Brisket, White Christmas and Old Friends

Wow, it's Sunday. The weekend went by SO fast which quite possible hate much to do with the fact that I went Christmas shopping for 5 hours yesterday. I was feeling well enough to go to church today for the first time in 3 weeks. I loved being there and I really felt like I was right where I needed to be which, right now I really needed to feel. The Bishopric spoke today and I was really touched by their talks. I felt so strongly how much they love us and when they talked about how two of them expect to be released soon I felt a pang in my heart. I have to say I was shocked by that. After leaving the 136th ward I didn't think I would love a bishopric as much as I loved that one but I do. The 136th ward was a huge part of my growing up and the Bishopric and their wives were seriously like my family in times that I really needed a family and I didn't think that could happen twice. It really has though. I had some fears at first mostly because of an experience that I let hurt me too deeply but I have since gained an incredible relationship with my Bishop and love and appreciate him SO much. He has helped me to really work through a lot of hard things and he is helping me to take new steps in my life. Anyway point is I was really touched and grateful for them today. I was really excited for after church today also because the other night at the Brian Regan show B.T. & his wife B invited us over for our beloved White Christmas movie night. Roommate A.V. and I went and so did L.H. & husband. We were all invited at Brian Regan and when we got there and saw some old friends (B.T's old roommates/guys we used to be really close with) and their wives were there too. I worried at first that it might be awkward but it ended up being really fun, which it always is I just have to get over my issues of thinking things are awkward when they don't have to be. I actually got over it quite quickly and felt very comfortable and at home which is something I got so used to not feeling that everytime I do it is a little shock. Dinner was really delicious (thus the Brisket part of the title of this blog) and it was fun chatting. I'm really grateful that B.T. is sort of like I am with friends in that he doesn't just give up on people. When he got married and I teased him, as I do with all of my friends, that he was now going to move on without us. He made it very clear that he planned to be different and he certainly has been. We spend just as much time with him now as we did before and I'm glad. I adore his wife and always enjoy myself when we're together. B.T. has been an incredible friend to me and ever since the night he came in the middle of the night to give me a blessing and had to sit and watch me sob for a long time before I could even talk I have known he is the really good kind. The kind you keep. He never mentioned my breakdown again which made the initial awkwardness that I felt go away immediately. I'm not making sense but this time of year does that to me. And having a little Christmasy dinner with a bunch of old friends all of which have touched my life deeply in one way or another brings back a lot of feelings and memories which brings the gratitude I was too lost and numb to feel when they were in my life regularly.


In Relief Society today we talked about unity and how it can give strength. The teacher asked people to share experiences or examples of times when they felt that and I just leaned over to roommate A and whispered "136". She knew what I meant and whether or not she was thinking it I know she agrees. I have talked to a lot of people from that ward and all of them have said the same thing. They have never felt like they belonged more then they did in that ward. I think of that and just feel so overcome with gratitude because I see where I am now. Things aren't perfect and I have a long way to go before life is what I want it to be but it is better and I think of those times 2, 3 years ago when I was as low as I could possibly get. I was in a scary place and I wanted to give up but something kept me going and I truly believe the strength I received from being a part of something made me not give up. My Heavenly Father knew what I needed in order to help me and I wasn't in a place where dealing with life the way normal people do would work. I needed a support system and I got it. I have trouble grasping how blessed I am but I am truly grateful. I'm a babbling mess. I'm just in a good place right now. I have things I want to improve and things I want to learn and do but I am really in a good place. It's late, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow...3 things that don't go well together.


I'm out.

One week...

In one week my mom will be HERE! I really can't wait. I mean really really. I've been sooo homesick and I have had some moments of lonliness of sorts and it's so nice to have mom around. I just can't wait. That's all there is to it. It's been a pretty good week. There have been some work issues that I am struggling with but I am trying to be strong and ignore it. The boss gets back Thursday and then I won't have to worry about it anymore I'll just have to get myself to fight the temptation to run it over in my mind which will in turn make me feel unappreciated over and over and I really don't want to get into that. Soo, I'll work on that.

