So maybe this is just the expected insecurities that we all feel at some point but I can't help but feel like throughout my life I have put so much of my heart into caring about my friends and I wonder if I am crazy? I always thought, for some reason that I meant as much to these people as they have meant to me but now I am beginning to wonder. I sometimes wonder if I imagined those close relationships. Maybe I am just different, which I suppose isn't a horrible thing, but I wonder if the way people see me is really far off from how I see me. I am beginning to think its true...Am I that confused about who I am? Am I crazy? Did those relationships end because I really thought they were so much more then they were? It's the only explanation I can think of because had they just ended and we all moved on it would be one thing, but they always ALWAYS move on first...they take a few steps away...and say they're going to keep coming around, and they do for awhile and then they disappear all together. Or maybe to everyone else it just isn't a big deal...maybe its normal for people to come and go and I should just cut those ties and give it up. Everyone else does. Why does that have to be so hard for me? Everyone at work always says "wow beth, you have so many friends!" Do I or do I live in the past like a pro? Perhaps my perspective is skewed, perhaps I am just feeling insecure...but what if all of these things I am so afraid of are true? What if I push people away. I want to be one person so badly...and I try to be but something happens...like someone tells me I am always "the victim" joking or not...I felt the truth in the comment...or being told that I'm not nice...several times in a matter of hours...again, joking or not the truth was there and it scares me...I am afraid of how little I know about myself...and of how closed I have become...this is the most open I have been in awhile...Do I keep it all inside because I really don't think I have anyone I feel I can express these things to and have them take me seriously or is it because something else...ever had one of those moments when you don't know what to trust...I'm there...
I sound crazy...
