be with them. It was hard because things are so different now. Best Friend and I can't have sleepovers and talk about boys and stay up all night anymore. Nap time and food time and family time are all more important which is wonderful but hard too. Best Friend is an amazing mommy. I'm really proud of her and love seeing that she is exactly as I pictured she would be when we were 14 and only dreaming of this part of our lives. The drive was long but worth it. I spent New Years Eve with HB and her fam and my mom and it was perfect. I always love New Years at their house because we just relax, eat and talk. We played some Aye Aye Nephi which is the next big card game, I can feel it...heh...hmmm.

Baltimore, New Years, Final Thoughts: Baltimore is gorgeous. We went to Ft McHenry with my cousins and it was the perfect day. A little windy but beautiful. Pictures below. I don't like that I have been in the "bubble" for so long that I feel scared sometimes when I am in Maryland. I never did growing up. I mean, obviously some situations anyone would be scared, but I never felt like my life was in danger but now all of a sudden I go home and I am afraid of a billion different things. I didn't let myself give into that fear this time and by the time I left I felt a little more comfortable. The whole week before New Years I was thinking a lot about my life. Mostly because of the conversation I had with Wafe. I really feel like I'm not moving forward right now. I have felt that way for awhile but I have done a lot of growing and improving and I need to remember that. I don't think I could really move forward with my life without the things I am learning and the strength I feel myself gaining. But this year I am going to make a difference. Even if it is little I want to take some steps forward. I already see one big move in my future in the spiritual part of my life and although I am nervous I am more excited then anything and want so badly to be ready. There are other things but I'm not quite ready to say those yet. Anyway there is a song I listened to today at work that made my ears perk up adn I have decided it is my song for this year. Here are some of the words:

I'm gonna stop lookin back
Start movin on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
Make my mark
I wanna leave somethin here
Go out on a ledge without any nets
Thats what I'm gonna be about

If you know me then without a doubt you know that I hold myself back more then anyone or anything could but my goal is to let go of that some. I don't expect to change completely that is something that I think will take years but I want to continue taking the steps I have started taking and make a difference in my life. I want to let go of my issues and fears and really love people like I used to. I want to do what I feel inspired to do and not worry what someone is going to think of that. I want to look at life and see all of the good things in it and be grateful for the trials. I have been touched by so many people who live their lives this way and I want to do everything I can to touch other peoples lives.

Here are some pictures from my trip

My cousins and I pretending that we are about to go to jail...obviously I am the only one upset about this

My cute cousins and my Beautiful Baltimore all in one picture

My immediate family

The cousins

Mi Familia

Auntie Bess with J & J in North Carolina

We played a little bit of Jenga talk about anxiety...

If you could see the clock it would say 12:04. Happy New Year! Have some bubbly! Oh and the phone is in the picture because H.B. was talking to boyfriend and of course we wanted boyfriend in the picture!

Brisket, White Christmas and Old Friends

Wow, it's Sunday. The weekend went by SO fast which quite possible hate much to do with the fact that I went Christmas shopping for 5 hours yesterday. I was feeling well enough to go to church today for the first time in 3 weeks. I loved being there and I really felt like I was right where I needed to be which, right now I really needed to feel. The Bishopric spoke today and I was really touched by their talks. I felt so strongly how much they love us and when they talked about how two of them expect to be released soon I felt a pang in my heart. I have to say I was shocked by that. After leaving the 136th ward I didn't think I would love a bishopric as much as I loved that one but I do. The 136th ward was a huge part of my growing up and the Bishopric and their wives were seriously like my family in times that I really needed a family and I didn't think that could happen twice. It really has though. I had some fears at first mostly because of an experience that I let hurt me too deeply but I have since gained an incredible relationship with my Bishop and love and appreciate him SO much. He has helped me to really work through a lot of hard things and he is helping me to take new steps in my life. Anyway point is I was really touched and grateful for them today. I was really excited for after church today also because the other night at the Brian Regan show B.T. & his wife B invited us over for our beloved White Christmas movie night. Roommate A.V. and I went and so did L.H. & husband. We were all invited at Brian Regan and when we got there and saw some old friends (B.T's old roommates/guys we used to be really close with) and their wives were there too. I worried at first that it might be awkward but it ended up being really fun, which it always is I just have to get over my issues of thinking things are awkward when they don't have to be. I actually got over it quite quickly and felt very comfortable and at home which is something I got so used to not feeling that everytime I do it is a little shock. Dinner was really delicious (thus the Brisket part of the title of this blog) and it was fun chatting. I'm really grateful that B.T. is sort of like I am with friends in that he doesn't just give up on people. When he got married and I teased him, as I do with all of my friends, that he was now going to move on without us. He made it very clear that he planned to be different and he certainly has been. We spend just as much time with him now as we did before and I'm glad. I adore his wife and always enjoy myself when we're together. B.T. has been an incredible friend to me and ever since the night he came in the middle of the night to give me a blessing and had to sit and watch me sob for a long time before I could even talk I have known he is the really good kind. The kind you keep. He never mentioned my breakdown again which made the initial awkwardness that I felt go away immediately. I'm not making sense but this time of year does that to me. And having a little Christmasy dinner with a bunch of old friends all of which have touched my life deeply in one way or another brings back a lot of feelings and memories which brings the gratitude I was too lost and numb to feel when they were in my life regularly.