Sunday was a really good day. Mostly. On Saturday the girl that was teaching Relief Society on Sunday called and asked if I would share with the sisters a trial I have had that I relied on the Lord to get through. Lets be honest here. I totally freeaaaked. Hellooo anxiety attack. I told her I would let her know and then I hung up the phone and cried. Then I told myself that she asked me for a reason and I needed to do it. I don't know why but I knew I needed to so I called and told her I would do it. Sunday started morning right when I woke up the anxiety started and didn't go away until about 20 minutes after I shared my experience in Relief Society. I was praying like crazy to know what to say. The thing that kept coming to my mind was the last thing I wanted to share, I didn't want to feel so exposed. For a girl that has worked VERY hard the past 3 years to be as unexposed as possible, getting up and telling a group of gorgeous, spiritual girls that seem (seem) to have it all together, that I struggle with depression was the last thing I wanted to do but I was supposed to so I did. I don't know what I said when I got up there but for the first time in years when I sat down I wasn't beating myself up for sounding stupid. Although I was shaking so much that people were probably beginning to wonder what my deal was I felt like I expressed myself clearly and the spirit was there, for me at least. I cried for a long time after I sat down but it wasn't so much a bad cry. All of RS was really amazing and the spirit was very strong and I did feel a closeness to the sisters that I hadn't felt before. It's hard to be in a ward with so many people that, at first glance, it seems I have nothing in common with but I have learned well over the years that the first glance means nothing. So ya know I'm working on that. Anyway the rest of Sunday was good too. I went and visited HB for her birthday and chatted with her for a little while which is always fun. We planned with Nate to go to dinner Monday night so I had something to look forward to. :-)

Work on Monday was one of those days where you just want to cry a whole bunch but you don't and then things get better. I just kept thinking about being with my summer friends minus T and I felt like I could make it. I did, no worries. It was so fun to be with N & H. We went to dinner at P.F Chang's (We asked what the P & F stand for the girl only knew that it was their names so we decided it must be Paul & Frank...Chang.) The person that brought our food out messed up and brought the wrong food but they put it on our table so they couldn't give it to the rightful owners, therefore it became ours FOR FREE. Heck yes two free entree's!! We were so excited and ate a whole bunch. Try the Mongolian Beef it's delicious (especially when it's free, otherwise it costs $15 and I dont' know how worth it that is...although it is pretty tasty...) We took what was left of our food to N's girlfriend and were able to spend a few hours talking with her. It was the first real conversation we've been able to have with her and hey, if N ends up marrying this cute girl we want to know her! :-) She's wonderful and I'm excited for N to be with someone that he loves so much and that loves him too.

The birthday celebrations continued today but for roommate A this time. We got pizza from CPK (heh heh) and had cake and ice cream and watched Cars...well, they're currently watching it still I am going to bed early tonight though because I didn't get to bed til 1 last night and I felt sooo sick all day and ended up leaving work early.

Anyway, that is life as of now. I am trying to get back in the habit of the goals I set for myself awhile ago. Hopefully I will do it. I really noticed a difference in myself when I was doing those things and I want to feel that way again. Until next time...

Tuesday already! Yay! I have an admission...I listened to Harry Potter (the 1st book) on CD at work yesterday and today and I loved it...DANG IT! Seriously, I have been fighting this for years but pure boredom overcame my stubborness and I listened to it. I am so ashamed, but really excited too. I can totally see why everyone loves it. How embarrassing. Pride is bad, don't give in! My awesome old roomie is going to let me borrow the rest of her cds so I can feed this new addiction. What a pal. :-) I'm really awake today, I went to bed at 9 last night and slept until 7. Lucky me!!

R called me today and asked if I want to go to Disney on Ice this weekend. SO there! I'm really excited. Mostly to hang with R but Disney on Ice should be fun too.

Okay, so just a quick jump back to Sunday. Sunday was incredible. Fast and Testimony meeting was amazing, Sunday School also amazing and Relief Society...well pretty much just blew me away. I am amazed more and more at the faith of the sisters in my RS. I have SO much I can learn from them and I love being there. The lesson was given by the RS Secretary and she chose my favorite talk from all of conference for the basis of her lesson. She used the first talk from the RS General meeting. It's amazing, I don't care if you are a girl or not you should read this talk. All of them really, but that one really touched me. As I wrote about once before, they had a video of sisters sharing their testimonies on how they feel the love of the Lord in their lives at the conference session. That question was posed to us in RS and wow, I was so touched by the answers the sisters gave. Every one of them should have been in that video. That lesson was one that I wished more then ever that anxiety wouldn't hold me back so much. There were things I just wanted to share but fear overcame that desire. I hate that. One time I even raised my hand but after not being the first chosen (which is SO okay by the way) I chickened out and thought my answer wouldn't be as good so I didn't answer. I did read a quote because I just needed to do something. Just thinking about that lesson right now fills my heart so much. Relief Society is awesome. I love that we have a place to go that feels so safe, I truly feel that sisterhood that everyone always talks about. Amazing.

