It's been a year?!

Yeah, that's how I felt when I went back to read my first blog from this year. I can't believe I wrote that a year ago. I also can't believe how different my life is now and yet how similar...I have to say this has probably been the most eventful year of my life thus far. It has left me tired, overwhelmed, confused and really really grateful. I think it might take another year just to recover...

My year in review:

*In January, I decided to move back to Maryland.
*In March, I went to California for the first time since I was a wee little girl. While in California or driving back to UT I had a lot of firsts. Went to see my dad's grave for the first time, stayed in a $5/night hotel room in Primm, NV. Went to Vegas and walked the strip (and realized I hadn't been missing much...), oh and that was the longest roadtrip I had taken that I could remember. (I was too young to remember driving from CA to MD).
*In April I turned 26, I left my job of over 4 years, threw away or gave away most everything I had collected during my 8 years in Utah, packed up what was left, lived with Ben & Brenae for a few days, said goodbye to my family and the people that had become like family for me and drove across the country with Corinnie.
*In May I applied for over 50 jobs in MD and never even got an interview.
*By the end of May I had been offered a job in Utah that I never applied for and never even had to interview for and I decided to take it. I had 2 weeks to return to Utah. According to my Gran, I smiled for the first time in a month.
*June, I caravanned (is that a word?) across the country with my mom and Ames. One of the days I drove for 14 hours...that was a first.
*Also in June I started a new job and was officially homeless.
*Between June and July I lived with my sister, the Harlows, Ben & Brenae and then the Harlows again.
*In July, I bought a Queen size bed and felt very grown up about it.
*In July I also bought a plane ticket to Orlando to visit Rach.
*August I moved into my new apartment in Orem, and just like several people told me, it really is different than Provo and I rarely go to Provo. It's like another world.
*In August I bought a plane ticket on a Tuesday and flew home on a Wednesday to be with my entire family, who was all together for the first time in over 2 years.
*In October I went to Florida for the first time.
*In November I became an Auntie again!!
*And in December, I spent my first Christmas ever away from my mom. Until this year we've always been together on Christmas either in Utah or Maryland. It wasn't as awful as I thought but it also didn't feel like Christmas at all.

My only hope for 2010 (that I'm sharing in this very public place) is that I will somehow recover from everything that I experienced this year and that I will also remember that I know without a doubt that there is a purpose in all of it. It really wasn't a bad year it was just a very full year that left me feeling like I can do pretty much anything...oh I hope that I didn't just jinx myself by saying that.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2010 is filled with growth and happiness for each of you!

Ask and ye shall receive...

It's no real secret that I have felt quite distant from almost everything and everyone lately. I have been going through one of those phases where I just don't feel anything. Now and then I have felt a good strong connection with people but mostly there was nothing. I'm working on things and feeling better about life but still haven't completely figured out the whole feeling thing.

In the past I have prayed to be able to feel emotion. Usually when I do bad things start happening (almost every single time my car has broken down) and I feel overwhelmed and then shut down so I don't have to feel anymore. It's a happy little pattern I have going for myself.

After the First Presidency Christmas Devotional last night I told Chris that I wanted to feel the spirit of the season. He listened but didn't start telling me what to do to get it (like I wanted him to...). That left me to figure it out on my own which I'm so happy about. I figured it out...I prayed to be able to do what I needed to in order to feel the spirit of the season. (I know you're all thinking uhh...that was obvious Beth, don't worry I know.)

I didn't feel an instant change last night but today my heart has been full. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and felt happy as a clam (even though I woke up with a headache.) When I walked outside I was greeted by a beautiful winter wonderland. It continued to snow all day while I ran around preparing things for my work Christmas party. I'm stressed by it but I felt peaceful every time I saw the snow falling. I prepared some ornaments for our giving tree at work and felt so grateful to be able to indirectly help some people that really need it. And also really enjoyed having a little art project. I felt like one of Santa's elves.

