Out of the haze

For the past few weeks I have been feeling like I'm coming out of a haze that I have been lost in for a long time. As I shared some of the experiences leading up to this "escape" my lovely friend asked me what I was going to do to stay out of it. She asked what I could change to overcome the things that put me into the haze. I gave her a few answers but as I've thought about the question more and more I realized that I've already slipped back a little bit. I feel hopeful and ready for change so now is as good a time as any to figure it out, I'd say!

One thing that has been a great concern for me is that I feel like I'm never "in" the moment. I will be with friends or family, doing fun things and yet I'm not really there. My mind is somewhere else, usually thinking about when I can leave. Anxiety has paralyzed me for some time now and it is taking major training to not stay in that mindset. Even when I don't feel anxious I am thinking of how to leave, how to get out of something all together, or how to be invisible while I am there. I miss the desire to be with people and the ability to really connect with people. That is what makes me who I am, and that is why I feel so lost. I have met some great people in my ward. They are a group of girls who I, without a doubt, can see myself being close friends with and yet I hold back and really only care for them on a very surface level. It is so unlike me and it all has to do with avoiding "the moment".

If you want to know something about me that perhaps says a lot...or maybe very little, that something is that I.google.everything. Seriously. Everything. When I worked at PDC if anyone asked a question (about anything, not just work) I would tell them to google it and then, because I am insanely curious, I would google it too. Today I was thinking about living in the moment and I realized that I don't think I know how to anymore, so what did I do? I googled it. Yup, I typed "how to live in the moment" into google and much to my surprise I found an answer. A very thought out and organized answer on, believe it or not, wikiHow.com. Ready for this?

http://www.wikihow.com/Live-in-the-Moment

Check it out! As I read it the "how to's" seemed like they should be obvious but to me they were enlightening. I don't know what that says about me, nor do I want to. I just want to try to change my actions little by little.

I apologize if all this blog is anymore is a list of ways I am trying to figure things out but I really feel as though I have lost myself and that makes me sad. I want to find me again.