We invited some people over for pie on Sunday night and unfortunately everyone was busy but AF from the ward did come and I was so glad. She is such a cool person and I don't really know her very well but I have a feeling we have some things in common. This girl KNOWS geneology. I wish I did, maybe someday I'll ask her to teach me. She taught a class in church last year but I have taken that class soo many times and I never really get it and I just felt like I would end up being frustrated just like every other time so I didn't go. I think I'm more of a one on one kind of student. Anyway, she came and had some pie and then stayed for ward prayer. It was fun to talk with her a bit more. Ward prayer was interesting as always, especially with the help of my roommates electric shock game. Not quite sure why people like to be hurt but they kept playing. It was really funny. :-) I ended up staying up way too late and hanging out with my roommates, ALL OF THEM, which is something we haven't done in forever. It wasn't completely interactive but it was nice.

I miss having social experiences and I keep feeling like the effort I am putting forth never works out. I'm keeping a positive attitude about it and convincing myself that it isn't personal, because I really don't think it is. People are busy, that is where it ends. It is certainly a weird change from 223 land where we didn't even have to work for it, we had it so much that it sometimes got old. Now I have to work for it and it is hard. We don't have a ton of people that we can invite over but I'm trying. I invited N over for pie and he said he would come after work but ended up having to stay late and couldn't coem because he had to be somewhere at 10. I was so sad! I miss him and never get to talk to him anymore. He is going to meet his girlfriends family next week which will be one of the last steps needed before they get engaged. I am so excited for him but I do miss him. We have been friends since we were 13 or 14 and he has always been a strength to me. He took me to my prom and put up with me being a brat to him afterwards. He is the only person I wrote to regularly on his mission. He is like my brother and after spending so much time together this summer I just miss him. That's all. Don't read into that people for the love don't be like that. I just miss him. The end. That is all.

I'm out.

Waited til the end and still have no title

I really hate putting titles on these here blog posts...Maybe I will do that last.

I was so dang productive today. AL and I left the house this morning while it was still MORNING (before noon...not much before but still, showered dressed and gone by noon on a Saturday is incredible!) We shopped til we dropped and didn't really buy anything frivolous unless you count snowman candle holders that cost $4, but I don't think those count at all. While we were out I got a text informing me that another friend is engaged. JK deserves it more then anyone I can think of and I am SO thrilled for him but I have to say I was surprised, which was probably evident in my response which went something like "um, what? really?" Soon followed by a friendly congratulatory text. I guess I figured it would happen soon but J and I haven't talked in awhile so I hadn't heard any of the latest details. I'm thrilled for him and wish for him all of the happiness in the world because he deserves it. Getting that text made me a little sad, I will just say it straight out. I'm happy, SO happy for him but it's always a little sad when a guy friend is getting married because things change. When your girlfriends get married you can totally stay friends, it is expected but when guy friends get married it's different. I have one guy friend who got married and is still completely normal with me and I am insanely grateful, but it isn't common and I don't expect it. I think I just realized that the more and more my friends go off and get married the less friends I'll have...hey that's not okay!! :-) I remember one night JK saying to those of us in the car that we are the kind of friends that last. Someday we're all going to be married and have kids and we'll still be like, oh yeah my friend J or my friend R and our kids can be friends too. Friends that last, sitting on rocking chairs on their front porches talking about the "good old days"...that sounds good to me.

Speaking of the good old days I ran into a friend from the "good old days" today. I'm tellin ya, my week to see old friends. I saw her at the one place you run into someone you know EVERY time you go there...Walmart. It was so fun to see her and catch up. It had been a few years I think since we have talked and I loved it. She was in the old ward back in its prime. When the whole ward was BF'sF (haha!) and we hung out together all the time. Tightest bond I have ever had with such a huge number of people and it lasts. To this day I see people from that time and my heart is warmed because of what we all shared. We may not have known everyone on a deep personal level but everyone felt welcome and loved and a part of something. Some of my best friends came from that time in my life and I will hold on to them forever. Anyway, it was so refreshing talking to my friend because as we talked she brought up the good old days and everything she said hit so close to home and I just had to thank her because sometimes I think that it was so good I had to have made it up. But it was real, she said so. :-)

I bought stuff to make pumpkin pie tomorrow and although I am excited about it I am a little nostalgic because the years that T was living out here we made pie from scratch right out of a real pumpkin and yes I assume I could do that too but really, lets be honest, that is a lot of work and it is SO less fun when you aren't doing it with your besties. So I bought the canned stuff. *Shhh don't tell* We're hoping to have some friends over to eat those there pies tomorrow after the fireside so hey we might just be social for a few minutes. Miracle of miracles.

