Yeah, that's how I felt when I went back to read my first blog from this year. I can't believe I wrote that a year ago. I also can't believe how different my life is now and yet how similar...I have to say this has probably been the most eventful year of my life thus far. It has left me tired, overwhelmed, confused and really really grateful. I think it might take another year just to recover...
My year in review:
*In January, I decided to move back to Maryland.
*In March, I went to California for the first time since I was a wee little girl. While in California or driving back to UT I had a lot of firsts. Went to see my dad's grave for the first time, stayed in a $5/night hotel room in Primm, NV. Went to Vegas and walked the strip (and realized I hadn't been missing much...), oh and that was the longest roadtrip I had taken that I could remember. (I was too young to remember driving from CA to MD).
*In April I turned 26, I left my job of over 4 years, threw away or gave away most everything I had collected during my 8 years in Utah, packed up what was left, lived with Ben & Brenae for a few days, said goodbye to my family and the people that had become like family for me and drove across the country with Corinnie.
*In May I applied for over 50 jobs in MD and never even got an interview.
*By the end of May I had been offered a job in Utah that I never applied for and never even had to interview for and I decided to take it. I had 2 weeks to return to Utah. According to my Gran, I smiled for the first time in a month.
*June, I caravanned (is that a word?) across the country with my mom and Ames. One of the days I drove for 14 hours...that was a first.
*Also in June I started a new job and was officially homeless.
*Between June and July I lived with my sister, the Harlows, Ben & Brenae and then the Harlows again.
*In July, I bought a Queen size bed and felt very grown up about it.
*In July I also bought a plane ticket to Orlando to visit Rach.
*August I moved into my new apartment in Orem, and just like several people told me, it really is different than Provo and I rarely go to Provo. It's like another world.
*In August I bought a plane ticket on a Tuesday and flew home on a Wednesday to be with my entire family, who was all together for the first time in over 2 years.
*In October I went to Florida for the first time.
*In November I became an Auntie again!!
*And in December, I spent my first Christmas ever away from my mom. Until this year we've always been together on Christmas either in Utah or Maryland. It wasn't as awful as I thought but it also didn't feel like Christmas at all.
My only hope for 2010 (that I'm sharing in this very public place) is that I will somehow recover from everything that I experienced this year and that I will also remember that I know without a doubt that there is a purpose in all of it. It really wasn't a bad year it was just a very full year that left me feeling like I can do pretty much anything...oh I hope that I didn't just jinx myself by saying that.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2010 is filled with growth and happiness for each of you!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Ask and ye shall receive...
It's no real secret that I have felt quite distant from almost everything and everyone lately. I have been going through one of those phases where I just don't feel anything. Now and then I have felt a good strong connection with people but mostly there was nothing. I'm working on things and feeling better about life but still haven't completely figured out the whole feeling thing.
In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.
After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)
I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.
After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)
When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!
In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.
After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)
I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.
After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)
When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!
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