The year in review

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. The New Years post. Gotta love it. I wasn't planning to but I realized that last year I blogged 12 times (so pathetic right?) and then I noticed that I did the same this year SO I had to blog one more time, and plus, I just read my first post from this year and I think it's about time for some follow up. I think I did it. I think there is room for improvement, but I think I started to overcome some of my fears. I let myself really care for people this year and I let other people care about me. I learned this year that I deserve to be treated really well, I realized that it's possible that someone can love me someday. I overcame some of my fears about getting involved in my ward. I was able to recognize blessings in my life that I haven't realized in the past. My testimony of the gospel has grown with a huge foundation on the Atonement. I started to become more self-reliant in my emotions. I didn't feel like i needed to go running to a friend every time something upset me. It's definitely nice to have that as an option, with the wonderful friends that I have but it's not something I felt like I had to do in order to feel better. I feel stronger then ever and I hope that keeps growing because I want to continue feeling that way year after year. A little stronger each year. I went to Minnesota, so silly, but for me a trip like that was overcoming huge fears. It wasn't the easiest trip ever. I love the friends I was with but there were definitely some struggles in readjusting to each other. But I handled it better then I ever have with only a few tears to Chris on the phone. I feel like I succeeded in my hopes for this year and I hope to build on that this year. 2007 was a really great year. One of my favorites and one with some of my biggest milestones. I'm blessed and I like where I am in my life.

I already have big ideas for 2008, I hope to keep the goals I have set for myself but if I slip up, that's okay too. I'll get back to it if I keep trying and have faith that I don't have to make these changes alone. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And for Tom, the theme-2008 I Am Legend.

*I began writing this blog on October 12th, for some reason I stopped but saved it and just now decided it was time to finish it. Parts are a little out dated, but I decided not to change it.*

Sometimes I wonder why I do this blog thing. I read my posts later and think that a person would have to be crazy to want to read about my unimportant thoughts but I always find myself coming back because I feel things that I don't know how to express or don't feel comfortable expressing verbally. It's kind of ridiculous to be so open about my feelings in such a public forum, but although it's public, it feels safe. I don't have to face the people that I know are aware it exists, and if I do they don't tell me they have read it so it's like nothing ever happened. So, here I am back in the land of blog.

I have been feeling so so blessed lately. This past weekend was General Conference and it was everything I could have hoped for. It was by far the best conference experience I have ever had, which I know has everything to do with the fact that I prepared and went into it with an open heart and a desire to improve myself and to have my questions answered. Both of which happened. I was able to go to Salt Lake to watch two of the sessions with my friend Chris and it really made a difference for me. We watched the Saturday and Sunday morning sessions in the Legacy Theater on Temple Square and I loved it. I have never cried so much during conference or felt so truly touched. I also got to spend time with one of my favorite people which is always something I'm grateful for. I've been searching so much lately for anything, to feel fulfilled in someway and this weekend gave me that. I felt emotion more deeply then I have in a long time. And I felt like I belonged somewhere. I've been trying to get to know people in my ward and make friends, etc but it's been hard for me. I have made some headway but it's not like I would like it to be. So, I felt really blessed to be with a friend that gets me and that knows me so well he can "read my mind." I also went to my sisters house for lunch and the second session of Conference on Sunday which ended up being something I really needed too. I don't always feel like my brother-in-law really likes me but lately something has changed and I feel like we get along better and he isn't just humoring me all the time. Maybe he realized he is stuck with me. haha! It was just nice to hang out with my sister at her house and to feel comfortable and like I was welcome and accepted. That night I went to ward prayer and ended up talking to people which was a miracle! I usually slip out quickly before anyone notices I was even there so I don't have the awkwardness of realizing I'm not gutsy enough to talk to people and people aren't going to just come up and talk to me. If you get the heck out that saves a lot of trouble. :)

To continue with my wonderful week I went to a show on Tuesday night that was originally made for a Sunday night show at the Nauvoo Temple and my Bishop set up a performance for us to see. My friend Alex was in it which was such a fun surprise for me to see her. I absolutely loved the show. It was broadway music, disney music and gospel songs. So amazing!! It's just about life and the things that happen and the people that touch your life. At the end I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I am so blessed. I cried again for the 5,000th time in 3 days. I love that Heavenly Father knows me. Through all of the loneliness and confusion that I have felt so often in my life, I always know that I don't have to do it alone. I'm really grateful for that. In an attempt to be more positive, here are some things I am grateful for.

1. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love knowing that I have a Savior who loves me and made it possible for me to live this life and to have choices about how I do and to have a way to repent when I make mistakes. I love knowing that this life isn't the end, that I can be with my family for eternity. There are so many reasons but in an attempt to be less wordy, I'll stop there.

2. My family. I have a different family. We have our issues but one thing I can never forget is that there is a lot of love. Whenever I get together with my extended family I can't help but smile because they're quirky, they argue but underneath it all our family is based on love and support. I've seen it and I'm grateful for it.

