There are few moments in my life when I think to myself, "I wish I had a husband."  I like to think that I'm a pretty independent gal, but even so, those moments still come up.  One did tonight and that has inspired me to make a list of the moments that I have thought that.

-While shoveling the driveway for 40 minutes (as the snow still falls...)
-When dealing with car insurance companies.
-When taking my car to an auto shop of any kind.
-When I had to (past tense, thank goodness) scrape my windows at the crack of dawn. (And maybe only in my dreams would a husband actually get up and scrape my windows at the crack of dawn but hey, a girls gotta dream right?)

But then again, I could get a snow blower, have my mommy call the car insurance company next time, ask my brother in law to go with me to the auto shop and park my car in a garage (done).  Nonexistent pity party over.

About time for Random Thoughts from Beth, right?

Right!  :)

-I was watching an episode of ER (guilty pleasure) last night and after finding out that her husband died a woman had what seemed to be a heart attack.  The doctors realized it was Broken Heart Syndrome.  I looked it up and as you can see, it's real.  I have been thinking about it a lot today.  I've decided that although it does seem kind of crazy I can also kind of understand why it happens.  Either way it's really interesting to me and it has been on my mind.  I've felt heartache before, where it literally feels like physical pain, it's so interesting to me how emotions can affect you physically.

-I realized today that if I put gloves on when my hands are already cold they never get warmer but if I put gloves on when they are already kind of warm they stay warm.  Is this common?  Is this some kind of known rule that I've been missing out on for the last 27 years?  I'm so curious now!

-For the last two weeks my job was rough.  The days were long, stressful, overwhelming and left me in tears almost every day.  When I went to bed last night I was dreading today.  I knew this week would be more chill but I was worried that the constant dread I have felt before going to work each day was going to last.  I've had this feeling with many jobs before, where I didn't want to get out of bed, but had made it 8 months at this job without feeling that once and it scared me.  Once I got to work today it felt normal again.  I am catching up on a lot of things that haven't been done because of some other craziness and I worked until 7 without stopping.  I didn't really have to be there until 7 but the time just passed so quickly and I was happy to be there.  My new boss came out and said, Beth!  I wish there were more hours in the day so I could work more!  And as crazy as it sounds, I agreed with her.  I love having a job that makes a difference in peoples lives.  Even when I sit there doing silly paperwork or talking with employees or filing or anything like that I always have my sweet clients in my head because all of those little things, all of the processes that have been implemented, are there so we can support these amazing people.  And for that, I am grateful.


-I decided today that I don't have enough Amy in my life and I have been wanting to run away for the last two weeks so I'm going to go down south the weekend of January 8th (as long as the weather doesn't interfere).  Anyone want to join me?

-My niece and nephew are the greatest.  I have been thinking about the fun Christmas day I had with them and they just fill my heart with joy!  I love that when Austin opened his present from me he said "no way!" (which was a new found phrase as of earlier that morning) and I love that Emily snuggled on my lap with me off and on throughout the day.  I love that they both climbed up on my lap to read a book resulting in a picture that is quite similar to one taken last Christmas.  I love being their Auntie and I'm so excited that #3 is on the way!  I also love that my sister and brother in law know me pretty darn well and that they let me visit so often.  They're the best!

That sure was random.  :)

Happy Thanksgiving, back.

Every year on Thanksgiving I get that lovely line from You've Got Mail stuck in my head and say it over and over again. Love it!

Happy Thanksgiving friends and family! I love you all! I am grateful to have a family that loves me more than I deserve, friends that see the best in me and support me always, a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and many blessings that I work to be worthy of everyday and am very grateful for. I'm also grateful that in one week I'll be at home with my family!!

I'm off to have an "untradational" thanksgiving with Chris. Our dinner includes Chris' famous tacos, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sausage stuffing and much more. I'm grateful to have the "tradition" of Thanksgiving with my friend. I hope you all enjoy your day! Love to you all!

4:30 AM

4:30 AM has become my least favorite time of day. Without fail every morning at 4:30 I wake up. Some days it I only stay awake for a few minutes and then fall back asleep and some days I stay awake for hours before falling asleep again. I have also been having trouble falling asleep at night. My mind just thinks and thinks and goes over and over every little thing that happened during my day or every little thing that I need to get done at work or every little fear that I have about the future or the present. I agonize over things that I said the day before and worry that I hurt someone or said the wrong thing or didn't take care of something.

I have never had this problem before. I've always been able to fall asleep and stay asleep and I miss it. In part I am grateful that my heart is so invested in so many things that it keeps me up at night, while at the same time it isn't healthy. It makes my temper short and some days my patience non-existent. I've been working on being more positive and seeing the good in every day but a lack of sleep makes it harder.

Everyone cross your fingers that I can sleep again someday.

In other news, I fell in love today. One of the people we support at work came in with his new puppy and I almost died. I don't usually fall in love with dogs so quickly but this one stole my heart in seconds. I couldn't get enough of him! They let me take him out of his carrier and I just sat there and snuggled with him. I can't remember the type of dog he was now but all I know is that he had beautiful blue eyes and soft white fur and it made me want a dog more than I ever have before. Anyone have a puppy that I can cuddle with and then give back??

Fun!

On Friday night Brenae asked all of us when the last time we gut laughed was. We started talking about having fun and "playing" more. The conversation struck me because it is something I have been thinking about for awhile. I remember being in San Francisco with Chris and having a conversation about it. He did a good job of trying to let go and ended up being goofy and dancing around the hotel room while I sat there and could literally feel fear and lack of confidence stopping me from joining in. So it's a new goal for me. I want to enjoy life more. I want to be less serious and find the fun in situations. I want to laugh more and and play more. So this is where my journey to find the fun in life begins.

How do you guys have fun and let go of the seriousness of life? I'd love to hear about it!