I need to find a new place to live. In these parts you have to sign up early to get the good stuff but I am at a total loss. I don't even know where to begin. This will be the first time I'm moving alone I have always known someone but this is just me this time. Scary, but good for me. Now although my social life would be worse then it is now, I would love to have my own place. I just need to find someone to pay for it. heh heh. That would be the dream but it won't happen for awhile I'm sure. Maybe just one other roommate would be good. Maybe I should just move to Boston to my two bedroom wood floor apartment with a fireplace that I have decided is so "Boston" and sooo what I am looking for. Good old apartments.com Helping lost 20 somethings find a home one dingy rundown apartment at a time. *sigh* Welp, I am off to watch a movie that has come highly recommended by T. A Prairie Home Companion. I love the soundtrack I'm sure I will love the movie. I'll let you know...whoever you are...

I Like Fridays

I went and had girls night with MH and her daughter, who we will call baby girl. I had soo much fun! My drive to up there was quite frightening but I made it safely. There were SO many accidents on the freeway tonight a 30 minute drive took me an hour and twenty minutes tonight. It was crazy! M took me to Cracker Barrel for my first ever experience. It was so fun! I love the atmosphere of that place, not to mention all the carbs. mu haha! I had hashbrown things that tasted like bagels to me. M swears i'm crazy but that is nothing new. I love the store at Cracker Barrel AND when M told the lady at the register it was my first CB experience she gave me a treat. Now I have a map so I can find a CB in all of my travels. :-) How kind! Oh yeah, and big laugh of the night...hostess asked if we needed silverware for the baby. Uhhh...2 months old, obviously too young to be eating anything off of silverware...good times good times. Baby girl was so good which made it so M and I could talk which I always love. I love being with her, when we lived together we had our disagreements but after awhile we just sort of clicked and now she is one of my favorite people to be with. She's absolutely hilarious and easy to talk to and I always have a blast being with her. Not to mention baby girl is the cutest thing in the whole world and they do say holding a baby once a week will make it so you're always happy. I don't know how true that is but gosh I sure do love playing with her! M and I sang to some loud rap-type music while getting white hot chocolate from starbucks which, with the rap makes it a very M type adventure! Oh and if you have never tried white hot chocoloate you should. Best stuff in the world, I promise. YUM! We went and saw Paco at work and then headed home. I had such a good time and they have such a cute family. M and Paco are so in love and they love baby girl so much. They're amazing parents and I admire them for that!

This has been my week for talking to people I haven't talked to in awhile, mostly a month or more and it's been fun. I love having people I can talk to once or twice a month and still be close. Seeing each other is even better. Crackers and I feel the need to fit in a million things everytime we talk or see each other. We live 5 mins away from each other but for some reason we don't talk very often and have this need to shove it all into what ends up being very long (and enjoyable) conversations. I got to have one of those with her today and it made me happy. :-) The weekend is here again which means I am going to try to be productive. I'm going to attempt spring cleaning. It's the fall though so I'm not completely sure how well it will work but I have a feeling it will be better. In the spring I just want to be outside all the time because the weather is so perfect and although I love the Fall the temptation is probably less so perhaps it will happen. If not, oh well. Maybe next week.

Happy things:

Holding babys
Visiting with old friends
The temple
flip flops
having a place to write my thoughts even if no one reads them but me

It was almost a terrible horrible no good very bad day...

Today was weird, I'll be honest. It isn't quite over yet so maybe it will continue to be weird but who knows! I had a moment today where I realized that the way I was acting was ridiculous and embarrassing and I couldn't believe I was being such a child. I have those moments once in awhile but I usually justify it but today I realized I hated the way I felt. I felt horrible for being a brat and so I did something about it. I couldn't believe what a difference it made. What happened was so small and unimportant and quite possibly would have been forgotten by tomorrow but I didn't want to feel crappy and I really wanted to apologize so I did. I kept telling myself, oh you're at work, boss lady treats you like that all the time you don't have to apologize to her for treating her like that, you don't do things like that at work just at home. But I couldn't get it out of my mind so I emailed boss lady and apologized. Usually when boss lady gets mad she stays mad for the rest of the day but the email softened my heart and hers. So, I guess no matter how hard it is to humble myself it's usually a pretty good idea. So what I thought was the beginnings of a terrible horrible no good very bad day became just a normal day.