3. My current friends that are like my family. For most of my life I have had big groups of "good friends." I am at a point now where a lot of people are moving on and having families of their own but I have a group of people that I know will always be in my life. The amount of time I have known them spans from 14 years to 2 years. Some I have known since Young Women's, some I met at EFY some I met in my singles wards in Utah, some at work. They have all individually made a huge difference in me as a person by sharing their love and their examples. These people have been put in my life for a reason.

4. Old friends. There are a lot of people that were a huge part of my life at very important times, but for some reason we have lost track of each other or we just keep in very distant touch but I can't forget the difference they have made in my life. A lot of these people were a huge part of my life a few years ago when I was sick and they helped make my life bearable. Whether it was a home teacher that I hardly knew that came and danced in my room in the ICU or a friend that was dating my roommate and was the 3rd person to see me after I woke up in the hospital and was very scared. There were the ones that gave me blessings or the ones that got me to the hospital when I couldn't walk. We're in different places in our lives but my life was definitely changed because of them and they're very close to my heart still.

5. Music. It inspires me and I feel more deeply through music then anything else. I have no musical abilities whatsoever but I sure know how to appreciate music.

6. I am grateful that I know who I am. I know that I am of great worth because I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. That is something I repeated over and over in Young Womens but I don't think I fully grasped what that meant then. I definitely don't think I do now either, but my understanding of that phrase to be "a daughter of God" means so much more now. I am also grateful for Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk from October and this quote: "The scriptures tell us that 'if any man love God, the same is known of him.' What a wonderful promise-to be known of Him. It makes the spirit soar to think that the Creator of heaven and earth could know us and love us with a pure, eternal love."

I'm grateful for a lot more, but for now this is where I will stop.

Trash kicked...

Yeah, life is kicking my trash lately. I've felt especially confused about me and about my life. I've been missing some of my friends more often then usual. My emotions are in a million different places. I got a flat tire yesterday and I definitely cried for at least half an hour before I had the guts to call and ask someone for help. I hate when things happen to my car because that is when I feel the most incapable. I have no idea how to do anything with my car and I hate HATE hate asking for car help because I feel like I have had to so often and people have got to be annoyed by now. I know I am. So as I sat in the Big O parking lot staring longingly wishing that the doors would suddenly unlock and people would be working, I thought about who I could call that wouldn't come across as annoyed or that I wouldn't feel HORRIBLE putting them out. After attempting to call my home teachers and being unable to press send after dialing their numbers I thought of Nate. I haven't seen Nate in awhile. He got married this summer and things change but I felt like I really could call Nate. And, as Nate's actions often remind me, some things never change. He came willingly and then thanked me for asking him for help. Not only did I get my tire fixed but I got to see and got a hug from one of my very best friends. I have missed my summer pals so much lately. Last summer, with their help...really just with their presence in my life, I was able to figure out a lot of stuff and understand so much of what I had been feeling for years and I think I want that again. I just want to sit around with them and feel like me again. I want to just be with the three of them. Tom is on the East Coast, Heather is in the South and Nate is close but married so we can't really hang out and I really miss it. That said, I am so grateful that Nate came to my rescue, yet again. I have always been able to count on him and always feel loved when he comes to rescue me. He is the closest thing to a big brother I have experienced and I am so blessed to have him.

The lives of many of the people I am still close to are changing drastically and I can't help but see that I'm still doing the same old stuff. I feel frozen in place and the frustration of not being able to escape is overwhelming me. I don't know how to escape. I want to quit my job and run away but there is always something holding me back. Pretty sure it all goes back to fear but I haven't been able to figure out how to get away from that yet. These thoughts are coming out like word vomit and nothing more. They're all things I can't bring myself to say out loud so here it is floating around the blog world.

Enough

Lately I have been feeling like I am not "enough". It's hard to be enough when you don't know how much "enough" is though. I've been feeling lately like no matter how much effort I put into something it ends up to be not enough. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't "enough". I'm not funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I'm just another thing that can be taken off of peoples ever overflowing "plates". What is this phrase "I have too much on my plate." I guess I can understand it but gosh it isn't the best feeling when people tell you that. Yeah, I haven't seen you in 2 months...but I have too much on my plate. Just another thing on their plate. And immediately it makes me feel like I must not be important enough to fit onto their plate. I don't ask a lot. A quick bite to eat, a trip to the temple, 15 minutes to just catch up. I just miss my friends. Sure I miss how once upon a time every night I had something to do but I don't really need that anymore. I'm okay with not having plans everyday. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I am lonely and want to be with someone who loves me or that I just miss my friend and want to spend a few minutes with them. And it doesn't change the fact that repeated rejection hurts no matter who you are. Just needed to get that off my mind.