I find that ehow.com is full of great ideas. They seem to have an answer to anything that I google. Here is the answer to how you can have more fun in life. :) http://www.ehow.com/how_5684593_fun-improve-life.html

Thank you November!

How about a long one to make up for the last 4 days?

I was just thinking yesterday that November has been awfully kind to me. A lot of my favorite people were born in November and they aren't just your everyday, hey that person is swell, kind of friends. They're the kind I see being around forever. Like old and gray sitting in rocking chairs on the porch talking about "the good old days" kind of friends. The ones that, even though we may not see each other often, I feel a constant connection to. You know the kind? This is my mini-tribute to them. The first birthday of the month was my little niece Emmy but I've already given her an entire post. And here they are, in order by date. Ready? Go!

Heatherfer strangling me while hanging out in our favorite place.

Heatherfer, Heffer, Heatha Lee, Heather Bee Lishop- November 12th- Ah, she's a good one that Heatherfer. Our friendship began because of her mom. It was one of my first days going back to church after several years and her mom came up and said that she couldn't wait for me to meet her daughters because she just knew that we would be friends! Heather is one that I rarely see but when we're in the same state we always make time to get together. There is no awkwardness after months of not seeing each other, just a whole lot of talking and laughing and catching up. I sure love her for that!

Joanie and I making a snow man over Christmas break before she was a wife or a momma.

Joanie-November 14th- She may have less nicknames but that doesn't mean I love her any less. :) Joanie and I met at EFY and grew a long and lasting friendship over many trips to Kings Dominion and Fredericksburg, VA. We had sleepovers galore, drove from state to state visiting friends (still can't believe our parents let us do that...) and ate a whole lot of food. Joanie and I haven't lived in the same state since we were 17 and have never lived closer than an hour or more drive but we have made it work. From visits to Idaho or Utah, a drive to North Carolina over Christmas break or the many drives to Frederick and Baltimore we've kept a friendship that I don't plan on ever losing. :) She's married and a momma now and we don't get to talk much but I love her and I love her insight and I love knowing that we'll always be friends. Maybe someday we can live closer to each other. :)

Al and Conor while painting our living room.

Al, Alley-son-November 14th-Another November 14th? Did I forget to mention that most of these friends were born within a week of each other (in different years of course). Al and I were roommates at The La Hacienda and are roommates once again. I feel like we are the perfect roommates and I'm a wee bit sad that she'll probably be leaving me in the next few months for an eternal roommate but these things happen (especially when you live with me). Al and I have a lot in common, and are also very different. I love her for her willingness to ask me hard questions and to challenge me to be better. We've gone long periods of time without seeing each other or talking but it tends to be pretty normal once we see each other again. I'm grateful to be able to live with Al for a few more months before life changes.

Proof of Chris encouraging me to face fears.

Chris-November 17th-Yup, even my best friend was born in that one week period. See, November is good to me. Chris and I met at the ripe old age of 18 and bonded over the making of enchilada's, roommates that threw tables and an epic (EPIC!, chris) prank war. Our friendship grew after his mission and now I consider him like family. We've gone on many adventures, including San Diego, Vegas, San Francisco and Gaithersburg. We've had our moments and our difficult times but we've always come out of it and usually stronger. He has the ability to make me laugh even when I don't want to, he encourages me to do things that I'm afraid of, I have told him things that I don't see myself sharing with anyone else. I feel like I can be myself around him and although I have walls that prevent me from being perfectly confident in things he proves to me again and again that he won't ever look down on me for feeling a certain way. When I look at where our friendship started and look at it now all I can say is, I'm grateful. We've been through a lot, a lot of things have changed, we have changed as people and we have gone through a lot of difficult personal times but our friendship has lasted and gotten better along the way. This poor boy is stuck with me for the long haul. :)

Sassy and Uncle Tommy-November 26th-Thank you November for giving me an Aunt and Uncle. :) They're pretty great. You probably wouldn't guess that they are twins upon meeting them because they couldn't be more different. Some people think it's odd that I'm so close to my Aunt. Our family is weird like that though. She's a fun aunt and a loving and involved aunt. Sometimes this might mean that she's a worry-filled aunt as well. :) We're pretty lucky to have her. As for Uncle Tommy, I was afraid of him until about 6 months ago (ok...maybe a few years) but I'm finding that he's just a big joker and a loving guy. I may have ruined "the big game" the day that I was born but I think at least part of him was glad I was here. :) I'm excited to see them both when I go home in a few weeks!

Aunt Debby-November 28th-Sad that not having facebook to remind me made me forget my Aunt Debby. My apologies! I always love seeing my Aunt Debby and going to their house. Christmas without going to their house never feels right to me. A few years ago I had to fly back to Utah on Christmas and everyone (especially me) was so sad that I had to leave before the festivities really began. Much to my joy the flight was overbooked and I was able to fly home the next day. I loved walking back into Aunt Debby and Uncle Tommy's house and hearing all the joyful sounds. It felt like Christmas for real at that point. Have I mentioned that Aunt Debby is also a wonderful cook? I want to be like her someday!


Corinnie, Rin, Wee Wee-November 30-Corinnie was one of my first roommates and things started out a little bumpy. Then out of the blue over Christmas break we realized we missed each other and talked for several hours on the phone. Ah, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Corinnie is one of my favorites and I love our phone dates. (I hate that we have to have phone dates but busy lives call for such things.) After traveling with Corinnie I decided that either SHE is the perfect traveling companion or it's just that a former roommate is the perfect traveling companion. We spent 5 days together 24/7 (even had to share a bed) and never fought. We both had frustrating moments, mostly due to getting lost on a regular basis and we just knew when to leave each other alone. It was perfect. Corinnie was with me on the horrendous drive across the country when I moved back to Maryland. It was long, and I was sad and very much lost in my thoughts most of the time but we still managed to have fun and come out of it still friends! Go us! Corinnie and I laugh lots when we are together and she is a fantastic listener. We can always count on each other for a good rant too. I'm sure that we'll be friends for many years, we have to be because we have many more Boston trips planned. (We have a 5 year plan, it's serious!)