My job is the type of job that if you don't have music or SOMETHING going on you'll most likely go crazy. I get to the point sometimes where I am sick to death of my music. After listening to the Prairie Home Companion soundtrack about 7 times in a row today I decided it was about time I find something else to listen to. (I hadn't listened to that cd in forever so I wasn't sick of it yet like I am with the rest of my music) I decided to listen to the Relief Society session of conference which I have listened to 3 times already at work but I absolutely love it and I am so grateful I can listen to it while I'm doing my mindless work. Feeling uplifted and filled with the spirit at work is something rare but amazing! When I went to the conference center for the session and every time I have listened to it since there has been one part that jumps out at me every time. It is a part that you wouldn't expect. Or at least I wouldn't. Relief Society is amazing and even in conference they make it a little more special and this year they had a video of sisters sharing their testimonies about how they feel the love of the Lord in their lives. It touches me every time but there is one sister in particular that every time I hear it I have to rewind and listen to it again and so I do. Finally today I wrote down what she said. Her comment is so simple but I think it is the way she says it that touches me. She is filled with faith and love for th Lord and she has a light, even just listening to her I can tell how close she is to the Savior. Anyway, this is what she says:

"Obstacles do come but if I have trust and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and do what I need to do to keep the commandments, whatever happens is the will of the Lord and I will obey."

How amazing is that? Everytime I hear that I just think about it and realize, not only do I need to have faith but I need to do my part. I need to work to keep the commandments and maybe it is the end that touches me the most because it is so hard to remember and so hard to do. Whatever happens is the will of the Lord and I will obey. Wow, that womans faith amazes me. I want to be like that. Anyway, that was a little out of nowhere but I couldn't ignore the way it made me feel.

After work I went and bought the conference issue of the Ensign and I am so excited to read and study it. I'm excited to feel the things I felt during conference again and ponder on them more. I'm about to have a girls night with LH and AV. I'm excited about it because it's the first time we've hung out without the hubby since L got married. Although we love her hubby to death I think it will be fun. It's also the first time to hang out since L got back to Utah that A and I are on better terms then we have been in months. Things are still hard for me because I do feel hurt but things change, often they are less dramatic when they change but hey things happen how they have to I guess. Anyway, it should be fun. If nothing else we're having a Gilmore Girls marathon and really who can complain about that. Hmm, maybe I'll try to go see RT tonight...it's been a month. Okay I'm out.

Do blogs really need titles?

Wow, so it has been a long time since my last blog. I've been inspired by others lately to blog more often and after reading my old blogs I don't think it's such a bad thing to be inspired to do. I don't think I fully remembered how I was feeling 5 months ago so reading about it made me realize how much things have changed. This summer has been full of growing experiences and I see such a change in my life. I'm starting to become okay with change, and although I am the queen of fighting change maybe this is a start. I got a blessing over a year ago that mentioned that I was going to have a big change coming in my life and that the things that were going on in my life were preparing me for that change. Many times since then I have wondered, "hmm, maybe this is the big change." But never before have I felt so ready for something big and new. I realized more than ever this summer that I am loved and very blessed and that answers to prayers come in unexpected ways. I got to spend the majority of my summer with 3 people that I have been friends with for close to 10 years. The old friends are the ones you take for granted. I think I always figured that because I had known these three for so long their purpose in my life was done and we had just stayed friends because we love each other. But I realized that over and over again they have blessed my life. What they did for me was so simple but so incredible for me. I don't think H, N & T will ever know how much I needed this summer. For years I haven't been the Beth that I was always happy to be and in a way I have been searching hard for that Beth. And suddenly, I am given the chance to spend a few months with some great friends who know me, REALLY know me and in the end I figure out who "me" is. For the first time in years I felt comfortable with people. I didn't feel like I had to act a certain way or say certain things. I didn't feel like I had to be anyone but me and at first I felt almost like I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like there was this person hidden deep deep down inside of me that I knew was there but I couldn't get to. That person was too hidden by insecurities and fears but those things went away. My friends believed in me, one in particular. He has this way of just assuming the best in you. He doesn't look at someone and say, oh well this person has these weaknesses so we'll avoid this this and this so as not to make them uncomfortable. He doesn't do that. He has this innocence almost. He just figured, well of course Beth can do that, why not? He never once questioned me. At the beginning I was questioning myself enough for everyone because that is what I do. I have spent my life being careful. The only thing I have ever gone into with all of myself is relationships (family/friends) and even over the past three years that went away. I couldn't trust people enough to let them see who I am. So really careful was for me. It was easy and safe but I had to stop. I had to step out there and put my heart into things. I had to try things that I was afraid to do and to my surprise I wasn't so bad at it. All I needed was to believe in myself and lucky for me I had a perfect example of that. As the summer went on I really thought I would dread the end of summer when everything would surely end as T left to move to the "big city" and H & N got involved in new experiences but I didn't. At first I still felt empty inside and I did for awhile until I realized my 3 friends couldn't fill that emptiness. Only one person could fill that emptiness and I finally humbled myself enough to turn to Him and ask for help. Having that emptiness filled made the summer even better. I didn't dread the end of the summer when T would move and H & N would have new things happening that wouldn't include me (at least not as regularly as the summer did). Sure the end of the summer was hard. I was sad to see T leave. I was sad to think I wouldn't see H & N 3 or more times a week. I shed a few tears but they were more tears of gratitude then anything else. I felt at peace because I truly believe I learned a lesson this summer that I have needed to learn for a long time. Our summer o' fun has been over for 2 and a half months now and sure I miss my friends, who wouldn't? But I feel a joy I have never felt in my life. My friends helped me to heal and helped me to see the parts of my life that were lacking. I have a lot of growing to do. I have things coming in my life that I am so excited for and want to be really ready for and I have things I am confused about, and things I need to figure out and they are things I can't (and won't have to) figure out alone. So, you big things that are coming, bring it. I'm ready. I might stumble. I might fall. But I'll get back up and keep going because I can. I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore but if you do, first of all you're incredible. Second, I am going to work my hardest to not let the underlying message of all of my blogs be "Beth hates change and is trying to avoid it." I'm going to go more with the, this is my life, i'm learning, i'm living and i'm attempting to make a difference along the way, mindset. Oh and every once in awhile I might have a gratitude list goin. On the days that I need it at least.

