Trash kicked...

Yeah, life is kicking my trash lately. I've felt especially confused about me and about my life. I've been missing some of my friends more often then usual. My emotions are in a million different places. I got a flat tire yesterday and I definitely cried for at least half an hour before I had the guts to call and ask someone for help. I hate when things happen to my car because that is when I feel the most incapable. I have no idea how to do anything with my car and I hate HATE hate asking for car help because I feel like I have had to so often and people have got to be annoyed by now. I know I am. So as I sat in the Big O parking lot staring longingly wishing that the doors would suddenly unlock and people would be working, I thought about who I could call that wouldn't come across as annoyed or that I wouldn't feel HORRIBLE putting them out. After attempting to call my home teachers and being unable to press send after dialing their numbers I thought of Nate. I haven't seen Nate in awhile. He got married this summer and things change but I felt like I really could call Nate. And, as Nate's actions often remind me, some things never change. He came willingly and then thanked me for asking him for help. Not only did I get my tire fixed but I got to see and got a hug from one of my very best friends. I have missed my summer pals so much lately. Last summer, with their help...really just with their presence in my life, I was able to figure out a lot of stuff and understand so much of what I had been feeling for years and I think I want that again. I just want to sit around with them and feel like me again. I want to just be with the three of them. Tom is on the East Coast, Heather is in the South and Nate is close but married so we can't really hang out and I really miss it. That said, I am so grateful that Nate came to my rescue, yet again. I have always been able to count on him and always feel loved when he comes to rescue me. He is the closest thing to a big brother I have experienced and I am so blessed to have him.

The lives of many of the people I am still close to are changing drastically and I can't help but see that I'm still doing the same old stuff. I feel frozen in place and the frustration of not being able to escape is overwhelming me. I don't know how to escape. I want to quit my job and run away but there is always something holding me back. Pretty sure it all goes back to fear but I haven't been able to figure out how to get away from that yet. These thoughts are coming out like word vomit and nothing more. They're all things I can't bring myself to say out loud so here it is floating around the blog world.