After work I drove north a bit to hang out with Carrie and do some shopping. The drive was a bit slow but it gave me some good thinking time. I had a great weekend and I was able to really feel gratitude in my heart for my friends and family that I spent time with this weekend. I'm always grateful but it really filled me up this time, to the point of bursting. I had a great time with Carrie having dinner, shopping, talking lots and laughing until the point of tears (Watch TMNT Care...you'll see. :)

When I got home I put my favorite Christmas song on and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I'm currently obsessed with the Jo Dee Messina version but this one is pretty fantastic too.



I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I hope with everything in me that I can continue to be reminded hour by hour how wonderful my life really is. All I can think is that I really want to help others feel as loved and appreciated as I feel right now. I feel like I'm being wrapped up in a big warm blanket and I think everyone deserves to feel that way. I know this probably all seems so simple but if any of you have felt that distance and darkness that depression can bring I think you can appreciate what I'm saying. Merry Christmas everyone!

"I'm grateful for Macaroni and Cheese."

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a great family and amazing friends. I am a member of a church that makes me feel full and whole. I have a Savior who knows what I'm feeling and a Father in Heaven who knows me completely and loves me and shows me that by giving me so much. It has become so easy for me to forget all of the good things in my life as I have spent much of my time dwelling on the negative things. It is unlike me and has left me feeling like a different person. I'm aware of it though and I'm working on it. I was told recently that I've been running on empty. I gave everything that I had and hadn't been filled up in return. I learned that I was looking for that feeling of fullness in the wrong places. I was reminded that, although I have little energy to put into doing things for others, it needs to happen because for me helping people makes me happy. People in general make me happy and my avoidance of people has made me very very unhappy. And so I have embraced the mindset of "If it seems too hard, do it because it will only get harder if you don't".

I love this video you should watch it. What are you grateful for?

I'm grateful...
*to be an auntie because when nothing in this world can make me happy those two little people fill my heart with joy, simply by existing.
*for a family that loves me even if I don't deserve it.
*for a friendship that makes me feel whole and connected and accepted in moments when I can barely feel anything at all.
*for rekindled friendships and long lasting friendships.
*my new little "group" of friends at church and also for visiting teaching because if it weren't for that I'm pretty sure these friendships wouldn't have happened.
*when I walk outside early in the morning and all I can hear is the sound of cars on the freeway.
*for rice, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread, and FlipSides crackers (brilliant invention).
*that my roommate leaves her hairdryer out everyday. I feel it gives me permission to use it and that makes me happy because mine sucks.
*covergirl foundation.
*the words of prophets.
*jeans.
*difficult times in life that make me a stronger, better and more empathetic person.
*that I was raised with SO much love in my life. It taught me not to hold back when I love people.
*Gilmore Girls episodes that bring me comfort and familiarity when all I need is 45 minutes of nothingness.

There is much more but those are a few things. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas (I'll cover that now in case my lack of desire to blog continues.)

Baby Shower!

Okay, this post is mostly for Carrie! Pictures from Lora's baby shower! Keep in mind that I ran out of time so there weren't any ballons or many decorations in the living room...but it worked. :)

It was a lot of fun and great to be with some wonderful friends celebrating our dear friend Lora! Enjoy!

The decorations & food


And the people!

Pity Party, Table for one.

I just had a pity party. An all out, feel sorry for myself, lay on my bed and cry while listening to a playlist full of sad songs, pity party. I even posted a facebook status that gave my 385 friends too much information about my emotional state (and then quickly deleted it). And sometimes I think that's okay. I had a hard week. I'm tired all the time, whether I get enough sleep or not. I spend almost every minute that I'm not at work alone and after awhile that gets to a person. I spent yesterday eating toast and sleeping because I felt sick.

I keep a smile on my face most of the time but sometimes everything falls apart and luckily when that happened for me I was in a position that I could stop everything and feel sorry for myself.

It's okay to break down sometimes. It's okay to cry and throw a little pity party once in awhile, just as long as you get back up and return to normal life when you're done.