I am grateful for:

-Beautiful music that touches my heart
-Friends that uplift and strengthen me
-The courage to open up my heart a little to people I haven't really let in yet
-Halloween costumes that make people weeze because they are laughing so hard
-My Baltimore hoodie

This is life..what am I waiting for?!

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks the future feels so hard and I wanna go back." -Sara Groves

Alright so I think I should just rename this blog "Beth is trying to be okay with change" call it good and stop writing blogs...but really what fun would that be for me?

So for quite awhile I have been trying to be okay with having a smaller group of friends and not having some kind of social activity to do every night or weekend, and I have questioned quite a bit why it had to be this way. I felt like after those things were gone I had nothing else. For all I know my years at Raintree with my amazing friends will quite possibly be the "best" of my "college" years but what is happening now isn't so bad either. I'm learning how to be okay with being alone. I am learning to rely on a more permanent source for strength. I am learning more about myself. If I still had my big group of friends that I hung out with everyday I would probably be too busy being one of the group to figure out what I need in my life and what I want out of life. So, here it is. Those times were great and I learned a ton and had some great experiences and some pretty crappy ones. It's easy to look back and only see the good but there was bad too, and I grew from it. I have realized that those were great times and they helped shape me to be who I am currently and what is happening now will shape me more. Just because that time is over doesn't mean its gone and it meant nothing. I have a lot of incredible people in my life that have touched my life in a way no one else could and even though we don't see each other everyday or even every month we are still there for each other. I think I have realized that a lifelong friend isn't exactly the kind of friend you see everyday, it's the kind that you care about and care about you enough to keep putting forth effort. (You would think having a friend like Joanie who I have never lived in the same place as and is still my best friend would have made me realize this sooner...) Today was amazing and being with a whole bunch of old friends was incredible. I got to spend the afternoon with my old UT pals and the late afternoon/evening with my old Baltimore friends. I felt today like we are all really moving forward...people are married or getting married, buying houses, graduating from college, getting real jobs thousands of miles away, possibly going on missions....etc etc etc. And I felt okay about it. Sure I feel a little sad when I think about Tom leaving at the end of the summer to move to NY or thinking of another friend possibly going on a mission. But at the same time I feel so proud of them. And I am glad they are finding these amazing things in their lives and moving forward. And I'm glad we have had such great experiences together and that we have time to have a few more and even after we are all separated again we've proved the strength of our friendship and it will last. So the point is, the past was amazing, the future is scary, but right now is happening. Life is happening whether I believe it or not...I need to stop waiting for something to happen to mark the beginning of life and just make the most of each day. This is life so I'm going to live it.

Trying to be okay with it...

