Sometimes I am crazy. I really am. I act a certain way and afterward I think "Who was that??" The people that are closest to me see it far more than they deserve and yet most of the time they ignore that it even happened and love me anyway. I was crazy this morning, to someone that I work with that doesn't know me at all. I felt crazy on the inside this afternoon when I expressed something that really may not make sense to other people but in me is a very real feeling. I didn't express it in a crazy way but I feel guilty that I feel this way. I had a fun night tonight and was very grateful to my dear friend for helping to make up for what I missed out on today by saving it for tonight. Unfortunately I was very much lost in my thoughts most of the night because of these two occurrences and many of my thoughts kept going back to the fact that we all have our "things". We all have our moments of crazy and although they are expressed in different ways they happen to everyone. I need to learn to love all of me, even my "quirks" (or "the crazy" as I've been calling it today). I need to be willing to love myself and see beyond my crazy like I do, willingly much of the time, for others.
Me:
-I don't handle sudden change well, but once I have had time to adjust I can usually go with most things.
-I have anxiety and just because I'm afraid to come home at night because I'm convinced my house will be covered in roaches when I get there or just because I have many other seemingly irrational fears that doesn't mean I am wrong to feel that way. Someone told me once that if it's important to me it is important to someone. I remind myself of that every time I say "It doesn't matter" or "it's not important".
-I am often hurt because I fear, or find, that people I care about deeply don't care about me as much, but I still go into most relationships willing to give my all.
-Sometimes I am hurt by people I love, but I still allow myself to love.
-Sometimes I am told that I care too much, but I still allow myself to care.
-I am high strung at times. I like a plan, I like to know what is coming and I like communication. These are all things that aren't always present in my life or job but even when it's difficult oftentimes not having those things also make my life and job more enjoyable. It may take me 15 minutes or an hour or more to adjust but I always try to find the good in the situation.
-I may worry that I'm not doing my best, and because of that I may follow rules to the "t" but those things make me feel secure in my job and in my life (but mostly in my job.)
-I care what people think about me and I hate it. (Still trying to find the good in that one)
-There are things about myself that I fear or am ashamed of and in some cases I have never said those things out loud to anyone.
-Sometimes I am a jealous person but 99% of the time I don't allow myself to act on those feelings.
-I crave quality time with my friends but I also like to be told that I am important to them. I wish I didn't care but I do.
I pretty much just put a lot of things I don't like about me out there, but it is good for me to lay things out and get to know me a little better. I want all (2) of you to know that I know I am sometimes overtaken by the crazy but that I'm also trying really hard to balance it with some goodness. I care about people. I care about organization and communication. I love even when I know I will probably end up hurt. I also see all of these things in my friends and family and believe I have learned much of it because of their examples. (The good stuff that is)
When the people I am closest to love me despite my weaknesses I am encouraged. This note from a friend on my facebook is what gave me the strength to write this post:
"you're normal...and when you do that...you remind us that superwoman is human too. thanks for being human."
I don't think of myself as "superwoman" but I am incredibly grateful to know there are people in my life that do.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
On myyyy own...
It's late so this is just going to be a picture heavy post (mostly for my family). I got the key to my apartment today and took a few pictures while I was there. Warning, it's not as ghetto as the pictures make it look. Yes the carpet in the living room is...well barely carpet and a little stained and yes the tiles in the bathtub are ancient and yes the kitchen is small but there are very lovely things about it and once I clean the carpets, scrub the kitchen & bathroom and move my stuff in I think it will be just right, if for no other reason than it is my apartment and I don't have to share it. The living and bedroom are both very big and the kitchen has a full size stove and refrigerator. More than I can say for all of the other apartments I could afford on my own. :) Enjoy the pictures and come visit so you can see that it really isn't so bad. :)
The front door and a window that is in desperate need of curtains.
The teeny tiny kitchen. BUT it has a dishwasher and a window. I love having a window in the kitchen. It doesn't happen enough in apartments.
There are two closets this size in the hall and in the bedroom!
My very own bathroom. No more waiting in line to shower or wearing my hair up because I can't finish getting ready!