Now, please excuse me, I'm going to go back to normal life now.


Image: Carolita Johnson

I have this friend...

Her name is Joan and she is incredibly talented. She's one of my dear EFY friends that I talked about in my last blog. She is one of my favorite people and I hope that someday this crazy life will give us the chance to live close by each other. (If you keep offering to let me live in your basement/spare room etc I might just show up someday...be careful. ;)

So back to Joan being incredibly talented. I have some buttons on the side of my blog that I wanted to bring to your attention. The first one is BitsyCreations. That is Joans business. She can pretty much do anything where creativity is concerned. Check it out! If I ever figure out how to block out the address and names on Lora's baby shower announcement I will post it here for you all to see. We told her what Lora wanted and in no time at all we had an email with the perfect invitation. Really, check it out. She does graphic design (need a new blog header?), Christmas cards (order them early so her life doesn't get insane!), baby announcements, wedding annoucements, birthday invitations...and the list goes on. www.bitsycreations.com

She is also doing a new blog with a friend called Gifted Giveaways. There is a button on the right for that too. You should check it out and become a follower! You can win stuff from really talented people!

I've always thought Joan was amazing but after working with her and seeing the invitations and baby announcement that she designed for Lora I realized I really needed to tell you guys about her and make you aware of the buttons. (Because if you're like me, you always ignore them...comes with ignoring advertisements on facebook I think.)

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I need to go get to work on cleaning before the shower!

Bethie Crocker?

So I've just been baking away this week. Brenae and I have throwing a baby shower for my dear friend Lora on Saturday and she requested cookies & cupcakes as the treats for her shower. How can I say no to that?! Thus the baking. Last night I went to my friend Carrie's house and we made funfetti cupcakes from scratch. It was a first for me, the from scratch and funfetti parts. We had some interesting results but all in all everything tastes really good (of course we had to test them!!) and they are happily living in my freezer until it is time to frost them on Saturday. I am having a blast hanging out with Carrie again and she is teaching me everything she knows.

For those of you that don't know, Carrie is a friend that I met at EFY when I was 14. We clicked (along with Joanie and Chelley) and became the best of friends. We've always kept in touch although better at some times then others but after I moved back to Utah this summer we committed to being better and hanging out often. We have been doing a very good job and I love it. I love Care, I love being with someone that has known me for such a long time and that I can be myself with, I love her cute girls and I love that we can talk for hours and get to know each other better as adults. Anyway, that was a tangent, but Carrie is amazing and I am so grateful to have that close friendship back and I wanted you all to know it! :)

Some pictures of the cupcake baking fun:

Carrie with one of the good cupcakes! (sorry for the eyes closed pic Care! The other one was really dark.)

I'm getting quite good at taking pictures while still getting both heads in them. And yes we are laughing, I'd explain but it probably wouldn't be funny anyone else and it would give away one of my greatest secrets. :)

Tonight I made cookies. I'm going to put some cookies in little chinese food containers (provided by Carrie along with all of the decorations THANK YOU CARE!!!!) so I made mini cookies. At first I was baffled as to how I would do it. I even googled "bite-sized cookie receipes". Nothing fit what I was looking for and then I realized that, doi, I could just make my favorite cookie recipes and make them smaller. I'm a thinker, I know. Anyway, the sweet little bite sized morsels make me want to cry. They're so cute. Why do mini things make me so happy!? I have never eaten a mini hamburger (or a slider I guess...) but I love to look at them. I used a melon baller to scoop the cookies. The chocolate peanut butter ones turned out perfect. They are the perfect size. The choc chip caramel ones are a little bigger then I was hoping but they still taste good and will fit into the containers fine. Tomorrow I will probably make one more batch of a different variety. I know what you all are thinking. "Uh, Beth, how many people are coming to this shower? You're going to have way too many cookies." Yeah..I know, but I want a variety and I work in an office with 60 men. The leftovers will be eaten, that isn't a concern. I'm babbling about nothing, the point of this post is the pictures. And here they are!

