Moment of insecurity...?

So maybe this is just the expected insecurities that we all feel at some point but I can't help but feel like throughout my life I have put so much of my heart into caring about my friends and I wonder if I am crazy? I always thought, for some reason that I meant as much to these people as they have meant to me but now I am beginning to wonder. I sometimes wonder if I imagined those close relationships. Maybe I am just different, which I suppose isn't a horrible thing, but I wonder if the way people see me is really far off from how I see me. I am beginning to think its true...Am I that confused about who I am? Am I crazy? Did those relationships end because I really thought they were so much more then they were? It's the only explanation I can think of because had they just ended and we all moved on it would be one thing, but they always ALWAYS move on first...they take a few steps away...and say they're going to keep coming around, and they do for awhile and then they disappear all together. Or maybe to everyone else it just isn't a big deal...maybe its normal for people to come and go and I should just cut those ties and give it up. Everyone else does. Why does that have to be so hard for me? Everyone at work always says "wow beth, you have so many friends!" Do I or do I live in the past like a pro? Perhaps my perspective is skewed, perhaps I am just feeling insecure...but what if all of these things I am so afraid of are true? What if I push people away. I want to be one person so badly...and I try to be but something happens...like someone tells me I am always "the victim" joking or not...I felt the truth in the comment...or being told that I'm not nice...several times in a matter of hours...again, joking or not the truth was there and it scares me...I am afraid of how little I know about myself...and of how closed I have become...this is the most open I have been in awhile...Do I keep it all inside because I really don't think I have anyone I feel I can express these things to and have them take me seriously or is it because something else...ever had one of those moments when you don't know what to trust...I'm there...
I sound crazy...

Happy Forever

"Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and a refined character. We liketo be around those who are grateful. They tend to brighten all around them.They make others feel better about themselves. They tend to be more humble,more joyful, more likable." -Joseph B Wirthlin


Lora is married!! I hope that I can live my life so that someday I am worthy of the blessing of being happy forever with someone I love. Lora deserved it and she is happy! I learned a few different things this weekend, one being that no matter what your family is going to be there for you, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And I learned by one persons example that just because my friends are getting married or starting to date people (which is incredibly odd for my group of friends) that doesn't mean they are all going to ditch their old single pals. I also learned that Dodge Intrepids are crappy cars and I sure am glad I didn't buy one. :-) And I learned that depression can be a blessing. People who have felt depression are able to be more empathetic with others...and truly mean it...not in all situations, but in some...and you just have to make the most of your situation. And I learned I need to be more grateful. Much to improve but I can do it! :-)

For Good

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most grow if we let them and we help them in return...because I knew you I have been changed for good." -For Good, Wicked Soundtrack

So tomorrow my Lora Michelle is getting married. Lora was one of the first people I met (besides Amy) when I moved to Utah. They have been my very best friends ever since. I never thought it would be hard for Lora to get married, and really it hasn't been TOO hard it's just more weird then anything. The "us" that is made up by Amy Lora and Beth is becoming an "us" plus John. If anyone had to be added I would want it to be John because he is fabulous and he is bringing Lora back to us here in Utah next year. But it's so weird to see this phase end. I have been thinking so much about how much these girls have blessed my life and I am just overwhelmed. I couldn't be more grateful to have these girls in my life. We have laughed hysterically together, and cried together, we have been spread from California all the way to Florida and stayed friends through it all thanks to 3-way calling and cell phones. We were even in three different time zones when we were awakened by Lora calling to tell us she was engaged. Amy and I live together now and as close as we are whenever Lora comes back to visit it's like she never left, her little niche is still right there and we saved it for her because no one can fill it as hard as they try. Lora has stayed up all hours with me during my worst times. She was the one I called at 2:30 in the morning when I was having my first anxiety attack, even though she was in California and couldn't do anything, but she had enough wisdom to call people to come over and give me a blessing all while she was finding out her car had just been broken in to. She has been an incredible strength to me and I am so happy that she is going to marry this wonderful man and have all of the things she has always dreamed of having. I realize more and more each day that Heavenly Father is aware of us and he puts people into our lives right when we need them and some stay (like my Joanie and Lora and Amy and Rach) and some go but I have been changed for the better because of them. I just know I am so blessed and I just can't wait to spend all day tomorrow with my two best friends one in beautiful white and two in "blush and bashful" and just sharing the joy of what tomorrow is. I am blessed. :-)

A new perspective

"That was a memorable day for me, for it made great changes in me, but it is the same way with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns and flowers, that never would have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day." -Charles Dickens Great Expectations

For the first time in two and a half years things are starting to make sense. This person that I have been for the past few years is slowly being taken over by the real Beth. I don't know plan on it all happening at once, or even quickly for that matter, but the beginnings of it are giving me hope like I haven't felt in a very long time. It's so odd to think back and know what happened that slowly brought me to this point, and to feel like everything since then hasn't been real. I cling to the past, I cling to "before I got sick" and I think I almost believe that when I got sick everything changed, BECAUSE I was sick. I didn't die that day in the hospital like they thought I was going to, but it's almost like I did just not physically. Wow, I know, how deep. For the first time in years I feel like my life is really something and I am feeling real feelings, things that were so common and so much a part of my everyday life that I took them for granted, until they were gone. I still have large parts of that bitter/confused/depressed girl that shine through but the friendly/loving/caring/hopeful girl that I think I once was is starting to fight and win. I think I want it more now. I learned a special lesson from someone I have never met, but who has really touched me just because of her good attitude in a time that she has every right to have a bad attitude. She only has 6 months to live, and instead of giving up now she is living her life, she is getting married and she is going to do as much as she can with her life, because she is still alive, and she can. I on the other hand was given a second chance and I have just taken it for granted everyday. I have been overwhelmed, probably by the things I haven't allowed myself to feel for the past few years. I will have a passing thought of someone close to me and it turns into like a "montage" of all the things they have done for me and then I realize how that helped me get to this point, and then I cry. It has happened often lately. Or I remember a situation, that, at the time just seemed convenient but now I realize was a blessing, and not just lucky, it was meant to happen that way. I am thinking of a day that I went to BYU to pick up my roommate with a friend. My friend went inside to do something and coming back she ran into my roommate. Instead of coming right back out to hang out with me in the car like I begged her to she stayed with my roommate waiting in line to buy tickets for a show. At the time I was frustrated because I was alone in a car just waiting. My phone rang and it was a friend who I hadn't been as close with but who meant and still means a lot to me and that friend and I had a conversation that I desperately needed to have. That friend was the first person I told about how depressed I was, before I even realized that I was, and that was while sitting in the BYU Wilk parking lot. Had my friend come back instead of waiting inside I wouldn't have had the same conversation as I did and this long process of recovering probably would have been even longer. I realized YESTERDAY that it wasn't really just luck that my friend didn't come back out. I needed to have that conversation and so it was made possible. This is one of many things that have been taking over my thoughts these days and I just hope I can keep this feeling of gratitude, I wish I could express to the people that have helped me and touched me how much they have, but I feel incapable, and I probably am...

"Gratitude is one of the least articulate of the emotions, especially when it is deep." -Felix Frankfurter

That about sums it up...