Part of my bedroom. (or just a picture of wall and carpet...) Obviously I got bored of pictures at this point. There is a window on the right wall and the left wall is all closet!
This is the fireplace in the living room!
The front door and a window that is in desperate need of curtains.
The teeny tiny kitchen. BUT it has a dishwasher and a window. I love having a window in the kitchen. It doesn't happen enough in apartments.
There are two closets this size in the hall and in the bedroom!
My very own bathroom. No more waiting in line to shower or wearing my hair up because I can't finish getting ready!
Part of my bedroom. (or just a picture of wall and carpet...) Obviously I got bored of pictures at this point. There is a window on the right wall and the left wall is all closet!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Blessings of Service
I have the opportunity to give a talk in church this Sunday. As I try to figure out which direction to go with my talk I have read some incredible talks. One of which is called Service, a Divine Quality by Elder Carlos H Amado. To be honest I would like to just stand up there and read this talk because it gives me goosebumps. The talk is short but powerful. There is one section that I just keep reading again and again and I want to share it.
I know that the Savior came to this earth and lived a perfect life. He is our perfect example and I want, more than anything, to emulate His light. The Savior never stopped serving and I have made covenants to do the same. It is so easy for me to say I'm too tired or too busy or too overwhelmed and feel justified in going home to lay on the couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance instead of going to visit someone who has been on my mind or to invite that person over that I know might drain my energy but could use a friend. I get caught up in the "thick of thin things". I also know what it feels like to genuinely put my whole heart into loving and serving others and that feeling is one that is worth the effort. SYTYCD may make me happy for 2 hours but being a blessing in someones life brings joy. (To both people, I would know, I have the greatest people in my life that serve me endlessly. Although at times it is difficult to accept, I am always filled with joy.) (PS this doesn't mean I'm going to stop watching SYTYCD but it does mean I'm going to use my time wisely.) Ok, now the quote that I wanted to share. It's long but, in my opinion, worth reading.
"Blessings of Service
I testify that through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord.
Service makes us strong in our faith and useful in His kingdom. Service gives us purpose and courage in life. It brings us closer to God and helps us refine our divine nature. It teaches us to love and understand our fellowmen, and it helps us forget about our personal desires, eliminating selfishness, pride and ingratitude. It teaches us to think of the needs of others, which allows us to develop the virtues that the Savior possesses.
Kindness, love, patience, understanding and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow.
Those who serve will always seek to please God and live in harmony with Him. They will be full of peace; they will have a cheerful countenance and a spirit of kindness.
Those who serve will strive to ennoble, build, and lift their fellowmen; therefore, they will find the good in others, and they will not find reason or have time to become offended. They develop the virtue of praying for those who criticize. They don't expect recognition or reward. They possess the love of Christ.
Those who serve will always be willing to share what they possess and what they know at all times, in all places and with all people.
Those who serve even in adversity will maintain a living hope of a better future. They will continue to be firm in the midst of a crisis because their hope is in Christ.
Those who serve will accept their assignments with humility, recognizing their limitations but convinced that two people can do all things they propose to do as long as one of the two people is God.
With divine inspiration, King Benjamin declared, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17). Those who serve will have greater understanding of the personality and attributes of God.
Those who serve with devotion, even when things don't turn out the way they would like, are not easily discouraged, fatigued, or frustrated because the promise of peace of mind and the companionship of the Holy Spirit will never abandon them." -Elder Carlos H Amado
I know that what Elder Amado says is true. When I am lost in selfless service, no matter what comes my way, I am filled with hope, faith and a love for my Savior, my Father in Heaven and for His children. Service will heal anything that is broken because "through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord."