Caramel chocolate chip cookies. Yummy!

Chocolate Peanut Butter chip cookies. Aren't they cute?!?!

And sooo little! True love...that's what I feel for these cookies.

And the lovely machine that made the process so much easier. Thank you to my favorite neighbors for lending this beauty to me.

Happy in my ness.

Life is good. Things are going really well, even so, sometimes after work a girl just needs a good laugh. So what is it that is doing that for me these days? This video:



I don't know if you guys saw the first episode of Glee on TV a few months ago, but I did, and I can't wait for the season to begin. It just feeds my love of musicals, while being short enough that I don't fall asleep half way through, and incorporating songs that I can sing right along with. I can't wait for the season premiere and a weekly dose of a TV musical. Until then, I'll keep watching the above Gold Digger video that I downloaded for free from iTunes last week. Hope you guys enjoy it too!

Two updates in one day?!

This one will pretty much just be pictures for those that have asked to see what my new place looks like. These are only of my bedroom because I'm not thrilled with the way the front room looks at the moment. Oh and a huuuge thanks to Carrie for coming down with her trusty tiny hammer and level and helping me decorate! If it weren't for her I would probably still have empty walls. Also, huge thanks to Chris, Ben and Jerr for helping move all of my stuff in and for helping me figure out where to put my furniture.

My lovely new bed and wall art designed by Care. (Ignore the non matching comforter, I still haven't found "the one" yet.)

The lighting is weird in this one but it's my favorite part of my room. I finally bought my favorite picture of Christ.

I'm using my necklaces as decoration...smart eh?

I did this wall by myself...can't you tell?

My $25 desk & chair. True love.

Again with the lighting...my closet doors.

Inside my closet. It's huge.

The bottom of my closet with my great grandma's hope chest. I love it and wish it could fit somehwhere outside of the closet but I think it looks nice inside too.

My second favorite wall. Love everything about it. See the picture to the right of the mirror? That's the one I blogged about awhile ago called "I miss the idea of you..."

Give, serve & love...

Lately I have had the thought "give, serve and love and ask for nothing in return" running through my mind often. This is something I have always worked to be and see myself fall short often because I don't want to be walked all over. I feel happier when I am giving, serving and loving and asking for nothing in return but how do I do that without becoming a doormat? Or is it all in my head that I'm becoming a doormat? If any of you out there have any thoughts on the matter I would love to hear them.

You've all seen the photo & link on the side of my blog of my friends Lora & John, probably many times over the last year. Many prayers from many different people have gone out in hopes that they would be blessed with a sweet little baby and, as I mentioned in my last blog, they and the people that love them were reminded that there is a plan and in time things would work out. I'm so happy to say that their time came and they have a sweet little girl. I can't think of 2 people that deserve it more. I was able to go for a quick visit tonight to meet her and I fell in love immediately. She is tiny tiny tiny and absolutely gorgeous!! She is a little angel baby! Congratulations Lora & John! I love you guys!

Mommy & baby! Check out Lora's blog (they are listed in my links) for more pictures.

About time for an update...

I guess the time has finally come. If by some crazy chance someone doesn't know already, I'm back in Utah. I've been back for 2 months and if possible the time went by quickly and slowly all at the same time.

The last 4 months are definitely completely different then anything I could have imagined but I really see that there is a plan for my life. I have my guesses on why things had to go this way (and by that I mean moving to MD just to move back to UT again). The first of which being that I really needed to start over. There were so many parts of my life in Utah that I knew could be good and it was hard for me to leave those but I had such hope for a life in Maryland. I loved feeling like I could really be a part of the singles ward in Baltimore. I loved being with my family. I loved gaining a closer relationship with my Gran and I loved being closer to some fantastic friends. I didn't love not having a job and I didn't love the humidity. I also didn't love being away from the people in Utah that I love.