Poor Ruby

Picture this. I am sitting in line at Costco waiting to get gas. It's a Saturday morning so of course the lines are long but nothing like they usually are. I am talking to my friend about her baby shower that afternoon when I look up to see a big white truck backing up. Surely they see me, I think two seconds before they back right into me. As it is happening all I can think to do is say out loud "oh my gosh, someone is...someone just backed into my car." My dear pregnant friend, always thinking always cool headed replies with "Hang up the phone! Turn off your car!" I say bye and do both. I have never been in an accident before and this one was so weird. I wasn't even moving. My car hardly even moved. The guys bumper just went over top of my bumper and crunched my hood. Just like that, split second and poor Ruby is in line to get a face lift. We called the police, exchanged all of the important information and then went merrily on our way. Without the merrily part. From that point until today I have been all out grumpy pants and I can't shake it! My car is now at the shop awaiting her new face lift. She was said to be unsafe to drive because the hood might fly open, which I was grateful for because now I can have a rental car instead of finding rides or worrying about the hood on my car flying open as I drive down the street. My.rental.is.hot. It's definitely a Taurus. What a laugh! I thought I was done with those cars. I thought renting a car meant you get some fancy schmancy car with a sun roof, especially when you aren't the one paying for it. Apparently this here Taurus is an upgrade because the approved car from the other guys insurance wasn't available. Woo! Upgrade! Really though, I'm grateful for a vehicle and it kind of drives nice. I went for a long, somewhat pointless drive today and I sang at the top of my lungs. It was probably the lightest this weight on my shoulders has felt in awhile. I needed some alone time I guess.

My sister said something awhile ago that has been on my mind ever since. We were talking about her current waves of moods because of pregnancy and how she is so grateful for her husband because he is so patient with her. At one point in the conversation she said something along the lines of "It's nice to have someone that has to listen to what you say and that has to care." And I think somewhere in the conversation we discussed that not only does he have to but he wants to. It made me want that. And the last few days, I really wanted it. I had to deal with all of the crappy insurance stuff and make a lot of phone calls that made me uncomfortable and on top of that I had to deal with one of the most stressful weeks at work I have ever had and all I wanted was to come home to someone that would really hear what I said. Someone that really cared about what I was feeling and someone that could make all those dang insurance phone calls for me. I'm not picky, I would take a mom or an eternal marriage :). I didn't have either of those but there is someone. Someone that is always there, and He may not be able to make my phone calls for me but He'll hear what I am saying. And that brings me peace and strength to keep going. What more could a girl ask for. Okay, so maybe a hug. Yeah...a hug.

Here is poor Ruby.




And a cute pregnant Crackers.

Random

So it has been awhile. So much has been going on lately that I don't really feel like updating but I will say that I love summer. The weather isn't my favorite but I am even getting to the point where I don't even mind that. But my favorite part of summer is that for some reason it brings people together. Maybe because it's BBQ season or because people are less busy with school and such, but whatever the reason, I love it. Since the summer started I have seen my old Raintree pals several times which I always love. I'm curious what it will be like in 10 years if we are still in touch. I bet we'll sit around and tell the same stories we tell now. We have a few favorites that are told over and over but then every now and then little gems...memory gems if you will, come and it's beautiful. I loved sitting in Jays backyard last weekend at the annual birthday bash. It felt comfortable and right. I have also seen a lot of my Baltimore girls recently which is something I can never get enough of. We had a girls night last night and it was everything I needed. I have felt a little off this week, nothing is really wrong I just don't feel like me, but last night I felt SO me. We ate at Applebees, watched and cried over an episode of Oprah and then looked at scrapbooks from the old days when life was easy. (*sigh*) We decided we were just going to rewind and go back to that time. I think we should. I know for a fact that even though our lives are changing and Heatherfer is taking a big step away and getting married and moving to Texas we will all stay close. Years from now we'll get together and our kids will be best friends (they have no choice...) and they'll call all of my friends Aunt so and so and they won't realize until they are 12 that those women actually aren't their aunts (thats how it happened for me). I'm sad to see Heather go but I am so happy for the things that are happening in her life, and I am even happier because as much as I hate change I am handling it quite well, which in the past usually meant I was in denial but whatev, bring it on! Enough of that babble. :)

Recently I made the decision that if I get a small thought or feeling that I should do something, and it is a good something I am going to do it. I have thought about this in the past but always chickened out in the end because calling someone out of the blue just because you thought of them can sometimes be awkward, but it can also be a good thing. I thought of the many times a friend has called or texted or emailed me and said exactly what I needed to hear, or even just the fact that they called was what I needed and so I'm going to try it. I've had a few failed attempts this week but it's kind of fun, and it is a good way to get out of my shell and talk to people I usually wouldn't or contact old friends that I don't talk to as often as I should. It'll be a fun experiment I think.