I know that the Savior came to this earth and lived a perfect life. He is our perfect example and I want, more than anything, to emulate His light. The Savior never stopped serving and I have made covenants to do the same. It is so easy for me to say I'm too tired or too busy or too overwhelmed and feel justified in going home to lay on the couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance instead of going to visit someone who has been on my mind or to invite that person over that I know might drain my energy but could use a friend. I get caught up in the "thick of thin things". I also know what it feels like to genuinely put my whole heart into loving and serving others and that feeling is one that is worth the effort. SYTYCD may make me happy for 2 hours but being a blessing in someones life brings joy. (To both people, I would know, I have the greatest people in my life that serve me endlessly. Although at times it is difficult to accept, I am always filled with joy.) (PS this doesn't mean I'm going to stop watching SYTYCD but it does mean I'm going to use my time wisely.) Ok, now the quote that I wanted to share. It's long but, in my opinion, worth reading.
"Blessings of Service
I testify that through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord.
Service makes us strong in our faith and useful in His kingdom. Service gives us purpose and courage in life. It brings us closer to God and helps us refine our divine nature. It teaches us to love and understand our fellowmen, and it helps us forget about our personal desires, eliminating selfishness, pride and ingratitude. It teaches us to think of the needs of others, which allows us to develop the virtues that the Savior possesses.
Kindness, love, patience, understanding and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow.
Those who serve will always seek to please God and live in harmony with Him. They will be full of peace; they will have a cheerful countenance and a spirit of kindness.
Those who serve will strive to ennoble, build, and lift their fellowmen; therefore, they will find the good in others, and they will not find reason or have time to become offended. They develop the virtue of praying for those who criticize. They don't expect recognition or reward. They possess the love of Christ.
Those who serve will always be willing to share what they possess and what they know at all times, in all places and with all people.
Those who serve even in adversity will maintain a living hope of a better future. They will continue to be firm in the midst of a crisis because their hope is in Christ.
Those who serve will accept their assignments with humility, recognizing their limitations but convinced that two people can do all things they propose to do as long as one of the two people is God.
With divine inspiration, King Benjamin declared, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17). Those who serve will have greater understanding of the personality and attributes of God.
Those who serve with devotion, even when things don't turn out the way they would like, are not easily discouraged, fatigued, or frustrated because the promise of peace of mind and the companionship of the Holy Spirit will never abandon them." -Elder Carlos H Amado
I know that what Elder Amado says is true. When I am lost in selfless service, no matter what comes my way, I am filled with hope, faith and a love for my Savior, my Father in Heaven and for His children. Service will heal anything that is broken because "through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord."
Monday, May 17, 2010
She has a name!
I feel it is very important to name cars. I spend a lot of time in my car, especially now that I have a 35-40 min commute to and from work every day so why not name her, right?
The day I bought her I had several suggestions for names and one just stuck. I liked it immediately the first time I heard it and it continues to last. It is only right that my Gran named my car because my old car (Ruby) used to belong to Gran and I named that car. The other day when my Gran called she asked me how my car was doing and called it by the name that she suggested from the beginning and it just sounded right!
And so, dear blogosphere, her name is Blossom! It fits don't ya think?
Of course, when I hear blossom I think of a flower. A white cherry blossom to be exact. (that's where Gran got the idea)
But I think my lovely little Blossom will forever and always make me say "Whoa!!" and think of another Blossom.
In other news, life is great. I feel happy and I feel like I am just where I need to be right now. Not to say that life doesn't have it's challenges but I am able to see much more good than bad these days. I love waking up later. I love that I can have a whole day before I have to be to work (ok, maybe not a whole day but I get so much done that it feels like it.) I have only had one full day of real work but so far I really like it. I am blessed and I couldn't be more grateful.
The day I bought her I had several suggestions for names and one just stuck. I liked it immediately the first time I heard it and it continues to last. It is only right that my Gran named my car because my old car (Ruby) used to belong to Gran and I named that car. The other day when my Gran called she asked me how my car was doing and called it by the name that she suggested from the beginning and it just sounded right!
And so, dear blogosphere, her name is Blossom! It fits don't ya think?
Of course, when I hear blossom I think of a flower. A white cherry blossom to be exact. (that's where Gran got the idea)
But I think my lovely little Blossom will forever and always make me say "Whoa!!" and think of another Blossom.
