I went home. I LOVE Baltimore. Or maybe the east coast in general, but especially Baltimore. I can honestly say that without a doubt this was my best Christmas ever. Sure it was accompanied by some anxiety but this is me we're talking about. I have anxiety about everything, nothing and all the stuff in between. The only thing I would change about my Christmas break is the length and really I can't even complain about that. I was able to stay for over a week and with my job that is a miracle. The holidays fell JUST right so I just got really lucky I guess! I really don't want to go into the individual details of each day on my trip so maybe I'll just do an overview.
Family: I spent so much time with them. More then ever in the past which may explain why it was such a wonderful visit. I spent a lot of time with my cousins who are truly the most amazing 14 & 12 year old that I know. Especially the 14 year old. He's just a good kid. He can be a punk but he has the sweetest heart and I adore him. He wanted to do something with me on the Friday before I left and I told him I couldn't because I would be in NC visiting my best friend and he said "Why, I'm right here" Yeah almost cancelled my trip right then and there. Not really, but you get it. Oh and he picked out one of my Christmas presents all by himself and I love it. It is seriously my favorite present (next to the pink iPod but really that isn't even comparable) He and his dad went shopping for scarves for my sis and I and when they were leaving my Uncle said they should get one for my aunt also. My cousin said they should give the one they picked for me to his mom and then picked up another one and said they should get that one for me because I like things that sparkle! haha! That made me laugh really hard but I love it. It has really pretty blue and greyish stripes with gold thread through it...that description didn't do it justice but in one of the pictures I plan to post below you can see it if you really care. I got to spend a lot of time with my aunt and my mom and my grandma. All good things. I really love my Gran. We didn't always get along but now we're just pals. I get her more and I think she gets me too. I haven't cried when I left Maryland in years but when I said bye to my cousins and Gran I seriously had to work not to cry. Oh and we finally took a family photo. Everyone is in it except my cousin and his wife. Our family isn't that big but you would think it was by the fact that we haven't had a family photo since I was an infant.
Friends: I was able to see a few friends that I really wanted to see and I liked it that way. I liked that I didn't feel like I was rushing around trying to see people. It just kind of worked out. I spent time with my Bmore friends that live in Utah now. I always think that is kind of silly to be with them there when I can be with them here but it is different there. We grew up together so when I see them I usually see their families too and it's always so fun. T had a dessert birthday thing which was nice because I was able to see a few people that I wanted to see but knew I probably wouldn't get to otherwise. I had a good long talk with A.S. which is rare these days but really good. We used to be really close and things have changed but we just connect really well everytime we are together. We talked about a lot of things that I didn't even realize I was feeling. One thing about Wafe (A.S.) and I is that even though our lives are different in most ways in a few basic ways we really connect. We are kind of dealing with similar things right now and it makes each step a little easier to know you aren't alone in your feelings. A good friend reminded me not to let being in Utah make me feel old and I think it was a reminder I needed. I don't feel too old but being here can definitely get you to feel that. What?! I'm 23 almost 24 and not married?! For the love I'm a freak! Yeah...like that. I went to North Carolina and saw my best friend since I was 14 and her husband their DAUGHTER. She is almost two and perfect. Sweetest kid you'll ever meet. She called me Bess. Did you cry a little bit when you read that? I did. It was so good to be with them. It was hard because things are so different now. Best Friend and I can't have sleepovers and talk about boys and stay up all night anymore. Nap time and food time and family time are all more important which is wonderful but hard too. Best Friend is an amazing mommy. I'm really proud of her and love seeing that she is exactly as I pictured she would be when we were 14 and only dreaming of this part of our lives. The drive was long but worth it. I spent New Years Eve with HB and her fam and my mom and it was perfect. I always love New Years at their house because we just relax, eat and talk. We played some Aye Aye Nephi which is the next big card game, I can feel it...heh...hmmm.
Baltimore, New Years, Final Thoughts: Baltimore is gorgeous. We went to Ft McHenry with my cousins and it was the perfect day. A little windy but beautiful. Pictures below. I don't like that I have been in the "bubble" for so long that I feel scared sometimes when I am in Maryland. I never did growing up. I mean, obviously some situations anyone would be scared, but I never felt like my life was in danger but now all of a sudden I go home and I am afraid of a billion different things. I didn't let myself give into that fear this time and by the time I left I felt a little more comfortable. The whole week before New Years I was thinking a lot about my life. Mostly because of the conversation I had with Wafe. I really feel like I'm not moving forward right now. I have felt that way for awhile but I have done a lot of growing and improving and I need to remember that. I don't think I could really move forward with my life without the things I am learning and the strength I feel myself gaining. But this year I am going to make a difference. Even if it is little I want to take some steps forward. I already see one big move in my future in the spiritual part of my life and although I am nervous I am more excited then anything and want so badly to be ready. There are other things but I'm not quite ready to say those yet. Anyway there is a song I listened to today at work that made my ears perk up adn I have decided it is my song for this year. Here are some of the words:
I'm gonna stop lookin back
Start movin on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
Make my mark
I wanna leave somethin here
Go out on a ledge without any nets
Thats what I'm gonna be about
If you know me then without a doubt you know that I hold myself back more then anyone or anything could but my goal is to let go of that some. I don't expect to change completely that is something that I think will take years but I want to continue taking the steps I have started taking and make a difference in my life. I want to let go of my issues and fears and really love people like I used to. I want to do what I feel inspired to do and not worry what someone is going to think of that. I want to look at life and see all of the good things in it and be grateful for the trials. I have been touched by so many people who live their lives this way and I want to do everything I can to touch other peoples lives.
Here are some pictures from my trip
My cousins and I pretending that we are about to go to jail...obviously I am the only one upset about this
My cute cousins and my Beautiful Baltimore all in one picture
My immediate family
The cousins
Mi Familia
Auntie Bess with J & J in North Carolina
We played a little bit of Jenga talk about anxiety...
If you could see the clock it would say 12:04. Happy New Year! Have some bubbly! Oh and the phone is in the picture because H.B. was talking to boyfriend and of course we wanted boyfriend in the picture!
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