One last thing, I experienced a tender mercy today. I hesitate to use that phrase because I feel like it has been somewhat...hmmm, can I say this without sounding horrible. I'm just going to say it, I think it has been overused in the last few years. I think tender mercies are amazing things, but until I heard Elder Bednars talk I hadn't really thought about using that phrase to explain things (yes I know it is in the scriptures and maybe I have heard it but, you get what I'm saying.) Anyway, I don't use that phrase often but a cute little thing happened today that I would consider a tender mercy and since I'm trying to be a more grateful person here it is! As I said before, I have been kind of off this week. I'm trying to figure out why but still not sure. Today at work I was feeling especially weird and I had just expressed this to my co-worker. As I was saying it I opened my fantastic 100 calorie pack and pulled out a cookie, which happened to be two cookies stuck together in the shape of a heart. I held it up and my co-worker said "Oh look! You are loved!" That ridiculous little cookie made.my.day. I took a picture of it and set it as the wallpaper on my cell phone. Silly little things like that seem pretty meaningless but today it made me smile and that is all I needed. And so you can all smile with me, here is the picture! Have a fabulous day!

Reunion

I'm going to keep this one short because for once in my life I'm not going to try to explain something to death. I'm just going to say what Lori said tonight as we walked into the Mansfields house and I'm going to post pictures. Done and Done.

"It feels like coming home."

A random smattering. I love the word "smattering"

I love the moments when I am reminded that I am not all alone in this life. My prayers don't go off into space somewhere and float around until luck comes around and my prayer is fulfilled or luck doesn't come around and it isn't. Days like today remind me of that. I'm not even really sure why I felt like this today but all day today I just felt a little bit sad inside. I can't even think of a reason I just felt a little sad and all day I had this almost physical ache for a hug. I've never felt this before so maybe I'm weird and the physical ache was in actuality just my muscles hurting from the intense weight lifting I did yesterday but I kind of think those pains were seperate. Anyway, I didn't really give much thought to it because although I am a very huggy person I haven't had a lot of hugging in my life the last few years and it's something I am used to. I still have certain friends that I am still really huggy with but they are usually the ones I don't see very often (like my Bmore girls.) So I just kind of figured this feeling would pass and all would be well but those feelings did not go unnoticed. Tonight we had a Relief Society Celebration dinner and out of the blue while our Bishop was speaking my friend leaned over and hugged me. At first I was uncomfortable, to no fault of hers, just because as I said hugging has been less common in my life of late. But then I had this spark in my mind that said "You needed a hug, there it was." And I felt better. It was a little thing but something I needed. Anyway, that was just a random thought I wanted to share.

Nate is getting married. I have come to terms with the fact that our friendship will never be the same and although I am sad I am also happy for him. Really happy for him. He is so happy and that really is what I want for my friends. Nate and I have been through a lot together. He took me to my Senior Prom and treated me like a princess while I treated him like a toad and then proceeded to ignore him for 3 months. We shared in the BSE (Best Summer Ever) last summer and the presence of Nate, along with Tom and Heather helped me to figure life out a little more and helped me to figure out the things that I needed to change. He is always a huge support to me and in some situations when something upset me I just wanted to talk to Nate. He is like a big brother and he will listen and give thoughts here and there if appropriate. So, for years I have joked with Nate that I wanted to be his Best Man when he gets married. This joke increased after I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory is her grandfathers best man and she walks into the room dressed in a tuxedo and says "Best man in the house!" Yeah that pretty much wrapped it up for me, I have to be a best man...minus the tuxedo though. When Nate called the other night I jokingly mentioned that I want to be his Best Man and he said okay. haha!! He also said he was going to ask Tom and probably Chris also. I then told him I was going to plan the best bachelor party ever. Ah being a best man is so cool! Anyway, he is getting married in Minnesota which initially made me think that I just wouldn't be able to be there but then I remembered that this year I want to get out there and leave my comfort zone and have new experiences. For most people going to Minneapolis for a wedding isn't a big deal but for me, it's huge. First of all I'll be flying there alone which I have done before but I was always going somewhere that I was familiar with or I was going to be met by someone I knew. The plan is that I will meet Tom (and hopefully Chris and Jenn...) in Minnesota and then we'll hang out and do the wedding stuff then explore for a day after the wedding then I'll fly home. This trip is going to be a new experience for me on many levels. One being that it will be my first time going on an adventure like this one without a family member, with a group of friends in a place we aren't familiar with and because I will (99% sure) be able to attend the temple marriage of one of my friends which is something I have not had the chance to do up to this point. All these new things! Wow! So maybe Minnesota isn't exotic or that far away, and maybe meeting a bunch of friends there and going for a wedding isn't the most adventurous of trips but for me it's huge. I'm not letting fear rule me on this one. Fear of the unknown or any other fear that I will come up with i'm sure. Nate is important to me and being there for his wedding is very important to me. And plus, being able to meet half way (ish) between New York and Utah to hang out with one of my closest friends also doesn't sound like such a bad deal. It would be so amazing if Jenn and Chris came too. Pretty much it would be perfect...I might even forget that we're there for Nate's wedding. ;-) I'm sure more updates will come about this because for a girl like me, this is HUGE. Yay!

Fresh air smells like cow.