In other news, life is great. I feel happy and I feel like I am just where I need to be right now. Not to say that life doesn't have it's challenges but I am able to see much more good than bad these days. I love waking up later. I love that I can have a whole day before I have to be to work (ok, maybe not a whole day but I get so much done that it feels like it.) I have only had one full day of real work but so far I really like it. I am blessed and I couldn't be more grateful.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
I love how life is full of surprises. Pretty much all of the time I pray for things or for guidance and the answer isn't what I expected. You'd think I would have learned by now but I am being reminded, once again, that there is a great big plan that is always in the works and it is far better than anything I could ever come up with on my own.
Almost exactly a year ago I packed up my life, said goodbye to family and friends and drove across the country to start a new life. A month and a half later I was back in Utah with a great job, great apartment (after that period of homelessness), a great ward and a huge blank in any ideas that I had for my future. I thought I had my future figured out when I moved to Maryland but there was much more in store for me. Moving away from Utah and then coming back is probably one of the best things I ever could have done. Although moving across the country twice was expensive and draining emotionally I needed a clean start. I needed to leave behind all of the things that were holding me back and start again.
My new job gave me that, I met some amazing people, was able to learn some new skills, worked with a good friend from a former job and was able to get experience in the field that I went to school for, not to mention I got to plan parties for the company. It also gave me the confidence to work with co-workers and customers and to expand my communication skills. I expected to be at that job for a long time. I started trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life to continue growing. School made the most sense so I filled out financial aid paperwork and I started to pray about my options. For months I felt like it wasn't right. I didn't understand how going to school could be a bad thing but I just didn't feel it so I waited and kept praying about what was next. And then last week happened.
Chris told me about a job that he wanted me to apply for but had just been filled. I was disappointed but couldn't stop thinking about it, after further discussion I found that he couldn't either. We both kind of felt like things wouldn't work out with the person that was hired. Fast forward to Sunday night when Chris asked for my resume. The person that was hired didn't work out and they were doing more interviews. I got a call on Monday and had an interview on Tuesday. After the interview I didn't feel like it went well so I tried to get myself to stop thinking about it because I was POSITIVE that they didn't want me. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to be able to move to the city and have a new start but I also reminded myself that I have a great job and I work with great people and I can go to school and figure things out. By Thursday I had practically forgotten that the opportunity had existed at all until I got a phone call. I didn't answer because I had a feeling it was the person I interviewed with and I wanted him to just leave me a message telling me that I didn't get it. I'm all about avoidance. :) I was a bit shocked when the message said "Hey, give me a call..." By 10am I had accepted the job offer and by Thursday night everything was clicking.
I'm sure it has happened to everyone, that moment when you think about the previous weeks (or months or years) and the light bulb flicks on and it seems to make sense. It's known as an "Ah ha moment" for a good reason. I won't go into all of the things that now make sense for me but I will say that it makes sense and there is a plan.
So, in 2 weeks I will begin working near the city and in a few months after my housing contract is up I will be moving there. I am grateful it isn't happening all at once (Gradual change is better for me :) But more than anything I'm grateful that this is happening at all. I look forward to a job that will be a challenge for me and will hopefully help me to grow even more. I look forward to moving out of the county that has been my home for almost 9 years. I'm nervous about all of it but how will I ever grow if I don't do things that challenge me? I don't know what is in store for me in the coming months and years but I do know, without a doubt, that there is a plan for my life and it has been laid out by someone much more wise than I will ever be. My knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me, really really knows ME is growing more and more every day. It's true for everyone and that fills my heart with joy and gratitude. I have been given so much and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I am worthy of those blessings.
Almost exactly a year ago I packed up my life, said goodbye to family and friends and drove across the country to start a new life. A month and a half later I was back in Utah with a great job, great apartment (after that period of homelessness), a great ward and a huge blank in any ideas that I had for my future. I thought I had my future figured out when I moved to Maryland but there was much more in store for me. Moving away from Utah and then coming back is probably one of the best things I ever could have done. Although moving across the country twice was expensive and draining emotionally I needed a clean start. I needed to leave behind all of the things that were holding me back and start again.