The decision to move (both times) was made solely on the basis of answers to prayer. I felt that moving to MD was part of the plan for me and moving back also did. I don't know if this was how it was supposed to happen all along and I don't really need to know. I do know that I have felt Heavenly Fathers hand in my life regularly over the last two months. It certainly was not the easiest time in my life but if I look at my life now it all fits. I was "homeless" for almost 2 months but I learned to be humble and ask for help. I learned that people are kind and generous and I learned that I'm not the nuisance to them like I often think I am. People actually enjoyed having me in their homes...weird. I was also reminded of how to rely completely on my Father in Heaven for strength. I ended up in a ward that has many many similarities to my singles ward in Maryland. I have been introduced every week since moving in and not the kind where people say "This is Beth and she is new in the ward" but more like "This is Beth, I know she was introduced last week but I just learned this about her while we were talking." I've gotten much better at learning things about people and carrying on conversations that don't depend solely on them asking questions about my life. It's a good skill that I lost somehow over the last few years. (Maybe I didn't lose that skill but lost the confidence to use it...)

To finish off the babble I'll say that although I don't know what has really changed in me I see differences. I see myself having better relationships with my friends, trying harder to renew old friendships and I am feeling more deeply then I have in awhile. I go through phases where I kind of stop feeling. Usually because I ignore everything that seems too hard to face and then I forget how to feel. It's always a painful hike back into the world of the feeling but once I get there I'm so grateful for it. I feel deeply, I care about people deeply, I feel happier and stronger and closer to God and to the spirit and those are the things I have been searching for. Hopefully I can hold on and continue to grow. The rut I was in before leaving Utah is scary to think about and it's not a place I want to be again. So, off I go to find new opportunities and grand adventures to help others and better myself.

Hopefully I'm back to the blogging world. I'm going to make an attempt. Maybe if I don't get better I'll punish myself (and you!?) with another full month of blogging daily.

A random update

So I haven't updated on life in awhile nor do I really feel like it. Which is a good thing because that means I'm busy. :) I am, however, at work right now and a little bored so why not fill out a good ol' survey? It has been a long while!

*FOODOLOGY*

What is your salad dressing of choice? That stuff that Lora always has...no idea what it's called or Ranch

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Probably Cheesecake Factory or Mimi's

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Rice!

What are your pizza toppings of choice? just plain old cheese please!

What do you like to put on your toast? peanut butter or a little bit of butter (only if the toast is hot enough to melt the butter all the way)


*TECHNOLOGY*

What is your wallpaper on your computer? At home: A picture of Brenae, Corinne, Amy, Lora & I the night before I left for MD. At work: My nephew "flossing his teeth".

How many televisions are in your house? 2, one in the living room and there is one in my roommates bedroom.

What color cell phone do you have? black with scratches...very sleek. :)



*BIOLOGY*

Are you right-handed or left-handed? right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? All of my baby teeth were pulled by a dentist (not all at once mind you)...that's kind of something right?

What is the last heavy item you lifted? A couch.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? never knocked unconscious but I have passed out.



*BULLCRAPOLOGY* (really is that name necessary?)

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Definitely not.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I don't know that I would change my name. Everyone I meet asks if my name is Bethany but I hate that name...so I wouldn't change it. So there.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? I wish I could say I would but nope.


*DUMBOLOGY*

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Oh my...it is far fewer then ever before but I'm not positive probably about 8.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? When I was pulled over many years ago in Mt Pleasant. ilch.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Queen Latifah...ok I don't want to be her but I want to be like her in some ways. Career wise-a mom and if that doesn't happen then I have no idea, I'm working on it.

Last person you talked to? Cassie

Last person you hugged? Lora



*FAVORITOLOGY*

Season? Fall or Spring

Holiday? Christmas is my favorite but I also really love the 4th of July.

Day of the week? Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Month? Probably May, I love the weather in May.



*CURRENTOLOGY*

Missing someone? I miss my Gran! She sent me a card yesterday that made me miss her even more.

Mood? sleepy, hopeful

Listening to? Account Services chatting and the AC buzzing in the vent.