I got AWAY this weekend. It was so nice. Chris, Allison and I ran away to Logan this weekend. It was fantastic and I desperately needed it. Chris and Al are the two people I feel the closest to right now and are two people that I feel like I can really be myself around and I needed that this weekend. I had kind of a rough week. In my life (and many others) it is a proven fact that when you are trying to do something good with your life things come your way that are attempts to hold you back. It's when you push through and come out on top that you learn and grow. I should know, I usually don't push through. :) I did this time, don't worry. I'm pretty sure every inadequacy I have came to the surface in my mind this week and it was rough. I spent a lot of time in my room reading The Holy Temple (I needed to finish it by tomorrow and I did! yay!) which gave me less time around people which in turn gave me more time to think. Don't think people. Seriously. Anyway, the point is I needed to get away and we did. We stayed in a motel that we lovingly called "grandma's motel" or something along those lines. It had a duck border...and pictures of ducks (and geese...duck duck duck duck...geese!! heh...I'm HILARIOUS) And the bathroom...wow the bathroom had pink tile and lots of it. The beds were hard as rocks but I ended up sleeping really well anyway. I woke up early to read some more and when I opened the bathroom window after my shower I got a big whiff of "fresh air" if you're Chris...or cow if you're me. I'm never living in a place where the smell of fresh air is in actuality fresh air that smells like cow. I prefer smoggy polluted city air. Just don't take a deep breath when a bus drives by and you'll most likely on some occasions be just fine. :) Now THAT is fresh air. Anyway we didn't do anything exceptional. We did go shopping and dear sweet Chris didn't even hate us for it. We watched a fantastic movie on the Disney channel about double dutch. I love movies like that! And pretty much that was the extent of our time in Logan. But we were away from home and we were together which I'm pretty sure was the point. I had a really great time. This afternoon after we said goodbye to Chris, Allison and I went to see Darcie, my old Mia Maids advisor. Ever since I met Darcie she has been one of those people I just fit with. If I remember correctly we were instantly friends and have stayed that way ever since. We figured out today that I am the age she was when she was my Mia Maids advisor. She had 3 kids...but we won't talk about how I'm behind in that aspect. :) We were able to spend about 2 and a half hours together and I just loved it. I adore her entire family. The kids are so good and I love them so much. They're like my family. I've always wanted to be like Darcie but after today that just increased even more. She is incredibly in tune. She has always known when something was up in my life and when I would hold back. She always knows the exact questions to ask to get you to spill everything (so I usually just end up spilling everything before she asks the questions) and she always has wise advice. Not to mention she is hilarious. I talked to her about the big step I'm about to take and she knew exactly what to say for me. She was so supportive and without saying much she said a ton and I had this feeling of peace when I left that I have been searching for all week. I just love how well she knows me and that she has known me for so long and that we can still be so close. I want to be just like her.

Tonight I went to Kiely's concert and listened to the Singers do their very own special rendition of some Beatles songs. It was fantastic. Afterwards we all went to Ihop because..hi..where else do you go on a Saturday night at 10. While we were at Ihop one of my friends called me a doormat. I will be honest, it hurt. That's something I have worked really hard on especially after another friend told me the same thing a few years ago. After my initial hurt and annoyance at the insensitivity of the statement I got over it because I realized that I know that I'm not. There is a huge difference between being a nice person and being walked all over and I am going for being a nice person. I have a long way to go before I am the person I want to be but at least I know that I am making progress. And I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think and so I'm done with it. It's over.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Not only am I meeting with my bishop again (which is the huge part) BUT it's the big 100 minute "Summit of the Sexes" dating talk. Gee golly I can't wait. I am in a place right now where I am okay that I'm not dating. Nobody freak, I haven't decided that I don't want to get married or anything like that but I am just okay with my life the way it is right now. If I was asked on a date I wouldn't turn them down but I'm not bitter that I'm not being asked out. The dating lesson will definitely be interesting. I am curious to see how much of it really applies to me because these things are usually aimed at the people that actually go on dates so Amy and I have planned to sit in the back and color and text sarcastic messages to each other. Maybe I will learn something. I'm not closing it off completely but I'm also not getting my hopes up. After telling Darcie about it she asked what they wanted to come of it and then suggested that they put names in a hat and everybody draw one and then everyone would have a date. Don't worry she wasn't serious. I know everyone is holding their breath in anticipation. I'll update you don't worry. But now it is time for bed.

I'm wordy...

Wow, so after getting Josh's comment on my last post I realized that I sure talked a lot. (And I know Josh wasn't telling me I was wordy or anything like that I just realized that I was.) So here is a less wordy post. I went bowling last Friday. I wanted to see if I really am good at bowling all of a sudden or if the last time I went was just a fluke. Well, I bowled and so did some other very talented bowlers (such as Chris and Amy and her boyfriend) and I won! Holy COW! I won. And I broke 100...119 to be exact. So I plan to use "Pins" as my name everytime I bowl from now on because it's working for me. Here is a picture of my winning score. I'm "P". Amy was a close second (Big Rosie if you will...) It was such a fun night!

My Sisters belly has a heartbeat...and some other random stuff.