In Relief Society today we talked about unity and how it can give strength. The teacher asked people to share experiences or examples of times when they felt that and I just leaned over to roommate A and whispered "136". She knew what I meant and whether or not she was thinking it I know she agrees. I have talked to a lot of people from that ward and all of them have said the same thing. They have never felt like they belonged more then they did in that ward. I think of that and just feel so overcome with gratitude because I see where I am now. Things aren't perfect and I have a long way to go before life is what I want it to be but it is better and I think of those times 2, 3 years ago when I was as low as I could possibly get. I was in a scary place and I wanted to give up but something kept me going and I truly believe the strength I received from being a part of something made me not give up. My Heavenly Father knew what I needed in order to help me and I wasn't in a place where dealing with life the way normal people do would work. I needed a support system and I got it. I have trouble grasping how blessed I am but I am truly grateful. I'm a babbling mess. I'm just in a good place right now. I have things I want to improve and things I want to learn and do but I am really in a good place. It's late, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow...3 things that don't go well together.


I'm out.

One week...

In one week my mom will be HERE! I really can't wait. I mean really really. I've been sooo homesick and I have had some moments of lonliness of sorts and it's so nice to have mom around. I just can't wait. That's all there is to it. It's been a pretty good week. There have been some work issues that I am struggling with but I am trying to be strong and ignore it. The boss gets back Thursday and then I won't have to worry about it anymore I'll just have to get myself to fight the temptation to run it over in my mind which will in turn make me feel unappreciated over and over and I really don't want to get into that. Soo, I'll work on that.

Sunday was a really good day. Mostly. On Saturday the girl that was teaching Relief Society on Sunday called and asked if I would share with the sisters a trial I have had that I relied on the Lord to get through. Lets be honest here. I totally freeaaaked. Hellooo anxiety attack. I told her I would let her know and then I hung up the phone and cried. Then I told myself that she asked me for a reason and I needed to do it. I don't know why but I knew I needed to so I called and told her I would do it. Sunday started morning right when I woke up the anxiety started and didn't go away until about 20 minutes after I shared my experience in Relief Society. I was praying like crazy to know what to say. The thing that kept coming to my mind was the last thing I wanted to share, I didn't want to feel so exposed. For a girl that has worked VERY hard the past 3 years to be as unexposed as possible, getting up and telling a group of gorgeous, spiritual girls that seem (seem) to have it all together, that I struggle with depression was the last thing I wanted to do but I was supposed to so I did. I don't know what I said when I got up there but for the first time in years when I sat down I wasn't beating myself up for sounding stupid. Although I was shaking so much that people were probably beginning to wonder what my deal was I felt like I expressed myself clearly and the spirit was there, for me at least. I cried for a long time after I sat down but it wasn't so much a bad cry. All of RS was really amazing and the spirit was very strong and I did feel a closeness to the sisters that I hadn't felt before. It's hard to be in a ward with so many people that, at first glance, it seems I have nothing in common with but I have learned well over the years that the first glance means nothing. So ya know I'm working on that. Anyway the rest of Sunday was good too. I went and visited HB for her birthday and chatted with her for a little while which is always fun. We planned with Nate to go to dinner Monday night so I had something to look forward to. :-)

Work on Monday was one of those days where you just want to cry a whole bunch but you don't and then things get better. I just kept thinking about being with my summer friends minus T and I felt like I could make it. I did, no worries. It was so fun to be with N & H. We went to dinner at P.F Chang's (We asked what the P & F stand for the girl only knew that it was their names so we decided it must be Paul & Frank...Chang.) The person that brought our food out messed up and brought the wrong food but they put it on our table so they couldn't give it to the rightful owners, therefore it became ours FOR FREE. Heck yes two free entree's!! We were so excited and ate a whole bunch. Try the Mongolian Beef it's delicious (especially when it's free, otherwise it costs $15 and I dont' know how worth it that is...although it is pretty tasty...) We took what was left of our food to N's girlfriend and were able to spend a few hours talking with her. It was the first real conversation we've been able to have with her and hey, if N ends up marrying this cute girl we want to know her! :-) She's wonderful and I'm excited for N to be with someone that he loves so much and that loves him too.