Watching? Nothing

Worrying about? Stuff



*RANDOMOLOGY*

First place you went this morning? Work

What can you not wait to do? Go to Orlando!!

What's the last movie you saw? The beginning of Sisterhood of the Traveling pants. Last full movie was a Lifetime Original movie...yeah I'm cool like that.

Do you smile often? I try to

*OTHER-OLOGY*
1. Do you always answer your phone?
Unless there is something preventing me from answering yes.

2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
I don't get a lot of text messages at 4 in the morning. Usually late night texts are from Chris or Rach.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue like Sarah's

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
If I add flavor usually cherry.

5. Do you own a digital camera?
Yup!

6. Have you ever had a pet fish?
I've had many, most memorable being Your Mom who lived in a blender.

7. Favorite Christmas song(s):
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
I don't have a list. Just being with the people I love is perfect for me.

9. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
a little nervous and a little excited depends on the day.

10. Do you have any saved texts?
Nope

11. Ever been in a car wreck?
Yes, someone hit me in the Costco parking lot.

12. Do you have an accent?
On occasion. :) Mostly when I choose to have an accent.

13. What is the last song to make you cry?
Better Than I

14.Plans tonight? I should probably work on unpacking but if something better comes up I'll totally go with that one. :)

15. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
I've had my moments.

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday
postage, more postage and a frozen pizza.

17. Have you ever been given roses?
Yes I have and they were lovely.

18. Current worry? Rather not say

19. Current hate right now?
The printer at work :)

20. Met someone who changed your life?
Oh my goodness everyone I have met has changed my life in some way.

21. How will you bring in the New Year?
Wow that's a long way off. I usually don't even know until the day of and it's usually just games or watching movies.

22. What song represents you?
Hmm I don't really know.

23. Name three people who might complete this?
Pretty sure I'm alone in this one!

24. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
I can think of a few things that I would go back in time for but not much.

25. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
nope

26. Does anyone love you?
I do believe a number of people do.

27. Ever had someone sing to you?
Yep!

28. When did you last cry?
Last night.

29. Do you like to cuddle?
I would guess that I would.

30. Have you held hands with anyone today?
nope

31. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old and quite wonderful

32. Do you like pulpy orange juice?
I don't like OJ at all.

Love this!

I know I have been MIA for a long time annnd this isn't really going to be an informative post. I just came across this and fell in love. I will be buying at least one, probably the first one. Just had to share!

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6330457

This one is my favorite, titled, I miss the idea of you

Sincerely, You
Plant your own happiness

Another move.

Sometimes life throws some interesting twists and turns into the mix and this is one of those times for me.

In January I felt SO strongly that it was time for a change and that I needed to move home. Part of me was thrilled because I really was in a rut and felt like I didn't fit where I was. I saved money, sorted through my things, got rid of half of my stuff and filled my days with family and friends. Even as I left, although sad, I felt again that I was doing the right thing.

I got to Maryland and felt out of sorts, all the while feeling like I had done the right thing. I have enjoyed time with my family and some friends, have had some time to relax which I found was needed and overall just felt safe. During all of these great things I still didn't feel like things were meshing. I wasn't able to find a job even with hours and hours of searching and applying. I was enjoying my ward but didn't feel settled and no matter how hard I prayed I couldn't figure out if I should stay in MD or if I should look for jobs in VA/DC or somewhere else.

Then everything changed. About a week and a half ago a friend called to tell me that there is a job available in her department at a great company and her boss wanted me to apply. The catch? It's in Utah...

I prayed hard and felt like I should just send my resume and see what would happen. I had been told that interviews would take place in a week. That afternoon my friends boss called and offered me the job. I took some time to make the decision and then accepted the job the next day. As sure as I felt that I needed to move to Maryland, I felt just as sure that I need to move back. I know that I'm doing what I am supposed to do but that doesn't take away personal doubts and the question of why it happened this way.