Sooo. My sister is preggers. Yeah, I've known for awhile but it has been kind of a sensitive topic after her miscarriage so it has just been family information for the last few months. But alas, she went to the doctor and got to hear the baby heartbeat. How tender is that?! I'm going to be an Auntie! Auntie Bess...that's me. I'm really so excited. My sister is going to be such a great mom and I am going to be SUCH a great Aunt! heh heh. So now we're allowed to start picking up baby clothes and not just looking from afar while pretending that we aren't looking and we're allowed to talk plans because it is no longer a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage and we all feel a little safer. My sister is so strong and she made it through her miscarriage so well and sometimes I think she dealt better then I did...what's new really. Anyway that is the big huge superbly SO GOOD news. My sister is pregnant.

Now everything else. I had an incredible President's Day weekend. Friday night the roommates and adopted roomie Laura went to the big city for a night away from our suffocating town. We stayed in a fancy shmancy hotel and ate lots of food and stayed up all night. My friend Chris came and joined us and ended up getting a room at the hotel so he got to hang out with us all night and it was so fun. He's one of us now. It's official. He survived a girls night a long tiring girls night and we're proud. I felt so refreshed (and with only 3 hours of sleep!) and never wanted to leave. It's kind of funny that I wasn't even gone 24 hours and I wasn't even an hour from home and yet it was so nice. The weather was beautiful we got to walk in the city to go to dinner (which I love doing...I LOVE walking in cities.) and we ran all around the hotel all night had elevator races and didn't even get kicked out. Even though we were threatened when a joke was made about having a pillow fight with feather pillows. Did you know they'll charge you an extra $150 if you do that? Yeah, they told us...even though we weren't going to follow through it was good information to have..ya know just in case the sparkling cider got to us. Anyway it was really fun and I think it was kind of a healing trip in a way. Roommate Amy and I are on the mend. We were best friends for a long time before we...how do you say..."broke up" I guess. And then I was really hurt and had to take some time but lately things have changed for me and that has helped our friendship immensely. On the drive home we ended up talking and we really talked. We discussed what happened and what has happened since we kind of gave up on the friendship. It was a really good talk and things felt so much better afterwards. I still have a few things holding me back but that is me having walls. I never used to have walls now I have tons of walls. Life will do that to ya I guess. Anyway, we fixed things and it's really good. I also feel like things changed with my friendship with Chris. He's one of those friends I have always known would be there but we didn't talk a ton. I think I tend to take him for granted and I'm not proud of that but it's something I am working on. We've been friends for a few years now with a short break in the middle while he was on his mish and I was failing as a friend and not writing him letters. But he found me when he got home (helps that I hadn't moved...see people no change for me) and we have been best friends since then. This kid has the biggest heart of anyone I know. A lot of times caring about people so much is looked at as a negative thing (boy do I know!) but I think it is a huge gift and I'm really grateful to have someone like that in my life. I always know he's there and I am eternally grateful for that. After our so fun girls night we've been "Gchatting" and it's refreshing. Gchat...bringing friends together. I tell ya. Anyway I just know that I'm really blessed to have him as a friend. He gets me and lately that's kind of rare. Anyway, the rest of the weekend wasn't very eventful. Church was especially inspiring on Sunday and I left wanting to be better. I have made it a point to try a little harder spiritually this week. I really put a lot of heart into my scripture study and prayers and after a really inspiring RS lesson on Sunday I set some other goals that I have kept also. It has resulted in a really good week and a lot of clarity in my mind. I've been kind of going back and forth with a decision I am trying to make lately and this week has brought me to a new realization. I have a tendency to make a decision and then think about it so much that I talk myself out of it. One thing I want so badly this year is to stop being so careful and to stop holding myself back out of fear. So as I have thought about a discussion I had with my Bishop before Christmas and have gone back and forth on where to go with this decision I finally came to a conclusion this week. I'm not perfect but it's going to be a long time before I can be. I am trying and my life is in a place now that it hasn't been in a long time. I have felt really truly strong for almost a year now and that is new to me and I know it has happened for a reason. So, I'm going to do it. "it" isn't something I want to post publicly but the person I am becoming is something I want to put into words so I'm probably doing this more for myself then anything.