My new job gave me that, I met some amazing people, was able to learn some new skills, worked with a good friend from a former job and was able to get experience in the field that I went to school for, not to mention I got to plan parties for the company. It also gave me the confidence to work with co-workers and customers and to expand my communication skills. I expected to be at that job for a long time. I started trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life to continue growing. School made the most sense so I filled out financial aid paperwork and I started to pray about my options. For months I felt like it wasn't right. I didn't understand how going to school could be a bad thing but I just didn't feel it so I waited and kept praying about what was next. And then last week happened.
Chris told me about a job that he wanted me to apply for but had just been filled. I was disappointed but couldn't stop thinking about it, after further discussion I found that he couldn't either. We both kind of felt like things wouldn't work out with the person that was hired. Fast forward to Sunday night when Chris asked for my resume. The person that was hired didn't work out and they were doing more interviews. I got a call on Monday and had an interview on Tuesday. After the interview I didn't feel like it went well so I tried to get myself to stop thinking about it because I was POSITIVE that they didn't want me. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to be able to move to the city and have a new start but I also reminded myself that I have a great job and I work with great people and I can go to school and figure things out. By Thursday I had practically forgotten that the opportunity had existed at all until I got a phone call. I didn't answer because I had a feeling it was the person I interviewed with and I wanted him to just leave me a message telling me that I didn't get it. I'm all about avoidance. :) I was a bit shocked when the message said "Hey, give me a call..." By 10am I had accepted the job offer and by Thursday night everything was clicking.
I'm sure it has happened to everyone, that moment when you think about the previous weeks (or months or years) and the light bulb flicks on and it seems to make sense. It's known as an "Ah ha moment" for a good reason. I won't go into all of the things that now make sense for me but I will say that it makes sense and there is a plan.
So, in 2 weeks I will begin working near the city and in a few months after my housing contract is up I will be moving there. I am grateful it isn't happening all at once (Gradual change is better for me :) But more than anything I'm grateful that this is happening at all. I look forward to a job that will be a challenge for me and will hopefully help me to grow even more. I look forward to moving out of the county that has been my home for almost 9 years. I'm nervous about all of it but how will I ever grow if I don't do things that challenge me? I don't know what is in store for me in the coming months and years but I do know, without a doubt, that there is a plan for my life and it has been laid out by someone much more wise than I will ever be. My knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me, really really knows ME is growing more and more every day. It's true for everyone and that fills my heart with joy and gratitude. I have been given so much and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I am worthy of those blessings.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Today...
I feel really grateful. It's been kind of an up and down week but I am coming out on top. A conversation I had last week kind of sent me into a tailspin of emotion and instead of hiding in my dark place and staying there I've fought to see the good in my life. It's something I should always do but I'm weak and I don't. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm grateful and I want the world to know it!
I bet you're dying to know what I'm grateful for...
*Prayer. I have felt the power of prayer so strongly this week. I've felt answers to my prayers come and I have felt strength from the prayers of the people that know that I'm a bit of a basket case this week.
*Beautiful spring days. Although I know that spring in Utah is crazy and all over the place I can't help but be filled with happiness about the sunshine and warmth. I don't have any windows in the front office where I work but it still feels lighter.
*The sun coming up when I leave for work at 6:35am. No more dark mornings for a few months! Hurrah!
*My sister. She's great, seriously. And her kids. Being at their house makes me happier than I can express. The good chats, and those cute smiles and little snuggles from Austin & Emily warm my heart.
*Lora, Rachel & Chris. This list could go on forever if I listed all of the friends that I am grateful for but this week I am especially grateful for these 3. (As I am pretty much always...) Lora helped to keep me distracted from my brain that wouldn't stop and also let me talk talk talk and cry as much as I needed. Not to mention the weekly lunches that are seriously as good as (if not better than) therapy. Rachel, who always knows when I need to hear from her, always listens, always makes me laugh and who understands the inner workings of my brain with little or no explanation. And Chris, who listens to me cry even when he has had a bad day too, makes time to hang out even when he isn't feeling especially social (I always leave feeling happier than I did when I got there, it's kind of a talent that he has), gives me fantastic advice, knows much of what I'm feeling just because he knows me that well (kind of scary), and makes me laugh on a very regular basis (Diddly Wack Mack Mormon Daddy?).
