A couple of weeks ago I was leaving the Draper Temple and decided to just drive around a little bit because I didn't want to go home right away. I ended up in a neighborhood that I spent a lot of time in about a year ago. As I drove past I felt a flood of happy feelings which I think came from all of the memories. There was nothing spectacular about the area or the things I did there but I had some wonderful quality time with friends there, felt really happy during that time in my life and felt a closeness with people that I long for. As I thought about it I became very sad because things have changed so much since then, but also grateful because any experiences that can bring an immediate warmth to my heart were worth every ounce of sadness that I feel when I miss those times. When I think about that time last year I realize that in almost every way, I feel like I'm still there, the only problem is that everything else has changed. My heart has stayed in that place. In my mind the friendships I had at that time are the same now as they were then. But after several weeks of thinking I realize that everyone has moved on. Sure, I'm still friends with the most important of those friends but it is different and I don't think I have allowed myself to believe that. As I prepare to leave my home of almost 8 years I can't help but reflect on what has gotten me to this point. The way my life is currently isn't ideal, in my opinion. And I keep thinking that once I leave it will be better. Or that because I am leaving my friendships will grow stronger for this last month and a half that I have here. Sadly this is what is making me realize that everyone has moved forward while I stayed comfortably in place. It's not a good realization to have and it makes me wonder who this person is that I have become. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing outside of myself, watching the way I'm acting and I just shake my head. If anyone else were to be doing the things I am doing I would think they were weak. And yet I continue. And I am weak, because I don't have the strength to change it. This is where things get difficult. If things are this way now, they are only going to be the same or worse once I leave. I think I have a lot of free time now? My free time is going to triple if I don't have a job. And what will I spend that time doing? Wishing I were somewhere else? Wishing things were different? Wishing I were different? What good do any of those wishes do me if I'm not doing something about it. This is such an incomplete jumble of thoughts but I needed an outlet and I guess this is it. My life is changing, whether I like it or not.