I think I have posted about this before, but my friend Tom has a habit (and by habit I mean more then once but not everytime we see each other, he's not a freak.) of telling me after some time apart, that I have grown up. I always love hearing it, as I'm sure most people would, we like progress and to hear that someone you are close to sees that progress feels good. The times he said that I never really felt like I had changed or grown up that much but right now, wow right now I feel like I have grown up. I think everyone has that moment when you realize that you are a grown up sooo what am I waiting for? I had it and I went with it. It has made me think about my job a lot because ya know, grown ups work...I work...I'm a grown up...but am I doing what I want to do forever? No. no no no no no no no. That is something I know for sure. I want to do something that will touch lives and as much as they try to convince me (and they have) editing the yellow pages does not touch lives. I had to get out of that mindset though. I work with some incredible people. We're like a little family and those people have changed me and I think we have all grown to really care for each other. I think that having a job where I feel appreciated and that I feel like I am remotely good at isn't such a bad job to have. My newest project at work is to write a training manual. Let's be honest...have I ever thought I knew how to do something well enough to write a training manual on it? Big big no. But here I am. They trust me and believe that I do my job well enough that writing that manual is something I am capable of. I always thought that this job would be the kind of thing that held me back. Once you learn how to do the job there isn't much progress you can make but I have seen myself grow so much over the last two years. So, for now I am going to stick with it. I don't mind getting up in the morning to go to work and that right there is a sign. So there we have it. My life still isn't easy, but it feels do-able and knowing I'm not in it alone is making all the difference. Yeah, wow I'm pretty blessed.

PS I still make fun of people that say So Good...but I also still say it once in awhile. Call me a hypocrite, see if I care.

Oh and here is my favorite picture from the weekend.

So good & holding on.

I mock people for saying "so good" in response to a number of different questions. "How are you?" "So good." "How was the movie?" "So good!" "How do I look?" "So good!" etc...there are many different situations and most of the time it's because of the way it was said but I officially am not allowed to mock anymore...because I said it. And meant it. Don't worry after I said it I thought in my head "soo good, soooooo good...so good." As I always say in response to someone saying "so good." But I said it. My Rach asked me how my day was and I said "so good" It was just a normal day got up early went to work etc. But I felt happy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but I was happy and I thought that was worth sharing. It's still new to me, this constant feeling of peace even when things aren't all that peaceful around me so I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's real I guess. Anyway, enough of the so good talk.

Today was a fantastic day. I think everyone has a person or a few people that they feel they can be themselves around no matter what. I know I do and I was reminded of that today because I spent time with a large number of those people today. Crackers birthday was yesterday so for her birthday celebration a bunch of the girls from the good old days went to Ihop for breakfast. There were only a few of us but it was so fun. I loved sitting back and watching everyone interact and I loved seeing how comfortable we are with each other. We just fit. When we were leaving I think we all felt a little sad for it to end. It's not often that you are with a group of people that you can just sit back and breathe with. Or you can just watch or listen and still feel involved. So as we stood in the lobby of Ihop and hugged and said our goodbyes we all agreed to do it again and I really hope we will. I have kept in touch with all of them individually but all of us being together at once is rare but wonderful. Each of those girls has really been a huge part of my life and making me who I am and I think I will always hold onto them.

After the wonderful breakfast I went to meet Heatherfer and her boyfriend so we could go to the salty city to see our friend Tom. He's visiting for the weekend and we were able to spend a bit of time together. We have been friends since teenagehood and after spending so much time together this past summer we are all really close and comfortable with each other. We went bowling and I totally kicked trash. I rarely break 40 when I bowl but I got a 92 today. Now that's impressive...gosh I'm amazing. :) It was really fun to be together and to again just feel so comfortable. I think we (or at least I) am constantly assessing situations and pondering how it is different from the last time I was with those people or in that situation and I found myself doing that again today. By the end of last summer I felt pretty comfortable I had gotten past the thoughts of "oh they are just spending time with me because we grew up together and they have to" and the feelings of inadequacy and had moved on to comfort but today I felt like me. I felt like Beth and well, as I have said four thousand times before that is different. It's little times like this that I hold onto as a little bit of hope for myself. I see myself growing and changing and I see that it is good. I came home tonight feeling fulfilled. Nothing spectacular happened today but I am learning that not everyday or moment or even every year needs to be spectacular. It's all just a part of making me me. Whatev, that all makes sense in my head and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this here psycho babble so I'm not going to try to fix it. A few pictures from my day:


The girls















Bowling For Life & Pins (our bowling names for the day)

Home Sweet Home :-)

I went home. I LOVE Baltimore. Or maybe the east coast in general, but especially Baltimore. I can honestly say that without a doubt this was my best Christmas ever. Sure it was accompanied by some anxiety but this is me we're talking about. I have anxiety about everything, nothing and all the stuff in between. The only thing I would change about my Christmas break is the length and really I can't even complain about that. I was able to stay for over a week and with my job that is a miracle. The holidays fell JUST right so I just got really lucky I guess! I really don't want to go into the individual details of each day on my trip so maybe I'll just do an overview.