I also have a lot of fear, which never makes me happy. I've been afraid to tell people that I'm going back because it seems so foolish. It was a HUGE deal for me to leave my home of 8 years and now I'm just going back? I had a big going away party, many goodbyes and now I'm going back? Most of the people I said goodbye to probably wouldn't have noticed I was gone since we only hang out every couple of months anyway. I am being reminded constantly that I shouldn't worry about what other people will think and yet I can't get it out of my head. As more positive responses come it is becoming easier for me.

The other thing I am afraid of is the rut. I was so unhappy with my life and now I'm going back? I didn't feel like I fit where I was but I don't feel like I fit where I am either. I want to be somewhere that I really feel like I can be completely myself and also be around people that help me to want to be better. I refuse to move back to Provo. (I probably shouldn't say that...) I did my time and now I'm done. Orem still seems a little too close. Sandy is looking quite appealing although a bit far away, I'm not too concerned about it. I want this clean slate to be filled with new positive things.

I am so excited about my job and I am excited to be near a lot of the people that I love very much. I'm sad to leave most of my family and some wonderful friends behind but I feel such hope for this new adventure and plus, Maryland is home, I'll always come back.

There we have it, more big news from the life of Beth. If I cry wolf again and move somewhere else, don't worry, I won't post it here. I think I'll probably just leave in the night and not tell a soul.

I'm not ready to go into detail yet but there are some changes happening that I never expected. I am listening to this song on repeat lately because this is the attitude I want to have.



I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
'Cause You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what's best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for...

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who tought them to fly
If I let You reach me...
Will You teach me? For...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
'Cause You know Better Than I

Re-living the good old days

My last few days in Utah were amazing. They were the kind of days that fill a heart with joy. They are the days that made it very difficult to leave. I had some amazing times in Utah. I made wonderful friends, had many adventures, experienced some difficult things and to sum it up, I would say that I did much of my growing up in Utah.

He's cute, even at Walmart.

My last 4 days in Utah were spent at Ben & Brenae's house. I really couldn't have planned that better. I didn't love my living situation for the past 8 months and I found that whenever I went to Ben & Brenae's I felt completely at home and peaceful. I loved being there and I loved that they always welcomed me with open arms. Being the wonderful people that they are, they did that again when I had to move out of my apartment 4 days before I planned to leave Utah. I had so many great times in Utah and I didn't want the clouds of the last 8 months to cover that and leave me rushing to get away, staying at Ben's fixed that. I felt completely safe and at peace. I didn't feel like I had to be any special version of myself and I didn't feel like I was in the way or always doing the wrong thing as I often did in my own home. Staying there reminded me of my best years in Utah and, although I did have a harder time leaving, I was grateful for it.

Lora, how is this the only picture I have of the two of us from my last week?? We slacked on the picture taking...

Chris & I at Mimi's, it was only right to get a picture in front of the restaurant at which we at many a meal.

We went through a lot, and they were the best besties a girl could ask for.

Pretty much every moment not spent with my sister during my last week in Utah was spent with friends from the 136th ward. I was able to spend Friday night with Chris, having dinner and going for a drive. It was EXACTLY what I needed that night. Lucky Chris figured that out because I didn't know what I needed. I had a party and invited the people I am closest to and also invited people that I am no longer as close to but that I love and that touched my life and made a difference, enough of a difference that I needed to see them before I left.

Friends at my going away party

Going away party with the Karoly's. I took pictures with several other people but they all disappeared.

My last night with some favorites.