Random

I get to see my momma in less than a month. The thought of that makes me all sorts of happy. I haven't been home in almost a year and a half and I haven't seen my mom since the beginning of the year sometime...March maybe? That's far too long in my opinion.

Sleep is calling me. This whole blogging everyday thing is harder than I remember but then again maybe I'm busier this time around. I really like being busy and I like that I'm learning new things every day. Never a dull moment.

I've worked with my best friend for the past 6 months. Although we have had some hard times, I count myself lucky. He taught me many things that I don't think I ever would have been trained on otherwise and he has been a great support on hard days.

We broke down and turned the heat on today. I don't know if I feel good about it or not. I guess I'll know how I feel when we get the gas bill.

I am having dinner with my roommate, her boyfriend and another couple on Thursday. It's funny how I can hang out with the Ben, Brenae, Lora and John and feel like I belong and how I can think about this dinner and think nothing but "5th wheel 5th wheel 5th wheel." I'm sure it won't be like that but the fear is always there.

I haven't been sleeping the best lately. It annoys me. Thank goodness for Allison's laptop. I have been falling asleep to Gilmore Girls episodes. It's the only way I fall asleep. I should probably give it back sometime though.

Speaking of things I should probably do...time to get ready for bed.

Where have I been?

Have you guys seen this?


I don't know about you but I thought kids these days were still jamming out to the original (I mean with gems like Zoot Suit Riot and Barbie Girl and MMMBop why wouldn't they be?!) But they're on #36 now?!? This is crazy! The worst part is that I just listened to a few of the songs and don't know most of them. I'm becoming an old woman! I need to start listening to the radio STAT.

Now, my question is, what happened to Jock Jams? Now THAT was quality music. You can buy the "audio cassette" here if you are missing the old days...It's $4 for used or $6 for new (new?!).

This is for you sister. I remember listening to this over and over again when we were teenagers.

Do you guys read Nie Nie's blog? She inspires me a whole lot so if you don't read it you should check it out along with this mormon messages video that shares her story.

Today when I was checking my reader I found a new post on Nie's blog. She posted a video of her husband singing with Mindy Gledhill and for some reason it brought a whole lot of joy to my heart. So today I want to share it.

Life is a blessing, enjoy the small moments.

I missed a day but it was worth it! :) I was busy playing with my niece and nephew and Maya and hanging out with my sister and Lora and Ben. It was a lovely 24ish hours and a needed "get away". If you can call it that.

This past week was hard and draining and it's making this whole blogging every day thing a real challenge. I guess it's a good reminder that life isn't perfect but with a little faith you can do anything. I'm trying to be a little bit stronger. I'm trying not to think too much or regret too much. I'm trying to make the most of my weekend and see what Monday brings. Hopefully it will bring goodness but if not, I know where to find the strength that I need. Now if only this pit in my stomach and ache inside of me will just go away I'll be all set! I just need to remember that I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best and so is everyone else.

Today I'm thankful for my Emmy who was super cuddly and lovey with me today. She has no idea how much I needed it. I'm grateful to Austin for playing the "hittin' game" (where we ram cars into each other and then laugh really hard) and to my sister for letting me sleep in her bed after I got carsick and to Jerr for grilling really yummy hot dogs and to Lora for distracting me from life and being an amazing friend and to Ben for letting me stay at his house and making steak and egg burritos for breakfast. And for lots more...

So You Think You Can...

Dance!!!

I went to their show tonight and it was so great! For all you SYTYCD fans, I'll share the highlights!

-Robert (doi)
-If you watch the show and remember the betrayal dance that Neil and Kent did and loved it...well, you missed out because Kent and Robert danced it together tonight and it was incredible!



-Russell, Dominick and Jose dancing together. It was amazing! And so funny! I think the producers made the right choice letting Dominick go on tour he added a lot of humor that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

(Found a video of it on youtube!)


-The group Bollywood dance. It was so fun!
-The group Disco dance, ALSO so fun!



-Robert and Allison's Fix You. Maybe it is because I'm super emotional today or maybe it's because that dance touches me but I cried a whole lot. It was beautiful.
-Kent and Lauren's prom dance going directly into the My First Kiss dance (which was originally danced by Kent and Anya) It was so fun!



-Lauren and Russell doing My Chick Bad...Russell doesn't hold a candle to Twitch but it was a fun dance to see again.

Oh and I can't forget, they showed a video of Alex and Twitch's hip hop. I love it every time.

There was tons more and it was all amazing but those were my favorite parts! And for your viewing pleasure, a video or two.

(They won't let me embed these...how about some links! :)


Fix You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TsR1yiAe9g

Twitch & Alex
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLtSfYX8tJk


Some of the first videos were other people's recordings so they aren't great but there it is!! Going was worth every penny and I'm so glad I got to go!

1??

My niece is 1 today! I kind of can't believe it! I'll be honest, I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to love another niece or nephew as much as I love Austin but sweet Emmy proved me wrong. I guess your heart really does grow! :)

I don't get to spend as much time with those two kiddos as much as I would like BUT there are some things that I super love about Emmy!

I love that when she smiles her ENTIRE face lights up.
I love that she can be super friendly and walk around saying hi to people that she doesn't know and that she can also be shy and cuddle up to her mommy and daddy.
I love that she recognizes my voice when she hears it on the answering machine.
I love that she makes a funny breathing noise when she's excited.
I love that she is getting old enough to remember me and will come to me with no reservations (and very very very occasionally will choose for me to hold her instead of her mom...it's rare).

I love that she is a fiery little thing. She may be the second child but she makes her presence known.
I love getting her out of her crib and holding her when she first wakes up. She is always happy to see you and she can be really cuddly too.

Happy Birthday Emily Mae! I love you!