So...everything is changing. It really is. I know over and over on this silly little blog that no one reads I have talked about my friends and holding on to them and not giving up on friendships just because things change but it's getting harder and harder. I seriously feel like my life is in a tailspin and I have absolutely no control over what happens at all. Probably because I don't...but I don't know how to get out of it. I have pretty much ruined one friendship, possibly to the point of no return for all i know, with a person that has meant a great deal to me for several years all because I can't express myself well enough to say what I am really feeling so it comes out as a jumbled mess of nothing that ends in no more communication between us for who knows how long. And now I see myself doing it again, but with my best friend this time. Ya know, it was bound to happen, Ames was bound to find a good guy to date, and although it's just the beginnings I am still so afraid. I look ahead 1 year and if it is the same as it is now, but without amy then I will have no one, and that scares me so much. It scares me that it's gotten to this point, and it scares me that it matters so much to me. And it scares me that I can't open up to people anymore. It scares me that I don't let people in anymore. All I want is to be okay with the way things are changing. And I want to be strong enough that I can face this world on my own for as long as I need to. And yet at the same time I am so afraid that my Saturday nights have become grocery shopping night..and that I can have 50 people show up at a birthday party for me but then have no one I feel I can talk to or call to hang out with the next day. For a person who has always had a group of friends around this is a new and difficult phase. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned, and I sure hope I learn it. Maybe this is a time when I need to be alone so I can figure things out, or maybe I have slowly pushed everyone that is important to me out of my life. For the first time in my life I am realizing that I am afraid to be alone, probably because, for the first time in my life, I am feeling what it's like to be alone.

Maryland....*sigh*

"Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher."

So, I got to spend time with some of my favorite people today several different groups of favorite people, but the one that i made me the happiest was being with my Maryland girls. There is just something about being with people that have known you forever and who know you SO well...they have known me in my awkward phases, in my happiest times, in my saddest times, at my brattiest (how do you spell that) moments and at my best (once or twice). At one point we were all each other had, we are best friends and we know everything about each other. We saw each other today because we went to Laura's bridal shower. Jen has already gotten married and Laura is getting married in May. We all have very seperate lives and have all changed tons since our awkward days of young womens where girls camp inside jokes ruled our lives. But when we get together it's the greatest feeling! I left today with the greatest feeling of complete joy. We have all moved on but when we get together nothing has changed. And we don't just live in the past. We update on each others lives now and we truly care about each other and love to be together. We can talk for hours, and we do. Sure, we spend some of that time reminiscing about the old times, we tell the same jokes everytime, so much that friends that aren't from Maryland now know those jokes too...Feed the Children, Hot...dog...spice ruff ruff, CHOCOLATE, you have CURVES...etc...etc etc....Maybe it's because we shared some of our most defining years, or maybe we are just lucky to have the closest group of young women spanning from the 19 year olds "the beehives", to the 21 year olds "the mean mia maids (who aren't mean anymore)", and on up to the 23-24 year old Laurels and it has caused us to have life long friends. In high school the only friends I did have were my church friends and I liked it that way. We knew we would be together on weekends, even if we were watching the same stupid movie to the point that I still can't watch it to this day, or playing the same old games or telling the same old stories. Our mom's always mocked us because we would run to each other and hug whenever we saw each other, even if it had only been since seminary that morning. But that is what made the moment so special when I went back home after my first, and hardest semester away from home and when I walked into the church Laura was there and when we saw each other we screamed and then we hugged and then we sobbed and all of the people that were around just stood back and smiled because it was a reunion everyone was happy to see. Point is...life changes, and people change, but moments don't change. The small moments that have changed who you are don't change. They are what make you...you... I know we'll always get back together and we'll always pick up right where we left off. And I know we will always know that we have each other...Those girls are a part of me and that's something that will never change. I am grateful to always be blessed with incredible friends that touch my life and help me to become better. Maybe this is all just a crazy jumble of nothing...but I bet if my Bmore girls were to read it they would just nod and say...yeah...i totally know what she means. Laura will always be the most sarcastic with a lot of love right there with it, Beth C will always be the funniest with a great big heart, Brooke will always be the one that got teased the most and wears the most pink and always willing to bring the girls together, Em D will always be the quiet yet hilarious one, Em K will always be the one that started out shy and suddenly came out of her shell to become the sweetest funniest girl you'll ever meet, Jen will always be the boy crazy, psycho crazy flirt that we all adore, Heather will always be the one with the dry sense of humor and the oldest, so the wisest, Andrea always the sweet one that you get to know and find out she's kind of a tease, Alex the seemingly quiet sweet one that is right up there on the sarcasm front with Laur, and me..well I think I have been told I have always been the protective one and the motherly one. So, my bmore girls, I love you and I will always cherish the experiences we have shared and I will always hold you closest to my heart because you are the ones that taught me what it was like to be a friend and what it was like to have a friend.