The day Corinne arrived, two days before I left, we were able to explore Raintree and reminisce about all of the fun (and drama) and felt like old ladies remembering "the good old days". That night we had dinner with the Mansfields, Ben, Brenae and Laura and then had an ice cream party with Marina & Desi. It was difficult to say goodbye to all of these people but I was strong, I only cried in my bed in the dark where no one would know. Tuesday night was perfect. Amy and Josh came from St George so that Ames & I could say goodbye and it filled me with joy. I was so sad to think I would have to leave without some Amy time and I'm really grateful that Josh made the decision that they needed come up for a few days. Lora, Amy & Josh all came over to Ben & Brenae's that night and we talked, looked at old (old old) pictures from "the good old days", laughed about how much we dressed up and ate microwave S'mores. It was a fabulous "last night" (especially after the complete breakdown I had when I had to say goodbye to my sister, bro-in-law and nephew...holy heartbreak.) After many photos, Lora & Amy left and Corinne & I stayed up and looked at more pictures with Ben & Brenae. I went to bed that night, sad to leave, but so happy to have been reminded of all of the good people and good things that made up my life in Utah.

Dinner with my Utah parents.

Hangin' with Marina & Desi.

The ladies + Han

Corinne always with the scandalousness. Love it. Missed it.

Driving out of Utah was difficult. I cried when we drove past my sisters exit and cried again when we had to stop at the bank on an exit that I spent a lot of time on, mostly with Chris or Allison. I felt so silly but I couldn't keep the tears in. I had a few difficult moments, usually when asked how I was feeling but mostly made the trip with a faith filled heart.

Corinne was a huge support. I'm so glad she made the trek with me, however boring at moments. She let me talk when I needed to and not talk (which ended up being a lot of the time, I was lost in my thoughts). And best of all we just listened to a whole lot of music and sang along, it's what we do best.

I'm here now and I'm adjusting. I have had some hard moments and hard days. I miss my life in Utah often. I miss my sister and Austin constantly. I miss my friends more then I thought was physically possible, and yet I can't ignore the constant feeling that I'm in the right place. I spend every day at home applying for jobs, spending time with my family or on lucky days, running errands and although that is hard and I miss being out and having my own life, enough money to go do things if I choose and friends that I know are right around the corner I can't ignore the constant feeling that I'm doing the right thing. I don't know what my purpose is here but I have faith that everything will work out. That's all I know.

Travel Journal

Began: Utah
End: Maryland
Total Miles Traveled: 2262ish

Our travel journal as written on the back of a page of our directions.

311 Miles=2 potty stops + 1 can of Pringles.

Wyoming-What's the point??

336=1 potty stop + 1 Subway stop
Han, unimpressed by Nebraska

Black Hole found between Lincoln & Omaha

NE much pretteri (exactly as i wrote it on the paper) but what's with the "road construction"?
Nebraska has a biiig crush on PA! Hershey? York? Lancaster?

365 miles=1 potty stop+1 good sleep. Beth knows what love is, the shower she had last night & this morning.

Nebraska & Iowa, what's up with plus gas costing less then reg?

337 miles=3 stops
We like Illinois! No black hole, although we got lost for about 16 miles.
Peoria is cool to say AND reminded us of Boston.

307 miles=2 stops
More subway. No black hole thus far.

256 miles=slept
Ohio doesn't suck!!!

Holy Rain Batman!!
And what's with $12 for the turn pike?? Good thing PA is pretty.

There you have it ladies & gentlemen. The roadtrip in a nutshell. More to come don't you worry.

Favorite

The song I'm currently listening to on repeat. I love Rascal Flatts.

Love Who You Love

The new me!

I've joked a lot with my co-workers about becoming someone different before I move back to MD because when people don't know you you can be anyone! I wanted to get a drastic new haircut and start wearing jewelry. Not sure if the jewelry thing will happen but the (drastic for me) haircut did. I'm still getting used to seeing myself with, what I would consider, a stylish haircut so the jury is still out but I think I like it. Here are some pictures...that I took of myself, so I apologize for the weird faces and poor quality. (I got an A-line cut, thus the front and back photos) What do you think?
Oh and one random thing...I fell in love with two pieces of furniture. I didn't think that was possible but when I sold my bookshelf (the bookshelf that I searched endlessly for and finally found for a crazy expensive price but bought anyway...that bookshelf) I almost cried. Here is a picture of my bookshelf & DVD stand. Luckily I get to keep the DVD stand.