Auntie Beff

Life

Today life kind of distracted me from the idea of blogging. For years I have been wanting to be busy and to feel fulfilled and it makes me so happy when I get home at night feeling like I had a great day filled with hard work, good people and a little bit of relaxation too. I come home at night to a place that feels like home. I have a roommate that is the best "fit" I could imagine for my life where it is right now. I have a job that, although busy and sometimes stressful, I can't wait to go to the next morning. I live close to a real city and I absolutely love the location. I have great friends and have tons of fun with them. I work with people that teach me how to love more than I knew was possible. I am in a very small ward and it reminds me that my presence there matters. I can make a difference and make some great friends too.

Is life perfect? Of course not. Do I complain more than I should? Definitely. When life gets hard or overwhelming these days the best thing to me is that when I stop and think about things all I can feel is gratitude. Now I just hope that I can do everything I can to keep this feeling no matter what happens around me. I was reminded of this when someone spoke in church and shared a story from high school. He said that his institute teacher asked them if they felt like their lives would end if their girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with them or if they couldn't play their favorite sport or if they lost a friend. He told them that if they did feel that way their lives weren't based on the right thing. When I put my trust in the Lord I know I can feel stronger in any situation than I would if I wasn't.

This is a huge jumble of thoughts, but really what's new? I think I'll go read Harry Potter now. :)

Dedicated to Corinnie

I've been thinking lately that it might be fun to do another month long blog-a-thon and that idea is becoming a reality because of Corinnie. Yesterday she wrote on my facebook that I need to update my blog more often. So Corinnie, I dedicate this month of blogging to YOU! (Could you ask for a better birthday present? I'm so generous, I know.) I will do my very best to post every day. It's kind of fun being an every day blogger. Life suddenly becomes more interesting and I have more moments of "I could blog about this" than I do when I'm not thinking about blogging.

Can't wait to see what this month has in store for my life! :)

Eat meat sparingly.

Tonight I went down south for FHE with the Tanners and Hulberts. Many months ago Lora and I had the grand idea that we would like Ben to teach us how to grill meat. We never did anything about this idea until last week when we planned a meat grillin' good time. We each brought meat (or pumpkin muffins in my case...) and Ben showed us how to season and grill it to perfection. Tucanos could close down tomorrow and I wouldn't care. They've got nothin' on Ben's grilling skills. We had tuna (so so good), boneless pork ribs (cooked two different ways with bbq sauce on them), chicken (marinated by the lovely Lora) and steak (my favorite, the tuna was a close second).

I will direct you to what I am sure will be a wonderful blog post about this evening once Lora writes her blog. She took lots of pictures and she's just a fabulous blogger. :)

I'm so glad that after a somewhat long day I was able to go and spend time with my friends that have a way of always lifting me up. When I lived close by I called the Tanners house my safe place. No matter what is going on in life I always feel completely safe and peaceful there. I hope that I will be able to have that same spirit in my home someday.

It was, by no means, a bad day it was just a tense day for me and I left with a happy and grateful heart. The weather was perfect, the food delicious and the company exactly what I needed. I laughed until I cried and I learned some stuff too! I love when that happens.

And then I drove home and rocked out to my favorite car song (of late). No pictures in this post, so enjoy a video. :)

Today I made Pumpkin Bread

This is how it went.

Start putting sugar in bowl, spill sugar.
Put eggs in bowl to beat, drop entire egg shell in eggs.
Take out applesauce (to replace oil) notice mold on applesauce (really?! it's not that old!)
Open cupboard to take out oil, accidentally hit open bag of chocolate chips.
Spill half bag of chocolate chips on counter and floor.
Don't move bag of chocolate chips off of counter while picking up spilled chips.
Knock over bag and spill more chocolate chips.
Add oil to eggs and sugar, drop spoon in mixture.
Add pumpkin mixture and spill some.
Mix dry ingredients together (no spilling or dropping, miracle?)
Add dry ingredients to pumpkin mixture. Mix.
Turn to get water, drop spoon into pumpkin mixture.
Get new spoon add water, add rest of dry ingredients then more water.
Add chocolate chips & leave left overs on top of hot oven.
Spray loaf pan and muffin pan. Pour batter into loaf pan (success!!)
Use measuring cup to pour batter into muffin pan.
While trying to stop spoon from falling into batter drop measuring cup (handle first, of course) into batter. (Oh, and don't worry the spoon still fell into the batter)
Put muffin and bread pans in oven (thank goodness!)
Get tupperware to store leftover pumpkin, drop lid into left over batter.
Turn to wipe down stove, notice chocolate chips on top of very hot stove.
Pick up bag, look inside, notice 1/4 bag of melted chocolate chips.

All I have to say is, this bread better be DELICIOUS.

***Just went to check on bread, loaf pan slipped and was tilted to the side, almost spilling contents on bottom of oven.

Moving! Again!

I'm aaaall about the change these days. Nothing hugely drastic this time but, a good change! I'm moving again! For a girl that hates moving I sure have done a lot of it in the last year! I really love having my own place but have not once felt at home here. I never finished unpacking and I never hung anything on my walls. No matter how hard I tried it has felt temporary. My former roommate Allison and I are in the same ward and a senior missionary couple that is serving in our ward told us that they are looking to rent out the other half of their duplex in October. It has 3 bedrooms and lots of storage and a 2 car garage. I quite like it and the price can't be beat! I'm excited to have so much space and to share it with just one person. Allison and I got along great when we lived together before and although we both feel ready to be out of the roommate situation we also both feel that this is the right move and that it will work out well. If I have to have a roommate Allison is a great one to have. Anyway, I plan to make this new place feel like home and actually have people over. :) I'll be moving sometime next month. The best part is that it's just around the corner! Nooow...who wants to help me move again? haha! ha! ha...ha. Yeah, don't worry I'm going to try to do this move as independently as possible (that's a note to my lovely friends that helped me last time.)

