A random smattering. I love the word "smattering"

I love the moments when I am reminded that I am not all alone in this life. My prayers don't go off into space somewhere and float around until luck comes around and my prayer is fulfilled or luck doesn't come around and it isn't. Days like today remind me of that. I'm not even really sure why I felt like this today but all day today I just felt a little bit sad inside. I can't even think of a reason I just felt a little sad and all day I had this almost physical ache for a hug. I've never felt this before so maybe I'm weird and the physical ache was in actuality just my muscles hurting from the intense weight lifting I did yesterday but I kind of think those pains were seperate. Anyway, I didn't really give much thought to it because although I am a very huggy person I haven't had a lot of hugging in my life the last few years and it's something I am used to. I still have certain friends that I am still really huggy with but they are usually the ones I don't see very often (like my Bmore girls.) So I just kind of figured this feeling would pass and all would be well but those feelings did not go unnoticed. Tonight we had a Relief Society Celebration dinner and out of the blue while our Bishop was speaking my friend leaned over and hugged me. At first I was uncomfortable, to no fault of hers, just because as I said hugging has been less common in my life of late. But then I had this spark in my mind that said "You needed a hug, there it was." And I felt better. It was a little thing but something I needed. Anyway, that was just a random thought I wanted to share.

Nate is getting married. I have come to terms with the fact that our friendship will never be the same and although I am sad I am also happy for him. Really happy for him. He is so happy and that really is what I want for my friends. Nate and I have been through a lot together. He took me to my Senior Prom and treated me like a princess while I treated him like a toad and then proceeded to ignore him for 3 months. We shared in the BSE (Best Summer Ever) last summer and the presence of Nate, along with Tom and Heather helped me to figure life out a little more and helped me to figure out the things that I needed to change. He is always a huge support to me and in some situations when something upset me I just wanted to talk to Nate. He is like a big brother and he will listen and give thoughts here and there if appropriate. So, for years I have joked with Nate that I wanted to be his Best Man when he gets married. This joke increased after I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory is her grandfathers best man and she walks into the room dressed in a tuxedo and says "Best man in the house!" Yeah that pretty much wrapped it up for me, I have to be a best man...minus the tuxedo though. When Nate called the other night I jokingly mentioned that I want to be his Best Man and he said okay. haha!! He also said he was going to ask Tom and probably Chris also. I then told him I was going to plan the best bachelor party ever. Ah being a best man is so cool! Anyway, he is getting married in Minnesota which initially made me think that I just wouldn't be able to be there but then I remembered that this year I want to get out there and leave my comfort zone and have new experiences. For most people going to Minneapolis for a wedding isn't a big deal but for me, it's huge. First of all I'll be flying there alone which I have done before but I was always going somewhere that I was familiar with or I was going to be met by someone I knew. The plan is that I will meet Tom (and hopefully Chris and Jenn...) in Minnesota and then we'll hang out and do the wedding stuff then explore for a day after the wedding then I'll fly home. This trip is going to be a new experience for me on many levels. One being that it will be my first time going on an adventure like this one without a family member, with a group of friends in a place we aren't familiar with and because I will (99% sure) be able to attend the temple marriage of one of my friends which is something I have not had the chance to do up to this point. All these new things! Wow! So maybe Minnesota isn't exotic or that far away, and maybe meeting a bunch of friends there and going for a wedding isn't the most adventurous of trips but for me it's huge. I'm not letting fear rule me on this one. Fear of the unknown or any other fear that I will come up with i'm sure. Nate is important to me and being there for his wedding is very important to me. And plus, being able to meet half way (ish) between New York and Utah to hang out with one of my closest friends also doesn't sound like such a bad deal. It would be so amazing if Jenn and Chris came too. Pretty much it would be perfect...I might even forget that we're there for Nate's wedding. ;-) I'm sure more updates will come about this because for a girl like me, this is HUGE. Yay!

Fresh air smells like cow.