Family: I spent so much time with them. More then ever in the past which may explain why it was such a wonderful visit. I spent a lot of time with my cousins who are truly the most amazing 14 & 12 year old that I know. Especially the 14 year old. He's just a good kid. He can be a punk but he has the sweetest heart and I adore him. He wanted to do something with me on the Friday before I left and I told him I couldn't because I would be in NC visiting my best friend and he said "Why, I'm right here" Yeah almost cancelled my trip right then and there. Not really, but you get it. Oh and he picked out one of my Christmas presents all by himself and I love it. It is seriously my favorite present (next to the pink iPod but really that isn't even comparable) He and his dad went shopping for scarves for my sis and I and when they were leaving my Uncle said they should get one for my aunt also. My cousin said they should give the one they picked for me to his mom and then picked up another one and said they should get that one for me because I like things that sparkle! haha! That made me laugh really hard but I love it. It has really pretty blue and greyish stripes with gold thread through it...that description didn't do it justice but in one of the pictures I plan to post below you can see it if you really care. I got to spend a lot of time with my aunt and my mom and my grandma. All good things. I really love my Gran. We didn't always get along but now we're just pals. I get her more and I think she gets me too. I haven't cried when I left Maryland in years but when I said bye to my cousins and Gran I seriously had to work not to cry. Oh and we finally took a family photo. Everyone is in it except my cousin and his wife. Our family isn't that big but you would think it was by the fact that we haven't had a family photo since I was an infant.

Friends: I was able to see a few friends that I really wanted to see and I liked it that way. I liked that I didn't feel like I was rushing around trying to see people. It just kind of worked out. I spent time with my Bmore friends that live in Utah now. I always think that is kind of silly to be with them there when I can be with them here but it is different there. We grew up together so when I see them I usually see their families too and it's always so fun. T had a dessert birthday thing which was nice because I was able to see a few people that I wanted to see but knew I probably wouldn't get to otherwise. I had a good long talk with A.S. which is rare these days but really good. We used to be really close and things have changed but we just connect really well everytime we are together. We talked about a lot of things that I didn't even realize I was feeling. One thing about Wafe (A.S.) and I is that even though our lives are different in most ways in a few basic ways we really connect. We are kind of dealing with similar things right now and it makes each step a little easier to know you aren't alone in your feelings. A good friend reminded me not to let being in Utah make me feel old and I think it was a reminder I needed. I don't feel too old but being here can definitely get you to feel that. What?! I'm 23 almost 24 and not married?! For the love I'm a freak! Yeah...like that. I went to North Carolina and saw my best friend since I was 14 and her husband their DAUGHTER. She is almost two and perfect. Sweetest kid you'll ever meet. She called me Bess. Did you cry a little bit when you read that? I did. It was so good to be with them. It was hard because things are so different now. Best Friend and I can't have sleepovers and talk about boys and stay up all night anymore. Nap time and food time and family time are all more important which is wonderful but hard too. Best Friend is an amazing mommy. I'm really proud of her and love seeing that she is exactly as I pictured she would be when we were 14 and only dreaming of this part of our lives. The drive was long but worth it. I spent New Years Eve with HB and her fam and my mom and it was perfect. I always love New Years at their house because we just relax, eat and talk. We played some Aye Aye Nephi which is the next big card game, I can feel it...heh...hmmm.

Baltimore, New Years, Final Thoughts: Baltimore is gorgeous. We went to Ft McHenry with my cousins and it was the perfect day. A little windy but beautiful. Pictures below. I don't like that I have been in the "bubble" for so long that I feel scared sometimes when I am in Maryland. I never did growing up. I mean, obviously some situations anyone would be scared, but I never felt like my life was in danger but now all of a sudden I go home and I am afraid of a billion different things. I didn't let myself give into that fear this time and by the time I left I felt a little more comfortable. The whole week before New Years I was thinking a lot about my life. Mostly because of the conversation I had with Wafe. I really feel like I'm not moving forward right now. I have felt that way for awhile but I have done a lot of growing and improving and I need to remember that. I don't think I could really move forward with my life without the things I am learning and the strength I feel myself gaining. But this year I am going to make a difference. Even if it is little I want to take some steps forward. I already see one big move in my future in the spiritual part of my life and although I am nervous I am more excited then anything and want so badly to be ready. There are other things but I'm not quite ready to say those yet. Anyway there is a song I listened to today at work that made my ears perk up adn I have decided it is my song for this year. Here are some of the words:

I'm gonna stop lookin back
Start movin on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
Make my mark
I wanna leave somethin here
Go out on a ledge without any nets
Thats what I'm gonna be about

If you know me then without a doubt you know that I hold myself back more then anyone or anything could but my goal is to let go of that some. I don't expect to change completely that is something that I think will take years but I want to continue taking the steps I have started taking and make a difference in my life. I want to let go of my issues and fears and really love people like I used to. I want to do what I feel inspired to do and not worry what someone is going to think of that. I want to look at life and see all of the good things in it and be grateful for the trials. I have been touched by so many people who live their lives this way and I want to do everything I can to touch other peoples lives.

Here are some pictures from my trip

My cousins and I pretending that we are about to go to jail...obviously I am the only one upset about this

My cute cousins and my Beautiful Baltimore all in one picture

My immediate family

The cousins

Mi Familia

Auntie Bess with J & J in North Carolina

We played a little bit of Jenga talk about anxiety...

If you could see the clock it would say 12:04. Happy New Year! Have some bubbly! Oh and the phone is in the picture because H.B. was talking to boyfriend and of course we wanted boyfriend in the picture!