As a quick update I just want to say that I love my life right now. I'm busy, involved in my ward, loving (loving loving loving) my job, spending time with great friends and making new friends. I feel, once again, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Life isn't perfect but it is pretty great! I enjoyed my last job and am really grateful for the timing of it and all that I learned but I can't ignore the fact that when I imagined my life a year from when I started I felt dread at the thought of still working there. I don't feel that way here. I feel so fulfilled and have so much love for the people we support and I feel so passionate about helping. I don't want to jinx myself or anything, but I can see myself in this field for a long time to come. (cross your fingers that a month from now you won't see a blog about me changing my job...ugh) Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell!

Me.

Sometimes I am crazy. I really am. I act a certain way and afterward I think "Who was that??" The people that are closest to me see it far more than they deserve and yet most of the time they ignore that it even happened and love me anyway. I was crazy this morning, to someone that I work with that doesn't know me at all. I felt crazy on the inside this afternoon when I expressed something that really may not make sense to other people but in me is a very real feeling. I didn't express it in a crazy way but I feel guilty that I feel this way. I had a fun night tonight and was very grateful to my dear friend for helping to make up for what I missed out on today by saving it for tonight. Unfortunately I was very much lost in my thoughts most of the night because of these two occurrences and many of my thoughts kept going back to the fact that we all have our "things". We all have our moments of crazy and although they are expressed in different ways they happen to everyone. I need to learn to love all of me, even my "quirks" (or "the crazy" as I've been calling it today). I need to be willing to love myself and see beyond my crazy like I do, willingly much of the time, for others.

Me:

-I don't handle sudden change well, but once I have had time to adjust I can usually go with most things.
-I have anxiety and just because I'm afraid to come home at night because I'm convinced my house will be covered in roaches when I get there or just because I have many other seemingly irrational fears that doesn't mean I am wrong to feel that way. Someone told me once that if it's important to me it is important to someone. I remind myself of that every time I say "It doesn't matter" or "it's not important".
-I am often hurt because I fear, or find, that people I care about deeply don't care about me as much, but I still go into most relationships willing to give my all.
-Sometimes I am hurt by people I love, but I still allow myself to love.
-Sometimes I am told that I care too much, but I still allow myself to care.
-I am high strung at times. I like a plan, I like to know what is coming and I like communication. These are all things that aren't always present in my life or job but even when it's difficult oftentimes not having those things also make my life and job more enjoyable. It may take me 15 minutes or an hour or more to adjust but I always try to find the good in the situation.
-I may worry that I'm not doing my best, and because of that I may follow rules to the "t" but those things make me feel secure in my job and in my life (but mostly in my job.)
-I care what people think about me and I hate it. (Still trying to find the good in that one)
-There are things about myself that I fear or am ashamed of and in some cases I have never said those things out loud to anyone.
-Sometimes I am a jealous person but 99% of the time I don't allow myself to act on those feelings.
-I crave quality time with my friends but I also like to be told that I am important to them. I wish I didn't care but I do.

I pretty much just put a lot of things I don't like about me out there, but it is good for me to lay things out and get to know me a little better. I want all (2) of you to know that I know I am sometimes overtaken by the crazy but that I'm also trying really hard to balance it with some goodness. I care about people. I care about organization and communication. I love even when I know I will probably end up hurt. I also see all of these things in my friends and family and believe I have learned much of it because of their examples. (The good stuff that is)

When the people I am closest to love me despite my weaknesses I am encouraged. This note from a friend on my facebook is what gave me the strength to write this post:

"you're normal...and when you do that...you remind us that superwoman is human too. thanks for being human."

I don't think of myself as "superwoman" but I am incredibly grateful to know there are people in my life that do.

On myyyy own...

It's late so this is just going to be a picture heavy post (mostly for my family). I got the key to my apartment today and took a few pictures while I was there. Warning, it's not as ghetto as the pictures make it look. Yes the carpet in the living room is...well barely carpet and a little stained and yes the tiles in the bathtub are ancient and yes the kitchen is small but there are very lovely things about it and once I clean the carpets, scrub the kitchen & bathroom and move my stuff in I think it will be just right, if for no other reason than it is my apartment and I don't have to share it. The living and bedroom are both very big and the kitchen has a full size stove and refrigerator. More than I can say for all of the other apartments I could afford on my own. :) Enjoy the pictures and come visit so you can see that it really isn't so bad. :)

This is the fireplace in the living room!

The front door and a window that is in desperate need of curtains.

The teeny tiny kitchen. BUT it has a dishwasher and a window. I love having a window in the kitchen. It doesn't happen enough in apartments.

There are two closets this size in the hall and in the bedroom!

My very own bathroom. No more waiting in line to shower or wearing my hair up because I can't finish getting ready!
Part of my bedroom. (or just a picture of wall and carpet...) Obviously I got bored of pictures at this point. There is a window on the right wall and the left wall is all closet!

Blessings of Service

I have the opportunity to give a talk in church this Sunday. As I try to figure out which direction to go with my talk I have read some incredible talks. One of which is called Service, a Divine Quality by Elder Carlos H Amado. To be honest I would like to just stand up there and read this talk because it gives me goosebumps. The talk is short but powerful. There is one section that I just keep reading again and again and I want to share it.

I know that the Savior came to this earth and lived a perfect life. He is our perfect example and I want, more than anything, to emulate His light. The Savior never stopped serving and I have made covenants to do the same. It is so easy for me to say I'm too tired or too busy or too overwhelmed and feel justified in going home to lay on the couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance instead of going to visit someone who has been on my mind or to invite that person over that I know might drain my energy but could use a friend. I get caught up in the "thick of thin things". I also know what it feels like to genuinely put my whole heart into loving and serving others and that feeling is one that is worth the effort. SYTYCD may make me happy for 2 hours but being a blessing in someones life brings joy. (To both people, I would know, I have the greatest people in my life that serve me endlessly. Although at times it is difficult to accept, I am always filled with joy.) (PS this doesn't mean I'm going to stop watching SYTYCD but it does mean I'm going to use my time wisely.) Ok, now the quote that I wanted to share. It's long but, in my opinion, worth reading.