I got AWAY this weekend. It was so nice. Chris, Allison and I ran away to Logan this weekend. It was fantastic and I desperately needed it. Chris and Al are the two people I feel the closest to right now and are two people that I feel like I can really be myself around and I needed that this weekend. I had kind of a rough week. In my life (and many others) it is a proven fact that when you are trying to do something good with your life things come your way that are attempts to hold you back. It's when you push through and come out on top that you learn and grow. I should know, I usually don't push through. :) I did this time, don't worry. I'm pretty sure every inadequacy I have came to the surface in my mind this week and it was rough. I spent a lot of time in my room reading The Holy Temple (I needed to finish it by tomorrow and I did! yay!) which gave me less time around people which in turn gave me more time to think. Don't think people. Seriously. Anyway, the point is I needed to get away and we did. We stayed in a motel that we lovingly called "grandma's motel" or something along those lines. It had a duck border...and pictures of ducks (and geese...duck duck duck duck...geese!! heh...I'm HILARIOUS) And the bathroom...wow the bathroom had pink tile and lots of it. The beds were hard as rocks but I ended up sleeping really well anyway. I woke up early to read some more and when I opened the bathroom window after my shower I got a big whiff of "fresh air" if you're Chris...or cow if you're me. I'm never living in a place where the smell of fresh air is in actuality fresh air that smells like cow. I prefer smoggy polluted city air. Just don't take a deep breath when a bus drives by and you'll most likely on some occasions be just fine. :) Now THAT is fresh air. Anyway we didn't do anything exceptional. We did go shopping and dear sweet Chris didn't even hate us for it. We watched a fantastic movie on the Disney channel about double dutch. I love movies like that! And pretty much that was the extent of our time in Logan. But we were away from home and we were together which I'm pretty sure was the point. I had a really great time. This afternoon after we said goodbye to Chris, Allison and I went to see Darcie, my old Mia Maids advisor. Ever since I met Darcie she has been one of those people I just fit with. If I remember correctly we were instantly friends and have stayed that way ever since. We figured out today that I am the age she was when she was my Mia Maids advisor. She had 3 kids...but we won't talk about how I'm behind in that aspect. :) We were able to spend about 2 and a half hours together and I just loved it. I adore her entire family. The kids are so good and I love them so much. They're like my family. I've always wanted to be like Darcie but after today that just increased even more. She is incredibly in tune. She has always known when something was up in my life and when I would hold back. She always knows the exact questions to ask to get you to spill everything (so I usually just end up spilling everything before she asks the questions) and she always has wise advice. Not to mention she is hilarious. I talked to her about the big step I'm about to take and she knew exactly what to say for me. She was so supportive and without saying much she said a ton and I had this feeling of peace when I left that I have been searching for all week. I just love how well she knows me and that she has known me for so long and that we can still be so close. I want to be just like her.

Tonight I went to Kiely's concert and listened to the Singers do their very own special rendition of some Beatles songs. It was fantastic. Afterwards we all went to Ihop because..hi..where else do you go on a Saturday night at 10. While we were at Ihop one of my friends called me a doormat. I will be honest, it hurt. That's something I have worked really hard on especially after another friend told me the same thing a few years ago. After my initial hurt and annoyance at the insensitivity of the statement I got over it because I realized that I know that I'm not. There is a huge difference between being a nice person and being walked all over and I am going for being a nice person. I have a long way to go before I am the person I want to be but at least I know that I am making progress. And I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think and so I'm done with it. It's over.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Not only am I meeting with my bishop again (which is the huge part) BUT it's the big 100 minute "Summit of the Sexes" dating talk. Gee golly I can't wait. I am in a place right now where I am okay that I'm not dating. Nobody freak, I haven't decided that I don't want to get married or anything like that but I am just okay with my life the way it is right now. If I was asked on a date I wouldn't turn them down but I'm not bitter that I'm not being asked out. The dating lesson will definitely be interesting. I am curious to see how much of it really applies to me because these things are usually aimed at the people that actually go on dates so Amy and I have planned to sit in the back and color and text sarcastic messages to each other. Maybe I will learn something. I'm not closing it off completely but I'm also not getting my hopes up. After telling Darcie about it she asked what they wanted to come of it and then suggested that they put names in a hat and everybody draw one and then everyone would have a date. Don't worry she wasn't serious. I know everyone is holding their breath in anticipation. I'll update you don't worry. But now it is time for bed.