*Random chats on google, MSN & facebook with people that I love. The chats brighten my day and help me to miss my friends less. (Hi Corinnie, Ames & Jeanne! <3) style="font-style: italic;">not grateful that I miss them so much. :)
*Have I mentioned sunshine yet?
*Plans for a belated birthday dinner with my friend Andrea tonight.
*Having plans for the weekend with friends from my ward. Can you believe it?! Elf/Christmas in April party on Friday night and a New Moon party on Saturday (don't worry we will be watching the rifftrax version...muuuch better that way. I bet I won't even fall asleep)
*Cafe Rio & American Idol with my roommate.
*My home teachers. They're fantastic! I feel like they actually care about me and aren't just coming to fulfill a duty.
*Purpley blue shirts like the one I'm wearing today.
*Being able to see all of the good in my life even when I physically ache for something different. (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have felt a physical ache because of a desire for more...it doesn't happen often but when it happened recently I was immediately able to see that my life is great right now too. Live in the moment& stop wishing for more Beth!!)
Ok I'll stop there ...I know this was probably one of those cheesy "did she really just do that?" kind of posts but...who am I trying to impress?!
Oh and here is a picture of one of my favorite little smiles.
I bet you're dying to know what I'm grateful for...
*Prayer. I have felt the power of prayer so strongly this week. I've felt answers to my prayers come and I have felt strength from the prayers of the people that know that I'm a bit of a basket case this week.
*Beautiful spring days. Although I know that spring in Utah is crazy and all over the place I can't help but be filled with happiness about the sunshine and warmth. I don't have any windows in the front office where I work but it still feels lighter.
*The sun coming up when I leave for work at 6:35am. No more dark mornings for a few months! Hurrah!
*My sister. She's great, seriously. And her kids. Being at their house makes me happier than I can express. The good chats, and those cute smiles and little snuggles from Austin & Emily warm my heart.
*Lora, Rachel & Chris. This list could go on forever if I listed all of the friends that I am grateful for but this week I am especially grateful for these 3. (As I am pretty much always...) Lora helped to keep me distracted from my brain that wouldn't stop and also let me talk talk talk and cry as much as I needed. Not to mention the weekly lunches that are seriously as good as (if not better than) therapy. Rachel, who always knows when I need to hear from her, always listens, always makes me laugh and who understands the inner workings of my brain with little or no explanation. And Chris, who listens to me cry even when he has had a bad day too, makes time to hang out even when he isn't feeling especially social (I always leave feeling happier than I did when I got there, it's kind of a talent that he has), gives me fantastic advice, knows much of what I'm feeling just because he knows me that well (kind of scary), and makes me laugh on a very regular basis (Diddly Wack Mack Mormon Daddy?).
*Random chats on google, MSN & facebook with people that I love. The chats brighten my day and help me to miss my friends less. (Hi Corinnie, Ames & Jeanne! <3) style="font-style: italic;">not grateful that I miss them so much. :)
*Have I mentioned sunshine yet?
*Plans for a belated birthday dinner with my friend Andrea tonight.
*Having plans for the weekend with friends from my ward. Can you believe it?! Elf/Christmas in April party on Friday night and a New Moon party on Saturday (don't worry we will be watching the rifftrax version...muuuch better that way. I bet I won't even fall asleep)
*Cafe Rio & American Idol with my roommate.
*My home teachers. They're fantastic! I feel like they actually care about me and aren't just coming to fulfill a duty.
*Purpley blue shirts like the one I'm wearing today.
*Being able to see all of the good in my life even when I physically ache for something different. (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have felt a physical ache because of a desire for more...it doesn't happen often but when it happened recently I was immediately able to see that my life is great right now too. Live in the moment& stop wishing for more Beth!!)
Ok I'll stop there ...I know this was probably one of those cheesy "did she really just do that?" kind of posts but...who am I trying to impress?!
Oh and here is a picture of one of my favorite little smiles.
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