"Blessings of Service

I testify that through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord.

Service makes us strong in our faith and useful in His kingdom. Service gives us purpose and courage in life. It brings us closer to God and helps us refine our divine nature. It teaches us to love and understand our fellowmen, and it helps us forget about our personal desires, eliminating selfishness, pride and ingratitude. It teaches us to think of the needs of others, which allows us to develop the virtues that the Savior possesses.

Kindness, love, patience, understanding and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow.

Those who serve will always seek to please God and live in harmony with Him. They will be full of peace; they will have a cheerful countenance and a spirit of kindness.

Those who serve will strive to ennoble, build, and lift their fellowmen; therefore, they will find the good in others, and they will not find reason or have time to become offended. They develop the virtue of praying for those who criticize. They don't expect recognition or reward. They possess the love of Christ.

Those who serve will always be willing to share what they possess and what they know at all times, in all places and with all people.

Those who serve even in adversity will maintain a living hope of a better future. They will continue to be firm in the midst of a crisis because their hope is in Christ.

Those who serve will accept their assignments with humility, recognizing their limitations but convinced that two people can do all things they propose to do as long as one of the two people is God.

With divine inspiration, King Benjamin declared, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" (Mosiah 2:17). Those who serve will have greater understanding of the personality and attributes of God.

Those who serve with devotion, even when things don't turn out the way they would like, are not easily discouraged, fatigued, or frustrated because the promise of peace of mind and the companionship of the Holy Spirit will never abandon them." -Elder Carlos H Amado

I know that what Elder Amado says is true. When I am lost in selfless service, no matter what comes my way, I am filled with hope, faith and a love for my Savior, my Father in Heaven and for His children. Service will heal anything that is broken because "through serving our fellowmen we come to know the Lord."

She has a name!

I feel it is very important to name cars. I spend a lot of time in my car, especially now that I have a 35-40 min commute to and from work every day so why not name her, right?

The day I bought her I had several suggestions for names and one just stuck. I liked it immediately the first time I heard it and it continues to last. It is only right that my Gran named my car because my old car (Ruby) used to belong to Gran and I named that car. The other day when my Gran called she asked me how my car was doing and called it by the name that she suggested from the beginning and it just sounded right!




And so, dear blogosphere, her name is Blossom! It fits don't ya think?

Of course, when I hear blossom I think of a flower. A white cherry blossom to be exact. (that's where Gran got the idea)


But I think my lovely little Blossom will forever and always make me say "Whoa!!" and think of another Blossom.




In other news, life is great. I feel happy and I feel like I am just where I need to be right now. Not to say that life doesn't have it's challenges but I am able to see much more good than bad these days. I love waking up later. I love that I can have a whole day before I have to be to work (ok, maybe not a whole day but I get so much done that it feels like it.) I have only had one full day of real work but so far I really like it. I am blessed and I couldn't be more grateful.

My pal Shandy shared this video with me and, I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting much since I'm not a huge fan of British TV shows or movies but it cracked me up and I felt it was only right to share.




I'm taking notes. I plan to react similarly when the day comes for me. :)

I love how life is full of surprises. Pretty much all of the time I pray for things or for guidance and the answer isn't what I expected. You'd think I would have learned by now but I am being reminded, once again, that there is a great big plan that is always in the works and it is far better than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

Almost exactly a year ago I packed up my life, said goodbye to family and friends and drove across the country to start a new life. A month and a half later I was back in Utah with a great job, great apartment (after that period of homelessness), a great ward and a huge blank in any ideas that I had for my future. I thought I had my future figured out when I moved to Maryland but there was much more in store for me. Moving away from Utah and then coming back is probably one of the best things I ever could have done. Although moving across the country twice was expensive and draining emotionally I needed a clean start. I needed to leave behind all of the things that were holding me back and start again.

My new job gave me that, I met some amazing people, was able to learn some new skills, worked with a good friend from a former job and was able to get experience in the field that I went to school for, not to mention I got to plan parties for the company. It also gave me the confidence to work with co-workers and customers and to expand my communication skills. I expected to be at that job for a long time. I started trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life to continue growing. School made the most sense so I filled out financial aid paperwork and I started to pray about my options. For months I felt like it wasn't right. I didn't understand how going to school could be a bad thing but I just didn't feel it so I waited and kept praying about what was next. And then last week happened.

Chris told me about a job that he wanted me to apply for but had just been filled. I was disappointed but couldn't stop thinking about it, after further discussion I found that he couldn't either. We both kind of felt like things wouldn't work out with the person that was hired. Fast forward to Sunday night when Chris asked for my resume. The person that was hired didn't work out and they were doing more interviews. I got a call on Monday and had an interview on Tuesday. After the interview I didn't feel like it went well so I tried to get myself to stop thinking about it because I was POSITIVE that they didn't want me. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to be able to move to the city and have a new start but I also reminded myself that I have a great job and I work with great people and I can go to school and figure things out. By Thursday I had practically forgotten that the opportunity had existed at all until I got a phone call. I didn't answer because I had a feeling it was the person I interviewed with and I wanted him to just leave me a message telling me that I didn't get it. I'm all about avoidance. :) I was a bit shocked when the message said "Hey, give me a call..." By 10am I had accepted the job offer and by Thursday night everything was clicking.

I'm sure it has happened to everyone, that moment when you think about the previous weeks (or months or years) and the light bulb flicks on and it seems to make sense. It's known as an "Ah ha moment" for a good reason. I won't go into all of the things that now make sense for me but I will say that it makes sense and there is a plan.

