Sometimes life throws some interesting twists and turns into the mix and this is one of those times for me.
In January I felt SO strongly that it was time for a change and that I needed to move home. Part of me was thrilled because I really was in a rut and felt like I didn't fit where I was. I saved money, sorted through my things, got rid of half of my stuff and filled my days with family and friends. Even as I left, although sad, I felt again that I was doing the right thing.
I got to Maryland and felt out of sorts, all the while feeling like I had done the right thing. I have enjoyed time with my family and some friends, have had some time to relax which I found was needed and overall just felt safe. During all of these great things I still didn't feel like things were meshing. I wasn't able to find a job even with hours and hours of searching and applying. I was enjoying my ward but didn't feel settled and no matter how hard I prayed I couldn't figure out if I should stay in MD or if I should look for jobs in VA/DC or somewhere else.
Then everything changed. About a week and a half ago a friend called to tell me that there is a job available in her department at a great company and her boss wanted me to apply. The catch? It's in Utah...
I prayed hard and felt like I should just send my resume and see what would happen. I had been told that interviews would take place in a week. That afternoon my friends boss called and offered me the job. I took some time to make the decision and then accepted the job the next day. As sure as I felt that I needed to move to Maryland, I felt just as sure that I need to move back. I know that I'm doing what I am supposed to do but that doesn't take away personal doubts and the question of why it happened this way.
I also have a lot of fear, which never makes me happy. I've been afraid to tell people that I'm going back because it seems so foolish. It was a HUGE deal for me to leave my home of 8 years and now I'm just going back? I had a big going away party, many goodbyes and now I'm going back? Most of the people I said goodbye to probably wouldn't have noticed I was gone since we only hang out every couple of months anyway. I am being reminded constantly that I shouldn't worry about what other people will think and yet I can't get it out of my head. As more positive responses come it is becoming easier for me.
The other thing I am afraid of is the rut. I was so unhappy with my life and now I'm going back? I didn't feel like I fit where I was but I don't feel like I fit where I am either. I want to be somewhere that I really feel like I can be completely myself and also be around people that help me to want to be better. I refuse to move back to Provo. (I probably shouldn't say that...) I did my time and now I'm done. Orem still seems a little too close. Sandy is looking quite appealing although a bit far away, I'm not too concerned about it. I want this clean slate to be filled with new positive things.
I am so excited about my job and I am excited to be near a lot of the people that I love very much. I'm sad to leave most of my family and some wonderful friends behind but I feel such hope for this new adventure and plus, Maryland is home, I'll always come back.
There we have it, more big news from the life of Beth. If I cry wolf again and move somewhere else, don't worry, I won't post it here. I think I'll probably just leave in the night and not tell a soul.
