Sometimes I am crazy. I really am. I act a certain way and afterward I think "Who was that??" The people that are closest to me see it far more than they deserve and yet most of the time they ignore that it even happened and love me anyway. I was crazy this morning, to someone that I work with that doesn't know me at all. I felt crazy on the inside this afternoon when I expressed something that really may not make sense to other people but in me is a very real feeling. I didn't express it in a crazy way but I feel guilty that I feel this way. I had a fun night tonight and was very grateful to my dear friend for helping to make up for what I missed out on today by saving it for tonight. Unfortunately I was very much lost in my thoughts most of the night because of these two occurrences and many of my thoughts kept going back to the fact that we all have our "things". We all have our moments of crazy and although they are expressed in different ways they happen to everyone. I need to learn to love all of me, even my "quirks" (or "the crazy" as I've been calling it today). I need to be willing to love myself and see beyond my crazy like I do, willingly much of the time, for others.
Me:
-I don't handle sudden change well, but once I have had time to adjust I can usually go with most things.
-I have anxiety and just because I'm afraid to come home at night because I'm convinced my house will be covered in roaches when I get there or just because I have many other seemingly irrational fears that doesn't mean I am wrong to feel that way. Someone told me once that if it's important to me it is important to someone. I remind myself of that every time I say "It doesn't matter" or "it's not important".
-I am often hurt because I fear, or find, that people I care about deeply don't care about me as much, but I still go into most relationships willing to give my all.
-Sometimes I am hurt by people I love, but I still allow myself to love.
-Sometimes I am told that I care too much, but I still allow myself to care.
-I am high strung at times. I like a plan, I like to know what is coming and I like communication. These are all things that aren't always present in my life or job but even when it's difficult oftentimes not having those things also make my life and job more enjoyable. It may take me 15 minutes or an hour or more to adjust but I always try to find the good in the situation.
-I may worry that I'm not doing my best, and because of that I may follow rules to the "t" but those things make me feel secure in my job and in my life (but mostly in my job.)
-I care what people think about me and I hate it. (Still trying to find the good in that one)
-There are things about myself that I fear or am ashamed of and in some cases I have never said those things out loud to anyone.
-Sometimes I am a jealous person but 99% of the time I don't allow myself to act on those feelings.
-I crave quality time with my friends but I also like to be told that I am important to them. I wish I didn't care but I do.
I pretty much just put a lot of things I don't like about me out there, but it is good for me to lay things out and get to know me a little better. I want all (2) of you to know that I know I am sometimes overtaken by the crazy but that I'm also trying really hard to balance it with some goodness. I care about people. I care about organization and communication. I love even when I know I will probably end up hurt. I also see all of these things in my friends and family and believe I have learned much of it because of their examples. (The good stuff that is)
When the people I am closest to love me despite my weaknesses I am encouraged. This note from a friend on my facebook is what gave me the strength to write this post:
"you're normal...and when you do that...you remind us that superwoman is human too. thanks for being human."
I don't think of myself as "superwoman" but I am incredibly grateful to know there are people in my life that do.