So, in 2 weeks I will begin working near the city and in a few months after my housing contract is up I will be moving there. I am grateful it isn't happening all at once (Gradual change is better for me :) But more than anything I'm grateful that this is happening at all. I look forward to a job that will be a challenge for me and will hopefully help me to grow even more. I look forward to moving out of the county that has been my home for almost 9 years. I'm nervous about all of it but how will I ever grow if I don't do things that challenge me? I don't know what is in store for me in the coming months and years but I do know, without a doubt, that there is a plan for my life and it has been laid out by someone much more wise than I will ever be. My knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me, really really knows ME is growing more and more every day. It's true for everyone and that fills my heart with joy and gratitude. I have been given so much and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I am worthy of those blessings.

Today...

I feel really grateful. It's been kind of an up and down week but I am coming out on top. A conversation I had last week kind of sent me into a tailspin of emotion and instead of hiding in my dark place and staying there I've fought to see the good in my life. It's something I should always do but I'm weak and I don't. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm grateful and I want the world to know it!

I bet you're dying to know what I'm grateful for...

*Prayer. I have felt the power of prayer so strongly this week. I've felt answers to my prayers come and I have felt strength from the prayers of the people that know that I'm a bit of a basket case this week.

*Beautiful spring days. Although I know that spring in Utah is crazy and all over the place I can't help but be filled with happiness about the sunshine and warmth. I don't have any windows in the front office where I work but it still feels lighter.

*The sun coming up when I leave for work at 6:35am. No more dark mornings for a few months! Hurrah!

*My sister. She's great, seriously. And her kids. Being at their house makes me happier than I can express. The good chats, and those cute smiles and little snuggles from Austin & Emily warm my heart.

*Lora, Rachel & Chris. This list could go on forever if I listed all of the friends that I am grateful for but this week I am especially grateful for these 3. (As I am pretty much always...) Lora helped to keep me distracted from my brain that wouldn't stop and also let me talk talk talk and cry as much as I needed. Not to mention the weekly lunches that are seriously as good as (if not better than) therapy. Rachel, who always knows when I need to hear from her, always listens, always makes me laugh and who understands the inner workings of my brain with little or no explanation. And Chris, who listens to me cry even when he has had a bad day too, makes time to hang out even when he isn't feeling especially social (I always leave feeling happier than I did when I got there, it's kind of a talent that he has), gives me fantastic advice, knows much of what I'm feeling just because he knows me that well (kind of scary), and makes me laugh on a very regular basis (Diddly Wack Mack Mormon Daddy?).

*Random chats on google, MSN & facebook with people that I love. The chats brighten my day and help me to miss my friends less. (Hi Corinnie, Ames & Jeanne! <3) style="font-style: italic;">not grateful that I miss them so much. :)

*Have I mentioned sunshine yet?

*Plans for a belated birthday dinner with my friend Andrea tonight.

*Having plans for the weekend with friends from my ward. Can you believe it?! Elf/Christmas in April party on Friday night and a New Moon party on Saturday (don't worry we will be watching the rifftrax version...muuuch better that way. I bet I won't even fall asleep)

*Cafe Rio & American Idol with my roommate.

*My home teachers. They're fantastic! I feel like they actually care about me and aren't just coming to fulfill a duty.

*Purpley blue shirts like the one I'm wearing today.

*Being able to see all of the good in my life even when I physically ache for something different. (I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have felt a physical ache because of a desire for more...it doesn't happen often but when it happened recently I was immediately able to see that my life is great right now too. Live in the moment& stop wishing for more Beth!!)

Ok I'll stop there ...I know this was probably one of those cheesy "did she really just do that?" kind of posts but...who am I trying to impress?!

Oh and here is a picture of one of my favorite little smiles.

Random thoughts...

*I listen to Pandora once in awhile and I always love when I choose a station and it is perfect. It plays tons of music that I love. One of the main reasons I love it is because it makes me feel validated. I've been teased many times when making quizzes about how well people know me that it should actually be called "How well do you know Beth today". This has made me think that perhaps I don't know myself very well or perhaps I'm not very passionate about things. So, when I chose the Ingrid Michaelson station on Pandora and a bunch of artists that I love and listen to regularly were also on that station I felt like maybe I know one thing for sure about myself. I know the kind of music I like and Pandora is the validation I need that I do, in fact, have a style of music that I enjoy the best. Whew, that was harder to explain than I expected.

*This goes along with part of the last point that I made. A few months ago my lovely former roommate Kiely came to visit. We went to The Chocolate with Laura and then I drove Kiely home afterwards. We ended up talking in the car for a long time and we discussed many deep things which is what we tend to do when we are together. One of the things I told her was that I am afraid that I don't know myself very well. I feel like I've been in a fog for years so it makes me wonder if I've missed out on a large part of the growing up process. I'm not sure if that is necessarily the case but I've started paying closer attention to the things I do and do not like. Kiely and I also decided we would share things with each other when we figured something out that we knew for sure we liked or didn't like. Here are a few of mine: I like the color red, I like green bananas, I love rice, it is very important to me that my clothes smell fresh etc. Random? Yes, but they are things that I am sure about.

*We all have pet peeves, want to hear some of mine? I knew it. Gum chompers/snappers/poppers. I can't stand it. I think it's obnoxious and completely unnecessary. I'm sorry if you are one of them, don't worry I won't tell you if you are. I'm pretty good at ignoring it most of the time. Another is when someone asks me a question and then very clearly doesn't listen to the answer. I'm not talking about "What's up?" (which is another pet peeve) but something that very clearly is looking for a response. I hate when I'm half way through the answer and realize the person isn't listening. The best part is when you stop dead in the middle of the answer and never finish and they don't notice. I won't be offended if they don't ask the question so please don't do me any favors! (I only complain about this here because I know that the person that does this the most won't be reading this.)

