"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis

I had no idea, but apparently I am a minority. I had a conversation with my roommate last night that left me utterly disheartened and completely shocked to be perfectly honest with you. I don't know that I completely believe it so if any of you in the world of blog read this and have thoughts do share because I need other outlooks on this one.

Here goes, we were talking about how she and this guy, who is one of my close friends, broke up and about the issues that lead to them making this decision to break up. (They couldn't talk to each other.) She asked me how I became such good friends with him and I just told her that I did the same thing I do with a lot of my friendships. I open myself up to them and then hold on for dear life. Now if you're my friend...and you're reading this...and you hate that I hold on for dear life...I'm not going to apologize because it's something that makes me who I am and as I found out last night who I am may just be kind of unique. Am I making any sense? Here, I'll explain:

My roommate hasn't had a lot of close friendships in her life that's not me judging her, that is her own words. She told me she didn't understand how I could make friends with people and then with some of them end up with really good strong relationships and then keep them. She also didn't understand how one gets into a deep discussion. I told her that you just have to open up. You have to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings about something and then just trust that the person you are sharing those feelings with won't use them against you. I also mentioned that even though there have been people that took those thoughts and feelings that I shared and then ended up hurting me or just plain ripping my heart to pieces as they casually walked away...I don't regret those friendships, sure I wonder if I should have done something differently, but I didn't...so I should be grateful for the experience and for the things I learned from them. Sure, I'm not as willing to open up my heart to friends (new and old) as I once was and that is because I have been hurt but maybe not opening up my heart and letting them in isn't such a bad thing. I told her that so many times people have just either flat out told me, Beth once people are out of my line of vision they just aren't my friends anymore, I don't feel like it's worth it to put forth the effort. Or they have been one of my very closest friends, and then they move away and suddenly they have to be told to call me for me to hear from them at all..and yet I still hold on. I still care about these people. And that is when my roommate told me that she has never known anyone like me. (And I don't think she meant it in a good way.) She told me that she thinks most people are the type to make a friend and drop them 10 minutes later when they aren't convenient anymore. So is it really that odd that I make friends and have these people that are so so close to my heart and I am not willing to let go? And for those of you that are thinking this it, no, I don't think I am living in the past. I think I am holding onto something/someone that is dear to me and that has touched my life and why should I have to say goodbye to them right away? In time we may grow apart but that's not going to stop me from caring in the beginning. Ya know, friends are one of the most important things to me. (not the most important...one of the most important.) And I am not willing to just give up that easily and just not care because it may not work the way I planned, or just stop calling them because they moved out of my apartment complex/ward/state. Why let go if you don't have to? So is it true? Am I a minority? Am I the only one who makes friends and then holds on to them for dear life?

And to my dear friends, sorry if you wish I would let go but you're gonna have to do something horrible and rip my heart to pieces before I will let go (and it still might take me 2 years to fully let go inside) I am grateful for the blessing of friends and I don't want to take that for granted because maybe, just maybe, I won't be so blessed in the future if I'm not grateful. I love my friends and although I may experience heartache as they grow away from me, I still have those small moments, the random phone call or text message that comes and gives me a hint that it is worth hanging on just a little longer. There you have it...my philosophy on friendship....not very philisophical.

*note* i apologize for the run on sentences and poor grammar it's late and I am rushing and don't care enough to go back and fix it...so...deal. :-)

"Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you." -T A Barron

I matter...

Little old Beth Lynn in her little house and her little life in Utah matters.

I know what you're thinking. Um, hi, you're just now realizing it?

Yes...yes I am. A simple somewhat silly conversation with a good friend that involved relationships turned into something that I desperately needed. No he didn't profess his love to me...(thank goodness, he's like my brother!) he taught me a special lesson though.

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking. I worry because people don't say the things to me that I want them to say or sometimes even need them to say because they're being oblivious (i'm not judging..i've done it) I learned a lesson tonight that I have had to learn over and over again in my life and probably will have to learn again as ridiculous as that is.

I matter to my Heavenly Father. He has a plan for me that maybe I don't necessarily see happening how I thought it would. When other people let me down because they don't put forth as much as I put into them, or because they don't have just the right words that I need to hear. My Father in Heaven is there and He does hear me and He knows better then I do what I need. I have to be living worthily of His blessings.

Two of the things I am grateful for today:

A friend who was in tune enough with the spirit to be the mouth that could speak the words I needed to hear because I wasn't listening closely enough to hear it on my own.

And that the great wall that has slowly built up around my heart broke down enough today so that I could feel the pierce of what was said and the truthfulness of it.

That's a big jumble of thoughts right there but if nothing else...they make sense to me.