"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks the future feels so hard and I wanna go back." -Sara GrovesAlright so I think I should just rename this blog "Beth is trying to be okay with change" call it good and stop writing blogs...but really what fun would that be for me?
So for quite awhile I have been trying to be okay with having a smaller group of friends and not having some kind of social activity to do every night or weekend, and I have questioned quite a bit why it had to be this way. I felt like after those things were gone I had nothing else. For all I know my years at Raintree with my amazing friends will quite possibly be the "best" of my "college" years but what is happening now isn't so bad either. I'm learning how to be okay with being alone. I am learning to rely on a more permanent source for strength. I am learning more about myself. If I still had my big group of friends that I hung out with everyday I would probably be too busy being one of the group to figure out what I need in my life and what I want out of life. So, here it is. Those times were great and I learned a ton and had some great experiences and some pretty crappy ones. It's easy to look back and only see the good but there was bad too, and I grew from it. I have realized that those were great times and they helped shape me to be who I am currently and what is happening now will shape me more. Just because that time is over doesn't mean its gone and it meant nothing. I have a lot of incredible people in my life that have touched my life in a way no one else could and even though we don't see each other everyday or even every month we are still there for each other. I think I have realized that a lifelong friend isn't exactly the kind of friend you see everyday, it's the kind that you care about and care about you enough to keep putting forth effort. (You would think having a friend like Joanie who I have never lived in the same place as and is still my best friend would have made me realize this sooner...) Today was amazing and being with a whole bunch of old friends was incredible. I got to spend the afternoon with my old UT pals and the late afternoon/evening with my old Baltimore friends. I felt today like we are all really moving forward...people are married or getting married, buying houses, graduating from college, getting real jobs thousands of miles away, possibly going on missions....etc etc etc. And I felt okay about it. Sure I feel a little sad when I think about Tom leaving at the end of the summer to move to NY or thinking of another friend possibly going on a mission. But at the same time I feel so proud of them. And I am glad they are finding these amazing things in their lives and moving forward. And I'm glad we have had such great experiences together and that we have time to have a few more and even after we are all separated again we've proved the strength of our friendship and it will last. So the point is, the past was amazing, the future is scary, but right now is happening. Life is happening whether I believe it or not...I need to stop waiting for something to happen to mark the beginning of life and just make the most of each day. This is life so I'm going to live it.