*Another thing that I have been wanting to blog about for a long time is respect, specifically respect from guys. I have been thinking about this for months but it isn't enough alone so it is perfect for a random thoughts post. I have to say that in my life I have been surrounded by the most respectful guys. I've had some opportunities to watch guys that I am not friends with and see their actions and it has made me so grateful for the respect that I have received. Not only in the way I am spoken to but in the way I am treated. I know for a fact that if I was ever carrying a lot of stuff (or even a little) and one of my pals saw me they would help me carry it or at least open a door for me. I know that they would never speak of inappropriate things in my presence, not because they don't think I can handle it but because they respect me. I also know that they are that way with all women because they respect them and for that I am grateful. I'm grateful that my first experience (on a regular basis) with disrespectful guys is as an outsider watching it happen. I'm glad that I know that I can demand respect because there are people that will give it. That isn't the most complete thought but there it is!

*My elbow hurts. It has been hurting ever since my car accident but seriously, how did I hurt my elbow?! It wasn't that hard of an impact and the only thing I can think is that I held tight to the steering wheel and locked my arms when I was trying to stop when the girl hit me but I really don't see how my elbow could be hurting from it. I can still bend it but there are times when it hurts pretty bad (mostly when I'm sleeping). I'm sure it will go away, all of the other aches and pains I had have slowly gotten better. But c'mon, that's just random right?

Thanks for reading friends. I hadn't blogged in so long but I kept thinking of random things I wanted to express and this was the best way I could think to do it. :)

I bought a car!

Isn't she cute?! I never thought I would own a white car but I love it.

This car has so many fancy little things, including built in bluetooth! I called my family immediately after buying the car and I'm already sold on the coolness of not having to hold a cell phone.

After a very long week or so I just bought a car! I didn't realize how difficult it would be to decide. I was so afraid that I would make the wrong choice but after I drove this lovely car on Thursday and then again on Friday and didn't feel like throwing up (for the first time in a week) I knew she was the one. It's a she. No name yet but I am taking suggestions! So far Pearl & Blossom are on the list (Thank you Sassy and Gran!).

I have been an emotional wreck this week because of this car junk. I like things to be planned and I like to know what is going to happen and this has been a week of what ifs. SO, to the incredible people in my life. THANK YOU! Thank you Allison, Ben, Chris and Sarah for car shopping with me. Thank you to Ben for not getting annoyed with me for my constant questions. Thank you to Carrie and Brian for the car suggestions (I bought the Versa because of Brian!) Thank you especially to Sarah, Chris, Sassy and my Mom for dealing with random phone calls at all hours asking for advice, crying or just plain whining. (And thank you for answering even though you knew that was what you would be dealing with) Oh and my boss has been amazing as well. She helped me understand insurance stuff, interest rates and made decisions for me when I didn't feel like it. (She's the one that decided that I would just let them total my car and not sell it to a guy at work. I'm so glad I did.)

Oh, and Carmax is awesome.

I feel like blogging. And I think about it a lot. But nothing ever comes of it. Either the thoughts are too personal or too boring or too incomplete. So I just don't write.

What is on my mind right now? Shoes. My favorite shoes have so many holes in the bottom that when I stepped in the grass yesterday I felt dirt go into them and had to take them off to empty the dirt out. I'm kind of pathetic. I know I should stop wearing them but I love them and we all know how hard it is for me to find shoes that fit AND that I love. Someone want to submit my patheticness to "What Not To Wear" So that they can buy me lots of expensive things?

I know you're all dying to see the shoes. The shoes that have stolen my heart. So I'll share, because I'm kind like that.

I Like:

Tasha by Walking Cradles

Oh and don't forget about these. I want them in black and bronze because metallics are considered neutral (Guess who learned that on What Not To Wear).

I Like:

Dyan by Fitzwell

So, there you go. One thing that is on my mind that I actually feel like I want to share in a public place.

My birthday happens to be in a month and 2 days. I accept gifts (such as darling red shoes in size 13). (Ok if you know me at all you know that I don't actually mean that. I struggle when people give me gifts. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I won't show enough gratitude even when I really like the gift. I feel like I will never be able to repay them. And yet I sure love giving gifts. I'm such a hypocrite.)

Out of the haze

For the past few weeks I have been feeling like I'm coming out of a haze that I have been lost in for a long time. As I shared some of the experiences leading up to this "escape" my lovely friend asked me what I was going to do to stay out of it. She asked what I could change to overcome the things that put me into the haze. I gave her a few answers but as I've thought about the question more and more I realized that I've already slipped back a little bit. I feel hopeful and ready for change so now is as good a time as any to figure it out, I'd say!

One thing that has been a great concern for me is that I feel like I'm never "in" the moment. I will be with friends or family, doing fun things and yet I'm not really there. My mind is somewhere else, usually thinking about when I can leave. Anxiety has paralyzed me for some time now and it is taking major training to not stay in that mindset. Even when I don't feel anxious I am thinking of how to leave, how to get out of something all together, or how to be invisible while I am there. I miss the desire to be with people and the ability to really connect with people. That is what makes me who I am, and that is why I feel so lost. I have met some great people in my ward. They are a group of girls who I, without a doubt, can see myself being close friends with and yet I hold back and really only care for them on a very surface level. It is so unlike me and it all has to do with avoiding "the moment".

If you want to know something about me that perhaps says a lot...or maybe very little, that something is that I.google.everything. Seriously. Everything. When I worked at PDC if anyone asked a question (about anything, not just work) I would tell them to google it and then, because I am insanely curious, I would google it too. Today I was thinking about living in the moment and I realized that I don't think I know how to anymore, so what did I do? I googled it. Yup, I typed "how to live in the moment" into google and much to my surprise I found an answer. A very thought out and organized answer on, believe it or not, wikiHow.com. Ready for this?

http://www.wikihow.com/Live-in-the-Moment

Check it out! As I read it the "how to's" seemed like they should be obvious but to me they were enlightening. I don't know what that says about me, nor do I want to. I just want to try to change my actions little by little.

I apologize if all this blog is anymore is a list of ways I am trying to figure things out but I really feel as though I have lost myself and that makes me sad. I want to find me again.