Wow, so it has been a long time since my last blog. I've been inspired by others lately to blog more often and after reading my old blogs I don't think it's such a bad thing to be inspired to do. I don't think I fully remembered how I was feeling 5 months ago so reading about it made me realize how much things have changed. This summer has been full of growing experiences and I see such a change in my life. I'm starting to become okay with change, and although I am the queen of fighting change maybe this is a start. I got a blessing over a year ago that mentioned that I was going to have a big change coming in my life and that the things that were going on in my life were preparing me for that change. Many times since then I have wondered, "hmm, maybe this is the big change." But never before have I felt so ready for something big and new. I realized more than ever this summer that I am loved and very blessed and that answers to prayers come in unexpected ways. I got to spend the majority of my summer with 3 people that I have been friends with for close to 10 years. The old friends are the ones you take for granted. I think I always figured that because I had known these three for so long their purpose in my life was done and we had just stayed friends because we love each other. But I realized that over and over again they have blessed my life. What they did for me was so simple but so incredible for me. I don't think H, N & T will ever know how much I needed this summer. For years I haven't been the Beth that I was always happy to be and in a way I have been searching hard for that Beth. And suddenly, I am given the chance to spend a few months with some great friends who know me, REALLY know me and in the end I figure out who "me" is. For the first time in years I felt comfortable with people. I didn't feel like I had to act a certain way or say certain things. I didn't feel like I had to be anyone but me and at first I felt almost like I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like there was this person hidden deep deep down inside of me that I knew was there but I couldn't get to. That person was too hidden by insecurities and fears but those things went away. My friends believed in me, one in particular. He has this way of just assuming the best in you. He doesn't look at someone and say, oh well this person has these weaknesses so we'll avoid this this and this so as not to make them uncomfortable. He doesn't do that. He has this innocence almost. He just figured, well of course Beth can do that, why not? He never once questioned me. At the beginning I was questioning myself enough for everyone because that is what I do. I have spent my life being careful. The only thing I have ever gone into with all of myself is relationships (family/friends) and even over the past three years that went away. I couldn't trust people enough to let them see who I am. So really careful was for me. It was easy and safe but I had to stop. I had to step out there and put my heart into things. I had to try things that I was afraid to do and to my surprise I wasn't so bad at it. All I needed was to believe in myself and lucky for me I had a perfect example of that. As the summer went on I really thought I would dread the end of summer when everything would surely end as T left to move to the "big city" and H & N got involved in new experiences but I didn't. At first I still felt empty inside and I did for awhile until I realized my 3 friends couldn't fill that emptiness. Only one person could fill that emptiness and I finally humbled myself enough to turn to Him and ask for help. Having that emptiness filled made the summer even better. I didn't dread the end of the summer when T would move and H & N would have new things happening that wouldn't include me (at least not as regularly as the summer did). Sure the end of the summer was hard. I was sad to see T leave. I was sad to think I wouldn't see H & N 3 or more times a week. I shed a few tears but they were more tears of gratitude then anything else. I felt at peace because I truly believe I learned a lesson this summer that I have needed to learn for a long time. Our summer o' fun has been over for 2 and a half months now and sure I miss my friends, who wouldn't? But I feel a joy I have never felt in my life. My friends helped me to heal and helped me to see the parts of my life that were lacking. I have a lot of growing to do. I have things coming in my life that I am so excited for and want to be really ready for and I have things I am confused about, and things I need to figure out and they are things I can't (and won't have to) figure out alone. So, you big things that are coming, bring it. I'm ready. I might stumble. I might fall. But I'll get back up and keep going because I can. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but if you do, first of all you're incredible. Second, I am going to work my hardest to not let the underlying message of all of my blogs be "Beth hates change and is trying to avoid it." I'm going to go more with the, this is my life, i'm learning, i'm living and i'm attempting to make a difference along the way, mindset. Oh and every once in awhile I might have a gratitude list goin. On the days that I need it at least.
I am grateful for:
-Beautiful music that touches my heart
-Friends that uplift and strengthen me
-The courage to open up my heart a little to people I haven't really let in yet
-Halloween costumes that make people weeze because they are laughing so hard
-My Baltimore hoodie