The birthday celebrations continued today but for roommate A this time. We got pizza from CPK (heh heh) and had cake and ice cream and watched Cars...well, they're currently watching it still I am going to bed early tonight though because I didn't get to bed til 1 last night and I felt sooo sick all day and ended up leaving work early.

Anyway, that is life as of now. I am trying to get back in the habit of the goals I set for myself awhile ago. Hopefully I will do it. I really noticed a difference in myself when I was doing those things and I want to feel that way again. Until next time...

Tuesday already! Yay! I have an admission...I listened to Harry Potter (the 1st book) on CD at work yesterday and today and I loved it...DANG IT! Seriously, I have been fighting this for years but pure boredom overcame my stubborness and I listened to it. I am so ashamed, but really excited too. I can totally see why everyone loves it. How embarrassing. Pride is bad, don't give in! My awesome old roomie is going to let me borrow the rest of her cds so I can feed this new addiction. What a pal. :-) I'm really awake today, I went to bed at 9 last night and slept until 7. Lucky me!!

R called me today and asked if I want to go to Disney on Ice this weekend. SO there! I'm really excited. Mostly to hang with R but Disney on Ice should be fun too.

Okay, so just a quick jump back to Sunday. Sunday was incredible. Fast and Testimony meeting was amazing, Sunday School also amazing and Relief Society...well pretty much just blew me away. I am amazed more and more at the faith of the sisters in my RS. I have SO much I can learn from them and I love being there. The lesson was given by the RS Secretary and she chose my favorite talk from all of conference for the basis of her lesson. She used the first talk from the RS General meeting. It's amazing, I don't care if you are a girl or not you should read this talk. All of them really, but that one really touched me. As I wrote about once before, they had a video of sisters sharing their testimonies on how they feel the love of the Lord in their lives at the conference session. That question was posed to us in RS and wow, I was so touched by the answers the sisters gave. Every one of them should have been in that video. That lesson was one that I wished more then ever that anxiety wouldn't hold me back so much. There were things I just wanted to share but fear overcame that desire. I hate that. One time I even raised my hand but after not being the first chosen (which is SO okay by the way) I chickened out and thought my answer wouldn't be as good so I didn't answer. I did read a quote because I just needed to do something. Just thinking about that lesson right now fills my heart so much. Relief Society is awesome. I love that we have a place to go that feels so safe, I truly feel that sisterhood that everyone always talks about. Amazing.

We invited some people over for pie on Sunday night and unfortunately everyone was busy but AF from the ward did come and I was so glad. She is such a cool person and I don't really know her very well but I have a feeling we have some things in common. This girl KNOWS geneology. I wish I did, maybe someday I'll ask her to teach me. She taught a class in church last year but I have taken that class soo many times and I never really get it and I just felt like I would end up being frustrated just like every other time so I didn't go. I think I'm more of a one on one kind of student. Anyway, she came and had some pie and then stayed for ward prayer. It was fun to talk with her a bit more. Ward prayer was interesting as always, especially with the help of my roommates electric shock game. Not quite sure why people like to be hurt but they kept playing. It was really funny. :-) I ended up staying up way too late and hanging out with my roommates, ALL OF THEM, which is something we haven't done in forever. It wasn't completely interactive but it was nice.

I miss having social experiences and I keep feeling like the effort I am putting forth never works out. I'm keeping a positive attitude about it and convincing myself that it isn't personal, because I really don't think it is. People are busy, that is where it ends. It is certainly a weird change from 223 land where we didn't even have to work for it, we had it so much that it sometimes got old. Now I have to work for it and it is hard. We don't have a ton of people that we can invite over but I'm trying. I invited N over for pie and he said he would come after work but ended up having to stay late and couldn't coem because he had to be somewhere at 10. I was so sad! I miss him and never get to talk to him anymore. He is going to meet his girlfriends family next week which will be one of the last steps needed before they get engaged. I am so excited for him but I do miss him. We have been friends since we were 13 or 14 and he has always been a strength to me. He took me to my prom and put up with me being a brat to him afterwards. He is the only person I wrote to regularly on his mission. He is like my brother and after spending so much time together this summer I just miss him. That's all. Don't read into that people for the love don't be like that. I just miss him. The end. That is all.

I'm out.