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis

I had no idea, but apparently I am a minority. I had a conversation with my roommate last night that left me utterly disheartened and completely shocked to be perfectly honest with you. I don't know that I completely believe it so if any of you in the world of blog read this and have thoughts do share because I need other outlooks on this one.

Here goes, we were talking about how she and this guy, who is one of my close friends, broke up and about the issues that lead to them making this decision to break up. (They couldn't talk to each other.) She asked me how I became such good friends with him and I just told her that I did the same thing I do with a lot of my friendships. I open myself up to them and then hold on for dear life. Now if you're my friend...and you're reading this...and you hate that I hold on for dear life...I'm not going to apologize because it's something that makes me who I am and as I found out last night who I am may just be kind of unique. Am I making any sense? Here, I'll explain:

My roommate hasn't had a lot of close friendships in her life that's not me judging her, that is her own words. She told me she didn't understand how I could make friends with people and then with some of them end up with really good strong relationships and then keep them. She also didn't understand how one gets into a deep discussion. I told her that you just have to open up. You have to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings about something and then just trust that the person you are sharing those feelings with won't use them against you. I also mentioned that even though there have been people that took those thoughts and feelings that I shared and then ended up hurting me or just plain ripping my heart to pieces as they casually walked away...I don't regret those friendships, sure I wonder if I should have done something differently, but I didn't...so I should be grateful for the experience and for the things I learned from them. Sure, I'm not as willing to open up my heart to friends (new and old) as I once was and that is because I have been hurt but maybe not opening up my heart and letting them in isn't such a bad thing. I told her that so many times people have just either flat out told me, Beth once people are out of my line of vision they just aren't my friends anymore, I don't feel like it's worth it to put forth the effort. Or they have been one of my very closest friends, and then they move away and suddenly they have to be told to call me for me to hear from them at all..and yet I still hold on. I still care about these people. And that is when my roommate told me that she has never known anyone like me. (And I don't think she meant it in a good way.) She told me that she thinks most people are the type to make a friend and drop them 10 minutes later when they aren't convenient anymore. So is it really that odd that I make friends and have these people that are so so close to my heart and I am not willing to let go? And for those of you that are thinking this it, no, I don't think I am living in the past. I think I am holding onto something/someone that is dear to me and that has touched my life and why should I have to say goodbye to them right away? In time we may grow apart but that's not going to stop me from caring in the beginning. Ya know, friends are one of the most important things to me. (not the most important...one of the most important.) And I am not willing to just give up that easily and just not care because it may not work the way I planned, or just stop calling them because they moved out of my apartment complex/ward/state. Why let go if you don't have to? So is it true? Am I a minority? Am I the only one who makes friends and then holds on to them for dear life?

And to my dear friends, sorry if you wish I would let go but you're gonna have to do something horrible and rip my heart to pieces before I will let go (and it still might take me 2 years to fully let go inside) I am grateful for the blessing of friends and I don't want to take that for granted because maybe, just maybe, I won't be so blessed in the future if I'm not grateful. I love my friends and although I may experience heartache as they grow away from me, I still have those small moments, the random phone call or text message that comes and gives me a hint that it is worth hanging on just a little longer. There you have it...my philosophy on friendship....not very philisophical.

*note* i apologize for the run on sentences and poor grammar it's late and I am rushing and don't care enough to go back and fix it...so...deal. :-)

"Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you." -T A Barron

I matter...

Little old Beth Lynn in her little house and her little life in Utah matters.

I know what you're thinking. Um, hi, you're just now realizing it?

Yes...yes I am. A simple somewhat silly conversation with a good friend that involved relationships turned into something that I desperately needed. No he didn't profess his love to me...(thank goodness, he's like my brother!) he taught me a special lesson though.

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking. I worry because people don't say the things to me that I want them to say or sometimes even need them to say because they're being oblivious (i'm not judging..i've done it) I learned a lesson tonight that I have had to learn over and over again in my life and probably will have to learn again as ridiculous as that is.

I matter to my Heavenly Father. He has a plan for me that maybe I don't necessarily see happening how I thought it would. When other people let me down because they don't put forth as much as I put into them, or because they don't have just the right words that I need to hear. My Father in Heaven is there and He does hear me and He knows better then I do what I need. I have to be living worthily of His blessings.

Two of the things I am grateful for today:

A friend who was in tune enough with the spirit to be the mouth that could speak the words I needed to hear because I wasn't listening closely enough to hear it on my own.

And that the great wall that has slowly built up around my heart broke down enough today so that I could feel the pierce of what was said and the truthfulness of it.

That's a big jumble of thoughts right there but if nothing else...they make sense to me.